We Are All a Part of the Neverending Story

 Today was another adventure. A quest, if you will. I went to Swansea to see the film The Neverending Story on the 40^th anniversary of its release.

This was an adventure for me because it involved travel and planning. It would not have been possible a year ago. But it is possible now because I am growing and changing and learning independence. Two years ago, the Vue Cinema in Swansea was showing Matthew Bourne’s spectacular version of The Nutcracker in December, and I was DESPERATE to go but I could not conceive of any way to get there. Swansea might as well have been the moon. It felt like the most impossible task. Thankfully my friend Jo stepped up and offered me a lift and I got to go, but I remember being so lost and confused as we walked from the restaurant to the cinema. But then there at the cinema I made my first connection that became the spark of independence for me—I recognized where we were. I had been there before. I could see the Crunchie Bridge and the arena where I had gone to Comic Con in April. I recognized the multi-story carpark that my friend Helen parked in when she picked me up to go to Comic Con. I had just found my first landmark. And so today I used that same landmark as a homing beacon—I confidently walked toward the arena and found the cinema. I even had to time to scout out the location of the hotel I booked to stay in in February when I go see Bowling for Soup and Wheatus. Yup, another adventure to look forward to.

 Now onto the film.

First off, I would like to say that I expected it to be heaving with people as it is summer hols and kids are out of school. I also expected a large population of aging geeks like myself there for the nostalgia factor. Well, there was one of each—a dad about my age and his son. And that’s it.  Also, they shared a popcorn and left half of it (who leaves half of a popcorn that costs an outrageous £6.50??? I had mine nearly eaten by the time the adverts and trailers were done. I wasn’t wasting £6.50 worth of popcorn, My mama didn’t raise no fool.) Sorry, I digress.

 Onto the film.

It was just as good as I remember as the effects—a terrific mix of puppets and animatronics and forced perspective—really held up. Give me practical effects instead of CGI any day. Also did you know that Falkor the Luck Dragon, the Rockbiter, G’mork the evil beast of darkness and the narrator were all voiced by Alan Oppenheimer? He was also the voice of Skeletor from He-Man!! And in the scene in the bookshop where Bastian steals the magic book the grumpy shopkeeper mentions both The Wizard of Oz and the giant squid attacking the Nautilus from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea both which have featured heavily in my life recently.

But the main thing I want to talk about is how I viewed this film through the lens of grief.

The obvious bit to talk about (and the bit that traumatized us all as kids) is Artax in the Swamps of Sadness. The line that really struck me was the line Bastian reads from the book:

Everyone knew that whoever let the sadness overtake him would sink into the swamp.

I think about this a lot. Those early days after Spiderman shuffled off this mortal coil were like drowning in treacle. There were months that I was barely keeping my head above water. It hurt to breathe, and I sincerely just wanted to stop taking in oxygen if it meant that the pain would disappear. But like Atreyu said to Artax: I understand, it’s too difficult for you. People acknowledged my pain (though a few unhelpful arseholes suggested I should be “over it” by now) and when I could no longer bear the weight of grief, I was so lucky that friends and customers and the lovely Welsh community lifted me up like Falkor and cleaned me up and tended my wounds.

It made me really think today because I have lived in the depths of despair, it is very easy to give up like Artax. It takes far more effort to stay and fight and live. And like Atreyu, having lost my faithful companion I know I must still go on my quest. I must still do what I have been called to do—save my corner of the world through Love and Light and not let Darkness prevail. Fantasia still needs me.

When the Rockbiter has that heart-breaking speech, I really felt that.

They look like big, good, strong hands. Don't they? I always thought that's what they were. My little friends. The little man with his racing snail, the Nighthob, even the stupid bat. I couldn't hold on to them. The nothing pulled them right out of my hands. I failed.

I still carry a lot of guilt that I didn’t see that Spiderman was so ill. Maybe we could have saved him if he just spoken up and told me how bad he felt. The Nothing really did pull him right out of my hands.

