Happiness is Out There

 Hello lovelies! This is the year I am learning to do so many things. After my amazing Doctor Wholiday in Weston-super-Mare where I took my first independent trip since Spiderman died (read about it HERE) I was ready to be brave again and do another thing that we loved, namely to go see our favourite comedy band Jonny & the Baptists in Bristol. This involved expanding my repertoire of new skills that I have had to acquire after the untimely death of the Amazing Spiderman, but I was ready.

Spiderman and I have been fans of Jonny & the Baptists since their earliest days. We were buying merch from them before they set up a dedicated PayPal account and were a bit shambolic posting us something with slightly less postage than it needed and then apologising profusely because they were not very organised. Their hearts were always in the right place and their music funny but with a message.

Every tour they did of the UK, we went.  Every time they did a Kickstarter campaign to raise money for another album, we were backers. When they started a Patreon account we were one of the first sponsors. 

When people ask me about them I like to say that their music is like if satirical political Private Eye magazine was set to music. Their music has looked at serious issues within the conservative government poking fun but also raising awareness. They had a whole album and subsequent tour called Stop UKIP. They are unashamedly left wing socialists but also decent human beings. 

 In later years their albums begin to touch on mental health, dealing with quite serious issues in a light-hearted way but with an underpinning on how serious depression has been for both Jonny and Paddy. Particularly Paddy who had a full-on breakdown in  2020 and is still recovering and the fact that they were both marked emotionally by losing a parent before the age of ten. 

 On his death bed Spiderman made me promise I would always support them on Patreon. I am so glad that i have been able to keep that promise. Their music, their podcasts with frank talks about depression and anxiety have really helped with my grief. They are worth supporting.

 When I saw that they were touring again I knew I had to go. My life is sharply divided into Before and After the death of my Best Beloved. But I am trying so hard to carry on the things that we loved so that a bit of Spiderman comes with me wherever I go since we are separated on two planes of existence until I die and we can be reunited. 

 I checked the tour itinerary and found that they were playing in Bristol which is about 3.5 hours away by train. I used my new found Google Maps skills to locate really nice Hotel with a kitchenette right around the corner from the oddly named arts centre the Tobacco Factory Theatre where they would be playing. I used my new found confidence to navigate the train, a taxi, and then unfamiliar set of keys (for someone who loves Locke and Key so much I can be rubbish at opening doors). I learned the new skill of phoning and booking a taxi. This sounds like the sort of things that normal people do all the time but for me with sometimes crippling anxiety, they were a huge milestone. More on this in my next post. 

I brought a framed photo of my Best Beloved  like I did when I went on Wholiday which I think I will do at every new experience that he would have loved so that I can bring him with me because I don't want him to miss out on things. Also I need his loving spirit with me to help me be brave as I navigate doing things on my own.

 Now on to the show. The first half was made even funnier by these ridiculously ill-fitting boiler suits.

 

I could not have asked for a better show at this particular time in my life. The first half of the show was less music and more talk, with some planned but also some clearly improvised skits about tracing Paddy's decline in mental health as it paralleled the state of the nation with each different prime minister. They are so good at capturing the reality of how ridiculous it is that we are so hard on ourselves. Songs like Never Too Late really illustrate all the ways we sabotage ourselves with the opening lines:

Happiness is out there, but out there is very big. 

You've never been good at finding things, you once got lost in a Boots. 

(for my American peeps, that is like getting lost in a Walgreens)

 Which really resonates with me if you remember THIS POST about my extreme lack of a sense of direction. The song also contains phrases like It's never too late to give up (I have this on a fridge magnet) and so many other negative self talk phrases that run through my head. They manage to deal with this sense of self loathing and sabotage so well, in a humorous way. Spiderman was always very good at gently poking fun when i was in an anxiety spiral which made me laugh and showed me how ridiculously flawed my perception of reality was. Their songs and hilarious banter had me laughing until I cried.

 At the end of the first half Jonny was wearing a dress and standing on a chair pretending to be Paddy's dead Scottish mother to help give him some closure from the trauma of being six years old and losing your mother to ovarian cancer. There was lots of of bad "Och, aye Paddy!" which were hilarious and then it made a sharp turn in Jonny telling Paddy in the guise of his mother this message:

 I am so proud of you. I have watched you grow up and you are so kind and so gentle in a world that does not give that back to you. I am so proud of who you have become and i love you very much.

