The Case of the Suspiciously Bristly Moustache

Hello friends. One of the things that I love about Spiderman is that we can still stay up all night discussing random topics. We’ve done this for years—even before we were married—we would often stay up deep in conversation in EV Commons until the sun rose.

We once stayed up all night having a marathon of film versions of Dickens’ A Christmas Carol and keeping a log about how textually accurate (or inaccurate) they were. We kept big complicated diagrams and charts about certain passages of prose and how they were handled in each film. The winner—the film deemed to be the most textually accurate was The Muppet’s Christmas Carol.  

So, recently we have been watching a marathon of all the Inspector Morse episodes we own (which is nearly all of them). This has led us to discuss how Morse in the show played so beautifully by actor John Thaw as a hard-drinking, opera-loving, crossword addict grouch is much sanitised from the books. Author Colin Dexter definitely softened the character who was more patronising to women and obsessed with sex. He was less likeable in the books. And there were other changes as well. His sidekick Detective Lewis is Welsh in the books (a fact neither of us remembered) because we are used to seeing him as Geordie (from Newcastle) actor Kevin Whately. Sixth Doctor incarnation Colin Baker played him on stage, much more like the books, and would have been very good at it if you recall his arsehole version of the Doctor. This really wasn’t Colin Baker’s fault…an actor can only work with what he was given. But he would have made a wonderful textually accurate Morse.  

This led to discussions about other long running detective shows where the actor becomes the *true* version and you forget what he or she was like in the books.

Looking at versions of Sherlock Holmes we both agree that Basil Rathbone is good, but Jeremy Brett is THE Holmes. He did it the longest and it nearly drove him mad. He *became* Holmes, which is not a very good thing to do considering who Holmes is—a drug addict and most certainly bipolar. Brett himself famously battled mental illness—many of the same demons that plagued Holmes. I have also often thought Holmes was on the Autistic Spectrum. And while we *adore* the new Sherlock with Benedict Cumberbatch, they are more a subversion of the genre filled with a wink and a nod to the original source like cases such as the Speckled Blond (the Speckled Band) and the Geek Interpreter (the Greek Interpreter). They are magnificent in themselves, but are not textually accurate.

We got onto Miss Marple (again…Joan Hickson is THE definitive Marple) who may not look as the books describe. I have a real memory of the words “bird like” in one of the books which would suit fantastic-actress-but-all-wrong-for-the-part of Miss Marple Geraldine MacEwan, but not Joan Hickson as she was stockier. Also, the character mellowed over time in the books—she was a right nosy parky and bitchy gossip in the first book The Murder at the Vicarage. We always just think of her as beloved spinster.

Miss Marple inevitably led us onto Hercule Poirot. Again…many have played him—some good, some bad—but to us the definitive was David Suchet, who played him for a quarter of a century. We loved Albert Finney in the 1974 Murder on the Orient Express. He seemed to capture Poirot’s fastidiousness and vanity. I *hated* Peter Ustinov even though I adored Death on the Nile (1978) and Evil Under the Sun (1982). Ustinov was all wrong. He was just playing himself with a Frenchy accent and his OWN MOUSTACHE.

I am not the only one who thinks this. According to Wikipedia:

Christie's daughter Rosalind Hicks observed Ustinov during a rehearsal and said, "That's not Poirot! He isn't at all like that!" Ustinov overheard and remarked "He is now!"

This led us into several days discussion about Poirot’s Moustache which is where all this has been leading.

David Suchet

                                                   

Why we loved Suchet’s performance so much was his attention to detail about Poirot’s appearance and his moustache. In case you don’t know Poirot was a Belgian refugee who fled to the UK during WWI. In his first appearance in The Mysterious Affair at Styles his moustache was described as stiff and military owing to the fact that he was refugee and didn’t have the money for haircare.

Here is where book and video versions start to merge or separate. Spiderman and I both recall clearly the books talked about Poirot having little curling tongs to curl the ends of his moustache. We remember a moustache kit with waxes and oils. We remember his vanity and sleeping with a moustache guard to keep it in place.