I was also struck by the line by Urgl (Engywook’s wife) when she had brewed the healing potion full of nasty bits for Atreyu. She asks him if he is still in pain. He replies that it still hurts a little, but it’s alright. Then she said something that really spoke to me:

It has to hurt if it’s to heal.

Grief hurts. It rips at your heart like G’mork’s fangs. But pain is how we know we are still here. Pain is how we know we have lost something precious. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. Pain lets us know we are still alive. When you cease to feel then you cease to live. My pain was so great because my love was so great. And as awful as it is, you have to go through it. You endure the suffering and the despair, and you keep moving forward through the Swamps of Sadness. That is how you survive. I will always have a dark hole in the centre of my heart, but I am building layers of Light around it to cushion the sharp scratch of grief.  Those people who are the most successful after their spouse dies are the ones that keep moving, keep questing. If you stand still and only dwell on the great injustice of your loss then you risk forgetting what that person stood for, their hopes and dreams. If you can only look backwards then you cannot see how to bring their Light forward, how to continue their hopes and dreams. How to make the world better in their name and carry on their goodness. If you stay in the past, then you will die. I mean, we all will physically die. But your heart will die if you lose hope.

When Spiderman died the world was full of THE NOTHING. Everything looked grey and hazy and had no meaning. All joy was gone.

Atreyu: But why is Fantasia dying, then?

G'mork: Because people have begun to lose their hopes and forget their dreams. So the Nothing grows stronger.

Atreyu: What is the Nothing?

G'mork: It's the emptiness that's left. It's like a despair, destroying this world.

And so, I have made the decision to not let the emptiness destroy me. That I will not lose hope. I will not forget our dreams. I will not let the Nothing engulf me. I will choose to rebuild Fantasia. I will choose to build a good life. I will bring the memory of the past forward and continue questing. I will keep his memory alive and like Bastian I will make many other wishes and have many other amazing adventures before I leave this world . . . But that's another story.

Happiness is Out There

 Hello lovelies! This is the year I am learning to do so many things. After my amazing Doctor Wholiday in Weston-super-Mare where I took my first independent trip since Spiderman died (read about it HERE) I was ready to be brave again and do another thing that we loved, namely to go see our favourite comedy band Jonny & the Baptists in Bristol. This involved expanding my repertoire of new skills that I have had to acquire after the untimely death of the Amazing Spiderman, but I was ready.

Spiderman and I have been fans of Jonny & the Baptists since their earliest days. We were buying merch from them before they set up a dedicated PayPal account and were a bit shambolic posting us something with slightly less postage than it needed and then apologising profusely because they were not very organised. Their hearts were always in the right place and their music funny but with a message.

Every tour they did of the UK, we went.  Every time they did a Kickstarter campaign to raise money for another album, we were backers. When they started a Patreon account we were one of the first sponsors. 

When people ask me about them I like to say that their music is like if satirical political Private Eye magazine was set to music. Their music has looked at serious issues within the conservative government poking fun but also raising awareness. They had a whole album and subsequent tour called Stop UKIP. They are unashamedly left wing socialists but also decent human beings. 

 In later years their albums begin to touch on mental health, dealing with quite serious issues in a light-hearted way but with an underpinning on how serious depression has been for both Jonny and Paddy. Particularly Paddy who had a full-on breakdown in  2020 and is still recovering and the fact that they were both marked emotionally by losing a parent before the age of ten. 

 On his death bed Spiderman made me promise I would always support them on Patreon. I am so glad that i have been able to keep that promise. Their music, their podcasts with frank talks about depression and anxiety have really helped with my grief. They are worth supporting.

 When I saw that they were touring again I knew I had to go. My life is sharply divided into Before and After the death of my Best Beloved. But I am trying so hard to carry on the things that we loved so that a bit of Spiderman comes with me wherever I go since we are separated on two planes of existence until I die and we can be reunited. 