 And suddenly it wasn't Jonny pretending to be Paddy's mother but the Amazing Spiderman talking to me and I cried for real. Because I really needed to hear that. 

 The second half of the show was more like a regular gig, with Paddy on guitar. They sang so many of my favourite songs that I was squealing with joy. To be honest, they are all my favourites from the silly Cocaine Gran which includes my favourite line You used to love your church choir til you punched Ethel in the tits and Isaac from the perspective of a nine year old boy talking about what he did on his summer holidays in which the chorus is I was sitting on the top of a mountain all tied up and waiting for my father to kill me as a sacrifice. There are a lot of songs about the nature of God and Biblical themes with Jonny & the Baptists. 

 All too soon the gig was over. One of my favourite songs Capitalism which is a scathing look at the audience as capitalists which begins You're either against capitalism or you're for the end of the world and the tickets tonight were £14. So we know what side you're on and ends with At the end of the show we have merch.

 They did indeed have merch for sale but i literally own every single thing they sell: the t-shirt, the set of badges, a fridge magnet, the terrible calendar (by their own omission), the Jonny & the Baptists Detective Agency tote bag and every album on both CD and Bandcamp so i just gave them a donation. 

 I had a chance to speak briefly with Jonny afterwards and give them a card i had made telling them how much they meant to us and how they continue to help me deal with my grief. I showed him my photo of Spiderman and he remembered when i wrote to them via Patreon after he died. He was very touched that I brought his photo so he could still be a part of something we loved and he hugged me. This meant so much that he remembered me writing to them. This is why I support them. They make me laugh, they make me cry (in a good way) and they feel like friends because I have followed their journey since they began. 

The one thing that also makes their shows different is the obvious affection between Jonny and Paddy. it is so clear by their interactions and the way that they make each other laugh that they love each other. This has been an ongoing thing in the podcast Making Paddy Happy (now called Happiness is Out There) that was set up to talk about things men don't talk about like mental health particularly "Man up" and all that ridiculous, harmful nonsense or how much you can love a friend of the same gender and it is not "gay" to tell them. 

It was an amazing mini break and I moved throughout the world negotiating things like delayed trains and change of platform like a champ. Spiderman would indeed be proud. 

 And if you would like to support them on Patreon you can do it here: 

 https://www.patreon.com/jonnyandthebaptists

The wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey WHOLIDAY

 Hello Lovelies!

This is part three of my adventurous week. The part you’ve all been waiting for—the WHOLIDAY.

I should first like to say that just as I mentioned HERE in my first post, I was surrounded by angels.

I had a little trouble figuring out which train to catch as the app just offered too many choices, so back in December I went along to the train station and got advice from a friendly employee who helped me choose the best trains to catch. Her advice: never change in Newport as you have to go over a sky bridge to change platforms. Um, no thank you. Always change in Cardiff was her motto and she helpfully printed off a list of all the trains to take on my trip there and return and highlighted the Cardiff ones. Right. Transportation sorted, now onto Accommodation.

 Using the app Booking.com I was able to find a beautiful Georgian hotel that was a seven-minute walk to the museum and was on the seafront. I got a discount for booking on my phone and my room was beautiful. The view from the outside:

The view from inside:

My plan had been to arrive at the station at about 1:30pm, take a taxi to the hotel to check in around 2pm. That was the plan. But there were no taxis in the taxi rank and I was advised to take the bus. Now you may remember my severe bus anxiety from this post about having to the take the bus to go get a mammogram HERE so I honestly wasn't sure if I could cope. I really struggle if plans have to change at the last minute and this was a big change. But the very helpful lady at the station told me I could absolutely do it. She said i would know where to get off. When I saw the pier on my left, look to the right and my hotel would be visible. And she was correct. it was MASSIVE. It was so big it seemed like you might be able to view it from space. What a relief!

I got checked in, unpacked and then used my map reading confidence to go to the Tesco Express and get some picky bits for my tea that night. Then i decided to go to the cinema.

At the end of the High Street was a Cineworld which was HUGE compared to our local VUE. It was easy to get to get and I had time before the film so I pottered around the shops on my way. I decided to go see the film Poor Things because I loved the film The Favourite (also directed by Yorgos Lanthimos). This film was funny and surreal with lush costumes and loads of sex as reanimated from the dead Bella Baxter discovers the world with no preconceived notions of what is expected. It was very arty-farty and I bloody loved it. 