Peter Ustinov

This is why I hated Peter Ustinov—it was not Poirot’s moustache—it was just Usinov’s. The moustache was like a separate character to me. It had a life of its own, like a prissy little hairy friend of Poirot perched on his upper lip. Ustinov’s has no style. It was also salt and pepper which annoyed me as I recall Poirot’s vanity where he dyed his moustache and his hair.

This is where I loved David Suchet. His moustache was magnificent, prim, prissy, curled, and overly dark. It seemed exactly as Agatha Christie had written it.

Branagh and the walrus

When the advert for the new Murder on the Orient Express came out we fell about laughing. What the hell did Kenneth Branagh have on his face??? Where did that giant walrus of a moustache come from? Didn’t he read the book for Frith’s sake??

This is where WE were wrong. We had spent so long looking at David Suchet that we had somehow made his moustache the definitive one.

According to AgathaChristie.com

The more Poirot became an established private detective, the bigger his trademark moustache became. By the early 1930s his famous facial hair had evolved from being stiff and military into a magnificent, luxurious asset which gained much comment from himself, narrators and other characters within each story. Throughout Christie’s stories, his moustache was described as ‘gigantic’, ‘immense’ and ‘amazing’, pointing to the importance of this physical asset. By 1934 Poirot himself was described as ‘a little man with enormous moustaches’ in Murder on the Orient Express. By this point and beyond it was clearly his greatest physical attribute, being described as ‘an immense moustache’ in The Labours of Hercules in 1947.

So, why does Kenneth Branagh’s moustache feel so WRONG to us?

It is just ludicrously large.  Branagh defends it in article after article calling on the text to back him up, but I just don’t buy it.

It may be an enormous moustache, but it is doesn’t seem well cared for or groomed with wax and oils and it certainly not dyed. The salt and pepper thing he’s got going on does not work for me—Poirot was too vain for that. In Appointment with Death it is described as suspiciously black. And what the hell is that little goatee/soul patch thing???? I might could live with the ridiculous moustache if it weren’t for the unexplained very un-Poirot like tuft of hair. 

What are your views? Have you seen the new Murder on the Orient Express? Did you want to punch Kenneth Branagh in face throughout the film?

Who are your favourite versions of literary detectives?

I leave you with this Tom Gauld cartoon which says it better than I ever could. 

                          

Law and Order SVU (Snail Victims Unit)

I had a dream last night.

This is not unusual. I dream vividly every night. A few nights ago, I had a terrible nightmare that I left bread baking in our oven and went off to Canterbury Cathedral with my in-laws who were here on holiday and our house burned down killing the Spiderbabes and the Bronte snail GALS.

No, this was one of my “crack-ass” dreams (as Spiderman calls them.)

                              

I am a firm believer that your everyday life bleeds into your dreams. We have been watching DVD marathons of Law and Order  from seasons 3-7. The good ones—the ones with Jerry Orbach as Detective Lennie Briscoe. I have such a crush on him. 

Anyway, in this dream Charlotte Bronte the snail was on trial for murder of a homeless man. I missed all the Law part…I did not dream of her arrest, only the Order part where she was actually on trial. She was being defending by Jack McCoy (played by Sam Waterston) and the prosecutor was Tovah Feldshuh (she is on many episodes as a lawyer). I think of all the lawyers that have repeat parts on the show my dream picked her because she is also in another favourite show Crazy Ex Girlfriend playing Rachel Bloom’s mother.

Interestingly, as I write this I have just realised that the roles were reversed—on the show McCoy always is the prosecutor, not the defence. In the dream, he was the defence.

Much of the dream is lost into the ether, but a few fragments remain which I will try to recreate them for you.

                      

They had Charlotte in her little terrarium on the witness stand.

Tovah Feldshuh: Where were you the night John Doe was murdered?

Charlotte: (eats lettuce)

Tovah Feldshuh: I ask you again, where were you?

Charlotte: (eats lettuce)

Jack McCoy: Your honour, she’s a snail. She can’t talk.