 I checked the tour itinerary and found that they were playing in Bristol which is about 3.5 hours away by train. I used my new found Google Maps skills to locate really nice Hotel with a kitchenette right around the corner from the oddly named arts centre the Tobacco Factory Theatre where they would be playing. I used my new found confidence to navigate the train, a taxi, and then unfamiliar set of keys (for someone who loves Locke and Key so much I can be rubbish at opening doors). I learned the new skill of phoning and booking a taxi. This sounds like the sort of things that normal people do all the time but for me with sometimes crippling anxiety, they were a huge milestone. More on this in my next post. 

I brought a framed photo of my Best Beloved  like I did when I went on Wholiday which I think I will do at every new experience that he would have loved so that I can bring him with me because I don't want him to miss out on things. Also I need his loving spirit with me to help me be brave as I navigate doing things on my own.

 Now on to the show. The first half was made even funnier by these ridiculously ill-fitting boiler suits.

 

I could not have asked for a better show at this particular time in my life. The first half of the show was less music and more talk, with some planned but also some clearly improvised skits about tracing Paddy's decline in mental health as it paralleled the state of the nation with each different prime minister. They are so good at capturing the reality of how ridiculous it is that we are so hard on ourselves. Songs like Never Too Late really illustrate all the ways we sabotage ourselves with the opening lines:

Happiness is out there, but out there is very big. 

You've never been good at finding things, you once got lost in a Boots. 

(for my American peeps, that is like getting lost in a Walgreens)

 Which really resonates with me if you remember THIS POST about my extreme lack of a sense of direction. The song also contains phrases like It's never too late to give up (I have this on a fridge magnet) and so many other negative self talk phrases that run through my head. They manage to deal with this sense of self loathing and sabotage so well, in a humorous way. Spiderman was always very good at gently poking fun when i was in an anxiety spiral which made me laugh and showed me how ridiculously flawed my perception of reality was. Their songs and hilarious banter had me laughing until I cried.

 At the end of the first half Jonny was wearing a dress and standing on a chair pretending to be Paddy's dead Scottish mother to help give him some closure from the trauma of being six years old and losing your mother to ovarian cancer. There was lots of of bad "Och, aye Paddy!" which were hilarious and then it made a sharp turn in Jonny telling Paddy in the guise of his mother this message:

 I am so proud of you. I have watched you grow up and you are so kind and so gentle in a world that does not give that back to you. I am so proud of who you have become and i love you very much.

 And suddenly it wasn't Jonny pretending to be Paddy's mother but the Amazing Spiderman talking to me and I cried for real. Because I really needed to hear that. 

 The second half of the show was more like a regular gig, with Paddy on guitar. They sang so many of my favourite songs that I was squealing with joy. To be honest, they are all my favourites from the silly Cocaine Gran which includes my favourite line You used to love your church choir til you punched Ethel in the tits and Isaac from the perspective of a nine year old boy talking about what he did on his summer holidays in which the chorus is I was sitting on the top of a mountain all tied up and waiting for my father to kill me as a sacrifice. There are a lot of songs about the nature of God and Biblical themes with Jonny & the Baptists. 

 All too soon the gig was over. One of my favourite songs Capitalism which is a scathing look at the audience as capitalists which begins You're either against capitalism or you're for the end of the world and the tickets tonight were £14. So we know what side you're on and ends with At the end of the show we have merch.

 They did indeed have merch for sale but i literally own every single thing they sell: the t-shirt, the set of badges, a fridge magnet, the terrible calendar (by their own omission), the Jonny & the Baptists Detective Agency tote bag and every album on both CD and Bandcamp so i just gave them a donation. 

 I had a chance to speak briefly with Jonny afterwards and give them a card i had made telling them how much they meant to us and how they continue to help me deal with my grief. I showed him my photo of Spiderman and he remembered when i wrote to them via Patreon after he died. He was very touched that I brought his photo so he could still be a part of something we loved and he hugged me. This meant so much that he remembered me writing to them. This is why I support them. They make me laugh, they make me cry (in a good way) and they feel like friends because I have followed their journey since they began. 

The one thing that also makes their shows different is the obvious affection between Jonny and Paddy. it is so clear by their interactions and the way that they make each other laugh that they love each other. This has been an ongoing thing in the podcast Making Paddy Happy (now called Happiness is Out There) that was set up to talk about things men don't talk about like mental health particularly "Man up" and all that ridiculous, harmful nonsense or how much you can love a friend of the same gender and it is not "gay" to tell them. 