The film was very long (it started at 4:20pm and got out after 7pm.) I was a bit worried walking back down the High Street after dark as there were groups of youths all drinking and shouting. But then I twigged what they were shouting about and I felt safe.

Drunk youth one: There is loads of beautiful architecture here.

Drunk youth two: That's what I'm saying. Georgian architecture! Look at those cornices!

Drunk youth one: But nobody ever looks up to see it. They just look at Caffe Bloody Nero or fecking Poundland which have no SOUL and never look up to see the beautiful Georgian architecture above it

Drunk youth two: What a fecking waste.

I was a bit worried as things look different after dark and I was concerned I might not be able to find my hotel, but i needn't have. It was lit up like a beacon making it very easy to spot. 

The next day, bright and early, I went to the Weston Museum with a quick detour to the soulless Caffe Nero to get a hot chocolate (making sure to glance up and admire the cornices.) I wore my k-9 skirt (of course I did!) and the first thing I did was have my photo made with a Cyberman (as you do.) I also brought my framed photo of Spiderman as he asked me to. 

The museum's website has this to say about the exhibit (which has been so popular, it has been extended until April)

Allons-y, time travellers and art aficionados! Weston Museum is all set to take you on a nostalgia-filled ride with “Adventures in Time and Space – 60 Years of Doctor Who Art.” Celebrating the show’s whopping six decades of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey greatness in November 2023. This exhibition promises to be a treat for all those who’ve shared an adventure with the Doctor.

Hold onto your sonic screwdrivers as we journey back to the roots of the longest-running Sci-Fi extravaganza known to humanity. From the classic era that graced our screens from 1963 to 1989, to the modern reboot that’s been stealing our hearts since 2005, this exhibition is a heartwarming journey for Whovians of all generations.

This is the largest collection of original and digital art from and about the programme ever shown in one location.

Expect to be greeted by the images of familiar faces of the Doctors we’ve cherished through the years – from the stern charm of William Hartnell to the iconic scarf-swirling of Tom Baker, the cheeky charm of David Tennant, the ground-breaking brilliance of Jodie Whittaker, and with the excitement of the new Ncuti Gatwa. And of course, it wouldn’t be a Doctor Who affair without our favourite villains – the Daleks, Cybermen, and a host of creatures that have given the Doctor a run for their money across time and space.

The exhibition unfolds like the pages of a well-worn book, displaying iconic book covers, a blast from the past with those VHS video covers we all remember (oh, the nostalgia!), annuals, comics, and graphic novels that have kept us hooked. To add a sprinkle of that quintessential Doctor Who magic, there’s even a painting that made its debut on the show itself.

We’ve dived into the TARDIS of artistic archives, rounding up an exceptional collection from private art collectors and dedicated fans who’ve lovingly held onto these visual treasures. Marvel at the original cover art of the very first Doctor Who Annual from way back in 1965 – the colours as vivid as a freshly regenerated Time Lord. We’ve joined forces with Doctor Who’s very own artistic time-travellers, securing their prized works from their dusty vaults and bringing them to life with high-resolution digital wizardry.

‘Don’t blink’ for an expedition that transcends time and space, as we celebrate the legacy of Doctor Who through a captivating display of artistry.

 Here are the highlights--my favourite paintings for each Doctor, their enemies and companions.

And my all time favourite thing in the exhibit--Tom Baker PANTS!

I was pretty worn out after the museum so I went back to the hotel for a nap and then out to the nearby Wetherspoons for a meal that night. In between the nap and the meal i did a practice walk to make sure I could find the train station the next day and I absolutely could. 

The next day i had time to stop again for a hot chocolate on my way to the station to catch a 10:40am train back to Wales. Weather was a bit grim--snow and ice--so there was a delay in Cardiff but I got home by 4pm and collapsed in a heap.

For the next two nights I slept about 12 hours each night, so clearly it exhausted me. But I had done it. I had planned and executed a fantastic adventure in time and space all my myself and it has been a success. 

This will open up so many more opportunities for further adventures as I am no longer afraid of doing this alone. 