It was an amazing mini break and I moved throughout the world negotiating things like delayed trains and change of platform like a champ. Spiderman would indeed be proud. 

 And if you would like to support them on Patreon you can do it here: 

 https://www.patreon.com/jonnyandthebaptists

The Toki Pona Wizard of Oz

 Hello lovelies! 

I have just gotten the most fascinating version of the Wonderful Wizard of Oz for my book collection. Has anyone heard of the language Toki Pona? 

According to Wikipedia:

Toki Pona translated as 'the language of good’ is a philosophical artistic constructed language known for its small vocabulary, simplicity, and ease of acquisition  

It was created by Sonja Lang, a Canadian  linguist and translator to simplify her thoughts and communication. 

Toki Pona only has 14 phonemes and focuses on simple, near-universal concepts to maximize expression from very few words. In  her book Toki Pona: The Language of Good, Lang presents around 120 words. Despite the small vocabulary, speakers can understand and communicate, mainly relying on context, combinations of words, and expository sentences to express more specific meanings.

And did I mention that it is all in GLYPHS? That’s right. The title of the book looks like this in Toki Pona:

How amazing is that??? As a very lonely child who didn’t connect well with my peers, I spent years creating secret codes in the hopes that one day there would be a like minded weird friend who would want to write messages back and forth. Bonus points if they wrote it in lemon juice with a toothpick so I could hold the letter over a candle and expose the secret writing. It is for reasons such as this that I was bullied and beaten up frequently as you can imagine. But I digress.

 To see why it is endearing take a look at the table of contents. I love that because there are not words for certain concepts like Scarecrow, Tin Man, Cowardly Lion and Wicked Witch of the West they are described as The Person of Bird Removal, The Metal Person of Plant Cutting, The Strong Beast of Fearful Feelings and The Evil Powerful Woman of the Ending Sun. Click on the photo to enlarge it. 

The illustrations are delightful and the text has an interesting literal but also poetic translation to it such as lines like:

The foot clothing of the Evil Powerful Woman of the Sun's Arrival became the foot clothing of Dorothy. 

I absolutely LOVE this book and the idea of the language. I really want to learn to read and write it. And maybe some day there will be a weird friend who wants to send secret messages in code to each other. 

 

The wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey WHOLIDAY

 Hello Lovelies!

This is part three of my adventurous week. The part you’ve all been waiting for—the WHOLIDAY.

I should first like to say that just as I mentioned HERE in my first post, I was surrounded by angels.

I had a little trouble figuring out which train to catch as the app just offered too many choices, so back in December I went along to the train station and got advice from a friendly employee who helped me choose the best trains to catch. Her advice: never change in Newport as you have to go over a sky bridge to change platforms. Um, no thank you. Always change in Cardiff was her motto and she helpfully printed off a list of all the trains to take on my trip there and return and highlighted the Cardiff ones. Right. Transportation sorted, now onto Accommodation.

 Using the app Booking.com I was able to find a beautiful Georgian hotel that was a seven-minute walk to the museum and was on the seafront. I got a discount for booking on my phone and my room was beautiful. The view from the outside:

The view from inside:

My plan had been to arrive at the station at about 1:30pm, take a taxi to the hotel to check in around 2pm. That was the plan. But there were no taxis in the taxi rank and I was advised to take the bus. Now you may remember my severe bus anxiety from this post about having to the take the bus to go get a mammogram HERE so I honestly wasn't sure if I could cope. I really struggle if plans have to change at the last minute and this was a big change. But the very helpful lady at the station told me I could absolutely do it. She said i would know where to get off. When I saw the pier on my left, look to the right and my hotel would be visible. And she was correct. it was MASSIVE. It was so big it seemed like you might be able to view it from space. What a relief!

I got checked in, unpacked and then used my map reading confidence to go to the Tesco Express and get some picky bits for my tea that night. Then i decided to go to the cinema.

At the end of the High Street was a Cineworld which was HUGE compared to our local VUE. It was easy to get to get and I had time before the film so I pottered around the shops on my way. I decided to go see the film Poor Things because I loved the film The Favourite (also directed by Yorgos Lanthimos). This film was funny and surreal with lush costumes and loads of sex as reanimated from the dead Bella Baxter discovers the world with no preconceived notions of what is expected. It was very arty-farty and I bloody loved it. 

The film was very long (it started at 4:20pm and got out after 7pm.) I was a bit worried walking back down the High Street after dark as there were groups of youths all drinking and shouting. But then I twigged what they were shouting about and I felt safe.

Drunk youth one: There is loads of beautiful architecture here.

Drunk youth two: That's what I'm saying. Georgian architecture! Look at those cornices!

Drunk youth one: But nobody ever looks up to see it. They just look at Caffe Bloody Nero or fecking Poundland which have no SOUL and never look up to see the beautiful Georgian architecture above it

Drunk youth two: What a fecking waste.

I was a bit worried as things look different after dark and I was concerned I might not be able to find my hotel, but i needn't have. It was lit up like a beacon making it very easy to spot. 

The next day, bright and early, I went to the Weston Museum with a quick detour to the soulless Caffe Nero to get a hot chocolate (making sure to glance up and admire the cornices.) I wore my k-9 skirt (of course I did!) and the first thing I did was have my photo made with a Cyberman (as you do.) I also brought my framed photo of Spiderman as he asked me to. 

The museum's website has this to say about the exhibit (which has been so popular, it has been extended until April)

Allons-y, time travellers and art aficionados! Weston Museum is all set to take you on a nostalgia-filled ride with “Adventures in Time and Space – 60 Years of Doctor Who Art.” Celebrating the show’s whopping six decades of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey greatness in November 2023. This exhibition promises to be a treat for all those who’ve shared an adventure with the Doctor.

Hold onto your sonic screwdrivers as we journey back to the roots of the longest-running Sci-Fi extravaganza known to humanity. From the classic era that graced our screens from 1963 to 1989, to the modern reboot that’s been stealing our hearts since 2005, this exhibition is a heartwarming journey for Whovians of all generations.

This is the largest collection of original and digital art from and about the programme ever shown in one location.

Expect to be greeted by the images of familiar faces of the Doctors we’ve cherished through the years – from the stern charm of William Hartnell to the iconic scarf-swirling of Tom Baker, the cheeky charm of David Tennant, the ground-breaking brilliance of Jodie Whittaker, and with the excitement of the new Ncuti Gatwa. And of course, it wouldn’t be a Doctor Who affair without our favourite villains – the Daleks, Cybermen, and a host of creatures that have given the Doctor a run for their money across time and space.

The exhibition unfolds like the pages of a well-worn book, displaying iconic book covers, a blast from the past with those VHS video covers we all remember (oh, the nostalgia!), annuals, comics, and graphic novels that have kept us hooked. To add a sprinkle of that quintessential Doctor Who magic, there’s even a painting that made its debut on the show itself.

We’ve dived into the TARDIS of artistic archives, rounding up an exceptional collection from private art collectors and dedicated fans who’ve lovingly held onto these visual treasures. Marvel at the original cover art of the very first Doctor Who Annual from way back in 1965 – the colours as vivid as a freshly regenerated Time Lord. We’ve joined forces with Doctor Who’s very own artistic time-travellers, securing their prized works from their dusty vaults and bringing them to life with high-resolution digital wizardry.

‘Don’t blink’ for an expedition that transcends time and space, as we celebrate the legacy of Doctor Who through a captivating display of artistry.

 Here are the highlights--my favourite paintings for each Doctor, their enemies and companions.

And my all time favourite thing in the exhibit--Tom Baker PANTS!

I was pretty worn out after the museum so I went back to the hotel for a nap and then out to the nearby Wetherspoons for a meal that night. In between the nap and the meal i did a practice walk to make sure I could find the train station the next day and I absolutely could. 