Do I wish Spiderman was with me? Of course I do. But I have come to understand that I am like a Time Lord--I have two hearts, mine and his, and I will carry them both together until we meet again. 

Allons y! 

My favourite number is SIX

Hello Lovelies!

If you want to read all about my difficulties navigating and how I overcame them, you can read about it HERE but if you want to know what I did on the first part of my winter holiday then read on. 

 This holiday was split into two events--SIX on Sunday and the Wholiday on Tuesday to Thursday, so here is part one of the brilliant week I had. 

About four months ago, I saw an advert on Facebook that the musical SIX all about the wives of Henry VIII was coming to the Swansea Arena in January. I impulsively bought a ticket and decided that 2024 was the year that I would just figure out how get places.  I imagined that this would be my one brave act of the year because I really wanted to go see this musical as I have been hyper focused on the songs and obsessed (obsessed I tell you!) with the costume design. Then suddenly the Amazing Spiderman appeared to me in a dream and told me that I also needed to go to Weston-Super-Mare and the only time I could get time off work was the very same week as SIX. So, this was really happening.

 

If you are not familiar with SIX, then this is what you need to know. All six wives of Henry VIII are upset because all anyone ever knows about them are the words: DIVORCED, BEHEADED, DIED, DIVORCED, BEHEADED, SURVIVED.  At first, they are in competition with each other to try to be the one who had it the worst, but then they realise their lives were so much more than just their relationship to one terrible and powerful man. Themes relating to the idea of female beauty as well as the grooming of young girls and then slut shaming them make this a powerful feminist show.

 Each queen sings in the style of famous pop stars. Wikipedia says:

Catherine of Aragon: is modelled after a mixture of Beyoncé, Jennifer Lopez, and Jennifer Hudson

Anne Boleyn: includes elements of Miley Cyrus, Avril Lavigne, and Lily Allen

Jane Seymour: is reminiscent of Adele, Sia, and Celine Dion.

Anna of Cleves: includes elements of Nicki Minaj and Rihanna.

Katherine Howard: is a blend of young, sexualized pop stars and includes elements of Britney Spears and Ariana Grande.

Catherine Parr: inspired by Alicia Keys and Emeli Sandé.

 

And have I mentioned the spectacular costumes? These costumes combine elements of Tudor fashion (and architecture in the case of Jane Seymour) with a modern glittery disco aesthetic and I am here for it.

If you want to hear the first song Ex Wives just to give you a flavour, watch the video below:

I learned many things about navigation that day, arriving in Swansea 3 hours and 49 minutes before the show, but this practice made Weston-Super-Mare so much easier.  

I broke the journey down into two parts as it was a longer, more complicated walk from the station to the arena. I stopped half way there to eat lunch at the Slug and Lettuce. Isn't this the most perfect looking exterior for a trip to see a Tudor musical? 

I had allowed so much time I actually got to walk it all the way there, turn around and walk all the way back (very good practice as i do not reverse very well at all and things never look the same going the other way) and then walk back to the arena with more confidence and I still had an hour and a half before the show. 

I treated myself to not one but two programmes

and I bought a sparkly pin badge for my backpack of the Anne Boleyn costumes shown here under a spider, sandwiched between Oz and Cthulhu and above Locke and Key because that's how I roll, baby.

But how was the show, I hear you ask. BRILLIANT. I thought my heart might explode in a shower of gold glitter during the first song and it only got better from there. 

And me being me, I helped my elderly seatmate who had some vertigo (we were on the dead centre of Row X) and we became friends and she has come by the bookshop to say hello and let me help her pick out some Horrible Histories books for her grandkids. 

I have listened to the soundtrack nonstop since I went to see it and there are so many bits that I didn't get before but now have a deeper appreciation for. 

Would I see it again? You betcha. 

And this day of navigating in a bigger city with more complicated streets really set me up for success in Weston-Super-Mare. Also, i realised that the VUE Cinema was right near the arena so if ever something really good is coming to Swansea and not to Carmarthen then I will be able to find my way there and back so that opens the door for future adventures. 

Hoorah and lashings of ginger beer! 

Stay tuned for part three of the WHOLIDAY! 

What We Ate Wednesday--What I ate on my trip to the US

Hello lovelies! I recently spent two weeks in the US visiting my daughter and two delightful grand daughters.