The next day i had time to stop again for a hot chocolate on my way to the station to catch a 10:40am train back to Wales. Weather was a bit grim--snow and ice--so there was a delay in Cardiff but I got home by 4pm and collapsed in a heap.

For the next two nights I slept about 12 hours each night, so clearly it exhausted me. But I had done it. I had planned and executed a fantastic adventure in time and space all my myself and it has been a success. 

This will open up so many more opportunities for further adventures as I am no longer afraid of doing this alone. 

Do I wish Spiderman was with me? Of course I do. But I have come to understand that I am like a Time Lord--I have two hearts, mine and his, and I will carry them both together until we meet again. 

Allons y! 

My favourite number is SIX

Hello Lovelies!

If you want to read all about my difficulties navigating and how I overcame them, you can read about it HERE but if you want to know what I did on the first part of my winter holiday then read on. 

 This holiday was split into two events--SIX on Sunday and the Wholiday on Tuesday to Thursday, so here is part one of the brilliant week I had. 

About four months ago, I saw an advert on Facebook that the musical SIX all about the wives of Henry VIII was coming to the Swansea Arena in January. I impulsively bought a ticket and decided that 2024 was the year that I would just figure out how get places.  I imagined that this would be my one brave act of the year because I really wanted to go see this musical as I have been hyper focused on the songs and obsessed (obsessed I tell you!) with the costume design. Then suddenly the Amazing Spiderman appeared to me in a dream and told me that I also needed to go to Weston-Super-Mare and the only time I could get time off work was the very same week as SIX. So, this was really happening.

 

If you are not familiar with SIX, then this is what you need to know. All six wives of Henry VIII are upset because all anyone ever knows about them are the words: DIVORCED, BEHEADED, DIED, DIVORCED, BEHEADED, SURVIVED.  At first, they are in competition with each other to try to be the one who had it the worst, but then they realise their lives were so much more than just their relationship to one terrible and powerful man. Themes relating to the idea of female beauty as well as the grooming of young girls and then slut shaming them make this a powerful feminist show.

 Each queen sings in the style of famous pop stars. Wikipedia says:

Catherine of Aragon: is modelled after a mixture of Beyoncé, Jennifer Lopez, and Jennifer Hudson

Anne Boleyn: includes elements of Miley Cyrus, Avril Lavigne, and Lily Allen

Jane Seymour: is reminiscent of Adele, Sia, and Celine Dion.

Anna of Cleves: includes elements of Nicki Minaj and Rihanna.

Katherine Howard: is a blend of young, sexualized pop stars and includes elements of Britney Spears and Ariana Grande.

Catherine Parr: inspired by Alicia Keys and Emeli Sandé.

 

And have I mentioned the spectacular costumes? These costumes combine elements of Tudor fashion (and architecture in the case of Jane Seymour) with a modern glittery disco aesthetic and I am here for it.

If you want to hear the first song Ex Wives just to give you a flavour, watch the video below:

I learned many things about navigation that day, arriving in Swansea 3 hours and 49 minutes before the show, but this practice made Weston-Super-Mare so much easier.  

I broke the journey down into two parts as it was a longer, more complicated walk from the station to the arena. I stopped half way there to eat lunch at the Slug and Lettuce. Isn't this the most perfect looking exterior for a trip to see a Tudor musical? 

I had allowed so much time I actually got to walk it all the way there, turn around and walk all the way back (very good practice as i do not reverse very well at all and things never look the same going the other way) and then walk back to the arena with more confidence and I still had an hour and a half before the show. 

I treated myself to not one but two programmes

and I bought a sparkly pin badge for my backpack of the Anne Boleyn costumes shown here under a spider, sandwiched between Oz and Cthulhu and above Locke and Key because that's how I roll, baby.

But how was the show, I hear you ask. BRILLIANT. I thought my heart might explode in a shower of gold glitter during the first song and it only got better from there. 

And me being me, I helped my elderly seatmate who had some vertigo (we were on the dead centre of Row X) and we became friends and she has come by the bookshop to say hello and let me help her pick out some Horrible Histories books for her grandkids. 