Let's just start by saying, that no one in my American family is vegan or eats as healthy as we do. However, my daughter was a complete star--reading labels for unhealthy ingredients and animal products--and allowing me to fill up her fridge with vegetables and use her kitchen.

I haven't travelled back to the US since 2011. I had forgotten just how hard it is to find food without High Fructose Corn Syrup (HFCS) and hydrogenated oils. They are literally in EVERYTHING.

All the more reason to eat a whole food plant based diet while I was there.

Which was considerably more expensive than in the UK. I can completely see why families struggle to feed their kids healthy, nutritious food when produce costs so much and McDonalds cost so little.

If I had been at home, I would have cooked more adventurous meals, but I was not at home. I was far from home and having to use someone else's kitchen. So this is what I bought:

onions
peppers 
roasted garlic in a jar
bottle wheat free soy sauce
bottle of lemon juice
red potatoes
big bag of kale
tins of chickpeas
tins of black beans
tins of kidney beans
small tin of sweetcorn
stock cubes

Now, my mum gladly lent me some spices from her cupboard so i wouldn't have to buy any. However, if I hadn't had a mum who lived a few streets away from my daughter's house I could have brought a few spice jars with me or just bought the minimum spices I needed. The minimum I could have used were these:

cumin
paprika
Italian herbs

Would more variety have been nicer? Sure. But that was the minimum. I could make lots of recipes with those. My mum included a few more like curry powder and my daughter had some Creole seasoning I borrowed because it was there.

So, how did I start my day? With Overnight Oats. My wonderful stepdad Carl bought me the following ingredients ahead of time and brought them to my daughter's house, so when I woke up the next day after 27 hours of travel, there would be breakfast. Carl and I both get HANGRY (hungry + angry) so he was a life saver. I made my Overnight Oats with:

Quaker rolled oats
almond milk
apple juice
frozen mango

If I had been home I would have added chopped nuts, maybe some coconut and definitely some chia seeds. But I was trying to keep it cheap.

Because I am secretly a Hobbit, I always have Second Breakfast.  We found some vegan and gluten free frozen waffles and some organic syrup made from agave, maple syrup and cinnamon that were free of hydrogenated oils or HFCS. I baulked at the price of both, but my beautiful and generous daughter bought them for me. They had frozen waffles in their freezer too, and we could all sit down and "eat the same thing" together. For extra "staying power" I ate my waffle with a spoonful of peanut butter and the syrup.

After breakfast, I would drain and rinse a tin of beans and add some seasonings, put it into a reusable container and pop it in the fridge for lunch. For lunch, I would eat HALF of the spicy, marinated beans and then for supper I would cook onion, garlic, peppers and add in the remaining marinated beans plus cooked potatoes and kale. Because the beans were different every day, it tasted like a new dish every time.

I should also say that I cooked about 3 days worth of red potatoes in vegetable stock (from the exorbitant organic stock cubes I bought) and refrigerated them. then every night I just tossed a handful into my pan and reheated them.

Some of the variations I ate were:
magic beans made with kidney beans (4 TB nutritional yeast flakes--I had brought them with me in my suitcase--1 TB oil and 1 TB soy sauce)
chickpeas with 2 tsp cumin and 2 TB lemon juice
black beans with sweetcorn with cumin and paprika
kidney beans with Creole seasoning
chickpeas, 1 TB soy sauce, 1 TB lemon juice 1 tsp Italian herbs
black beans, paprika and defrosted frozen mango

Cumin lemon chickpeas with onion, pepper, garlic, potatoes and kale

We decided to try to eat some "family meals" together, even though we both ate vastly different things. We managed this two ways:

Spaghetti night. They had meat sauce and regular pasta, I had marinara sauce and GF pasta. I used some nutritional yeast flakes that I had brought with me in my suitcase as a Parmesan cheese on mine.

Brinner (Breakfast for Dinner) We made grits to share, frozen waffles of our individual sorts and they had scrambled eggs and i had scrambled tofu. I had to improvise on the tofu, but a splash of soy sauce, some nutritional yeast flakes and a shake or two of mum's curry powder (for colour) and it was all good.

We did eat out a bit. Many lovely friends wanted to see me and unfortunately, the only place in town that has a play area is McDonalds. Not my first choice (or my second...or my third) but with two preschoolers, you need a play area. On these occasions, my daughter and her kids ate there and  I brought a pack lunch of marinated beans and my cutlery roll where I can bring my own silverware and thereby avoid single use plastics.