I have listened to the soundtrack nonstop since I went to see it and there are so many bits that I didn't get before but now have a deeper appreciation for. 

Would I see it again? You betcha. 

And this day of navigating in a bigger city with more complicated streets really set me up for success in Weston-Super-Mare. Also, i realised that the VUE Cinema was right near the arena so if ever something really good is coming to Swansea and not to Carmarthen then I will be able to find my way there and back so that opens the door for future adventures. 

Hoorah and lashings of ginger beer! 

Stay tuned for part three of the WHOLIDAY! 

Direction(less)

 Hello Lovelies! 

Everyone has been asking about my holiday or WHOLIDAY as I am calling it.  It was an amazing and overwhelming (but in the best possible way) experience. But with everyone who has asked about it I have started with the travel and navigation part instead of the holiday and I will tell you for why--I am DIRECTIONLESS. So, navigating on my own was a much much much bigger deal than for a normal person (whatever that means.) Everyone who enquired about my hols has remarked on this saying, "Yes, but how was the Doctor Who part of it?" Because no one seems to understand just how important of an achievement this was for me. So, dear reader, I am starting with the most important part. 

First you must understand this:

I have no sense of direction. Other people say that and what they mean is if they get a bit muddled it may take them a few minutes while they relook at the map to orient themselves and then they're back on the right course. This is not what we mean when we talk about me.

I have no spatial sense in the world. I struggle with left and right. I seem to have no memory of my surroundings even if it is a familiar place. It is like a blindness when it comes to moving through the world. A blindness that often leaves me in a state of sheer terror because I am lost. Not just lost, but LOST.

 I first remember this being an issue when in the 5th grade a friend who was coming over for a sleepover phoned and asked for directions to my house and I stood there stunned because I did not know directions to my house. I could only weakly suggest my house address, but I had no memory of how you got there. I recall in a panic quickly handing the phone over to my annoyed mother who rattled off a list of directions. How did she do that? I couldn't do that. My father kindly wrote me a list of things to say which I memorised so that I could be able to tell someone if they asked, but it had no meaning to me. 

 In case you are interested:

 Go down Jackson Street Extension and turn right onto Twin Bridges Road, turn right on Joe Hesni Boulevard and right again at the end and take the first left onto Stephen Circle. 

 This was a coping mechanism I developed, a mantra to chant to help me in familiar places that felt unfamiliar. I still do this every day, reciting the memorised directions from my work to my home. 

 And then once when we lived in England because the street I normally took was blocked off because of a gas leak I had to learn a second way to get home because all I could do was stand in the road and cry because I could not see a way to go around it because straight was the only way I knew.

 Things got worse for me from 6th grade through Louisiana College. Now I had to change classes and had to get places quickly. These were classes I went to every day and I still could not remember how to get there because the halls looked basically the same so there were no landmarks to grasp. I recall vividly the rising terror of standing at the top of the stairs at ASH not knowing which hallway should I take to get to Science. To the left or the right? One way led to English and one to Science, and even doing it every day I could not remember and just watched in panic until I saw a person in my class and followed them down the correct hall. And then there was finding my locker. How could I find it when they all looked alike? And which order did my combination go in? I could recall the numbers but by the time it took me to find my locker I was flustered, and the numbers swam in front of my eyes. 

 Most people never knew this about me. I was very good at "masking." I had seen the look of disbelief and annoyance on my mother's face who thought I was just playing up and had no sense as opposed to no sense of direction. 

 It got much much worse when I learned to drive.  I HATED driving. There was so much to remember, so many body parts to coordinate, the screaming pain like being tased in the tailbone after driving for more than 30 minutes (thank you broken coccyx). How could I also add navigation to the mix?

 I worked the same job for 4 summers. I worked for the Rapides Parish Library Summer Reading Programme.  I was required each week to drive to 2 different library branches a day. It was so stressful because none of it ever looked familiar. I don't mean that each summer I had to re-learn the way because I hadn't driven it in a year. No, I mean each week I had to re-learn because I hadn't driven it in a week.  I was always accompanied by a teenage student worker who had good directional sense.  I just remember speeding down a highway in tears because nothing looked familiar, and I didn't know where I was. Each summer the student worker acted like a SAT NAV and just told me where to turn. Smart ones pointed instead of saying "left" or "right" because I was very likely to go the wrong way. 

 I met the Amazing Spiderman in 1989. He was amazing in more ways than one.  He took that burden from me because he was good at navigation. Perhaps he was just normal and merely competent at it, but in my eyes he was a GENIUS. He was endlessly patient as my father had been.  Whenever we went to a restaurant where you had to go up the stairs and down corridors to get to the toilets not being able to find my way back was a regular occurrence. After 5 minutes he would just come to find me as I stood crying in a corridor, my heart squeezing with panic and shame.  When I desperately wanted to go to London to hear a lecture at Friend's House at the age of 40, he turned it into a board game with photographs of all the landmarks  I had to pass on my 10 minute walk. We played that game every night for weeks before I went so that I could have a mantra of landmarks to recite as I made the simple journey. He never shamed me for this lack of spatial ability. He only ever looked at me with love in his eyes. 

 We were together for 32 years before he died, and he was my North Star in more ways than one. While I have taken trips since he died, there was always someone to meet me on the other side and chauffer me around. And last year when my mother and granddaughter were killed in the car accident, a friend texted me at every airport to tell me my next departure gate. So then all I had to do was find the gate, which was difficult enough, but made less difficult by not having to locate and interpret giant electronic signs that keep changing while you are trying to read them before finding the correct departure gate.  That trip was not fun AT ALL and I had big ole snotty sobbing breakdowns in 3 airports from the stress of it. 

 When Spiderman died, I felt DIRECTIONLESS in more ways than one. Not only had I lost my trusty navigator, but my soulmate as well. I wondered would my directional issues ever allow me to continue on our adventures.  Then a few months ago I had a very clear dream where Spiderman told me I was ready. That I was to go to Weston-Super-Mare to see the Doctor Who exhibit at the museum. That he would guide me, and I was to bring a framed photo of him with me. And so, I booked it--another skill I have had to learn. Transportation and accommodation were also part of the things he did for me.

 I am surrounded by ANGELS. As soon as I started telling customers I was going on a trip, my first holiday since he died, I was surrounded by help.

 An older customer gave me his A-Z book of street maps of Weston-Super-Mare and helped me practice tracing the route from my hotel to the museum every time he came to the shop.

A younger customer showed me how to use GOOGLE MAPS on my phone and set it up for the walking directions.  He taught me that my body would be a large dot on the map and there would be a dotted line I was supposed to follow and so if I was not going the right direction I could see in real time that I was off track. Another customer (who is becoming a friend, hoorah!) showed me that if you do GOOGLE MAPS on a computer you can see street views and so I spent hours before I left practicing walking through the town and making a list of landmarks I would pass to know I was on the right track and landmarks that would help me know where to turn (turn right by Superdrug is much easier than turn right on Orchard Street. Also, why do so many streets not have a fecking street sign????) 

 And so, by the time I got there I knew where I was. I had a list of landmarks and so was much calmer and was able to enjoy myself. It was like a switch had flipped in my head. Suddenly I could see connections. I could see how this street connected to that street and remember it. Something I have NEVER been able to do before.

 

I was like a cartoon getting an idea and a light bulb appears over their head. It was like my whole brain was illuminated for the first time in my life. I even was able to look at GOOGLE MAPS and make the connection that the cinema (where I had practiced finding before the trip) was near the train station and so I was able to use my prior knowledge to get me to the cinema and then do a practice walk the day before I left to the station. I just went slowly, used the dots on GOOGLE MAPS to help me know I was going in the right direction and then emailed myself a list of landmarks to follow the next day. And it worked. it really worked.

 

I came home so excited because I now had coping mechanisms and some directional skills but mainly, I had CONFIDENCE. This has opened up a whole world of travel for me. Which is why I must talk about it first, before I tell you all about my grand adventure. 

 

Stay tuned tomorrow for the tale of SIX go on a WHOLIDAY.