Don't get me started on single use plastics. Can you believe there is STILL no recycling in my hometown????? I felt like I was committing a crime with every item that I had to throw away that I knew could be recycled. *Shudder.* Also, I was shocked at how several shops did not like me taking in re-usable bags and Every.Single.Shop. gave me a plastic bag whether I wanted it or not. (Even after I would preemptively shout "No bags, please!").

I could rant about this for days...perhaps in another post. It has made me come home to my beloved Wales and vow to be even better about my plastic use. I am really trying to reduce our plastic use...so there may be blog posts on that that follow.

Anyway. Back to food.

If you are a vegan and must eat out in a fast food establishment in the US, Wendy's supposedly makes an awesome salad with roasted edamame(if you get it without chicken) and you can get a jacket potato. I was never able to try this  as they lack a play area for two frisky preschoolers. (see above) On my way out of town to drive to Houston to the airport I did eat at Taco Bell. If you order the crunchy corn taco shells it is GF and ask for beans instead of beef and "fresco style" you get pico de gallo instead of cheese and sour cream. It's not gourmet, but it is at least vegan. I had better luck here than at a really nice Mexican restaurant I went to with my cousin's family. Despite me repeatedly saying (and other members of the table saying) to the waiter about just bringing the VEGETABLES THAT COME WITH FAJITAS AND NO MEAT....I still got meat in there. Blech.

I also ate at an Olive Garden where I had a nice salad (sans croutons) and some GF pasta with marinara. I brought some nutritional yeast flakes in a small container for Parmesan. it was OK. Not brilliant...but edible. I ate at a fantastic independent Lebanese restaurant named Jerusalem  where I got velvety hummus and cucumbers (in lieu of pita bread) and some flavourful beans (that were good but too oily for my tastes.) I had a lunch at the Oriental Wok with my sister-in-law and her husband. I had remembered them having a huge array of vegetarian dishes, but hadn't counted on the fact that we had to order solely from the lunch menu. There was less choice. Well, one choice. I got Kung Bo tofu in a spicy sauce...and that was all I could eat. I couldn't eat the soup (not vegan or GF) or the eggroll (ditto) and the fried rice had egg. And maybe sausage. Who knows. I asked if I could get some fried rice without "stuff" in it and was told NO. it was already made. I am really spoiled as our friend and landlord owns a Chinese restaurant around the corner from our house and he often generously gives us free meals. He *always* makes sure we get vegan fried rice.

So, did I eat healthily on my foray back to the land of my birth? Yes. Mostly.

Was I able to escape HFCS and hydrogenated oil? No. Not completely.

Did I manage to have any treats while I was there? Yes. Quite a lot. I had to do a sugar detox when I came back. I found a few types of sweets that you could buy at the Dollar Store.

my Texas granny always had these peanut butter logs

Chick-O-Sticks taste like a naked Butterfinger

We also found a no bake cookie bar recipe that was both vegan and GF, plus free of the things I didn't want to eat. It was extremely decadent and sweet, but easy to do. We made it twice (twice!), one time with the munchkins helping with the measuring. The other time we made it and didn't tell the kids and just ate it all ourselves. FACT. 

Peanut Butter Krispie Squares

Melt in a pan:

1.5 cups peanut butter

1 cup light brown sugar

1 cup Karo corn syrup (not to be confused with HFCS...in the UK I'd say use Golden Syrup or Brown Rice Syrup as it needs to be a thick syrup)

When melted, pour over 5 cups Rice Krispie type cereal. Stir until coated and then spread into a foil lined pan. Score some lines in there and refrigerate until firm. 

We used expensive Sugar in the Raw because white sugar in the US is not vegan on account of being processed through bone char. 

Did I enjoy my time in the US? You bet. I loved seeing my daughter and her kiddos and my mum and stepdad. I saw several lovely friends who gifted me with many wonderful gifts (mostly spider themed...they know me well.) 

Was I glad to get back to the UK? Hells yeah. I missed my Spiderman something fierce and I was glad to get back to affordable produce, recycling and sugar you don't have to think about not being vegan. 

Now I just need to go recycle something to do penance for two weeks of throwing so much away.