Judge: Sit down, Mr McCoy. The witness must answer the question.

Charlotte: (eats lettuce)

Jack McCoy: The witness can’t answer! She’s a snail, for God’s sake!

Judge: Pipe down, Mr McCoy or I will find you in contempt.

Tovah Feldshuh: Permission to treat as hostile, your honour?

Judge: Permission granted.

Tovah Feldshuh: (takes lettuce leaf away)

I don’t remember what else happened here, but the next bit I remember was this.

Tovah Feldshuh: You claim your name is Charlotte but isn’t it true you are both male and female. A hermaphrodite!

Jack McCoy: Objection! Irrelevant!

Tovah Feldshuh: Goes to credibility, your honour. If the witness lied about this, then we can show she lied about other things.

Jack McCoy: The witness can’t lie. She’s a snail!

Judge: Overruled. I’ll allow it. Answer the question, Miss Bronte.

Charlotte: (eats lettuce)

Tovah Feldshuh: Isn’t it true that as a Giant African Land Snail that you are a menace to society, eating everything that gets in your path?

Jack McCoy: Objection!

Tovah Feldshuh: Giant African Land Snails have been known to decimate crops. Is that what you did to John Doe? Did you decimate him, too?

Jack McCoy: Objection! She’s badgering the witness! Snails don’t eat people! They are vegetarians! Besides, that’s not even what happened to the victim.

Judge: Calm down, Mr McCoy. I’ll allow it.

The rest of the trial is a blur, but the ending I remember clearly.

Judge: Madame forewoman, you have deliberated for three days. Is there any indication that if you have more time, you will be able to reach a verdict?

Forewoman: No, your honour. We are deadlocked.

Judge: Then I have no recourse, but to declare a mistrial. (bangs gavel) The jury is dismissed.

The last bit of the dream took place in Adam Schiff’s office. In the show they always end with him saying something pithy in his trademark gruff way. God bless Steven Hill who was a wonderful character actor in this role.

Adam Schiff: Well, you got the snail off. Until the next trial.

Jack McCoy: I heard it was eleven to one. Eleven people could clearly see that a small snail couldn’t have possibly stabbed a homeless man 37 times. Snails can’t hold a knife. They’ve got no arms!

Adam Schiff: One holdout, eh? Must have been a gardener.

So, this is what happens when you watch too much crime drama from the 1990’s.

You get crack-ass dreams.

Elementary my dear muppet

It is no secret that I have some weird-ass dreams. Most mornings start off by me saying, "I had this weird dream last night" and Spiderman interrupting to say, "No you didn't." 

Recently I had a crazy dream about the characters from Sesame Street starring in an adaptation of Sherlock Holmes.

Sherlock Hemlock

This is clearly not an original idea, but in my dream there was some different casting.

Bert was the obvious choice for Sherlock. He could be be quite moody and intellectual on the show. In the dream he was striding around the room like Benedict Cumberbatch (you were expecting him any moment to give an impassioned speech about refugees).

If Bert was Sherlock then of course Ernie had to be Watson. Ernie always has been the comic element who keeps Bert from getting too serious (much like Martin Freeman does to Bendict Cumberbatch).

Always put-upon Prairie Dawn was the natural choice for their housekeeper/landlord Mrs Hudson. Prairie Dawn was always one of my favourite muppets because she was so sweet and ladylike until she had had too much nonsense and then she blew her top. Much like Mrs Hudson.

Cookie Monster was there as Fat Mycroft (as he is portrayed in the original stories and on the delightful Christmas episode)

Mark Gatiss as Mycroft

 This was a huge surprise as the actor Mark Gatiss is whippet-thin. 

Lastly, Grover as the well meaning but never-gets-it-right Inspector Lestrade. 

The weird thing was it was using the exact same set as the Benedict Cumberbatch Sherlock programme. The exact same costumes, set, props --everything. Just with muppets. 

I was just waking up as i was trying to work out what story they were filming. 

Too late...the memory faded away. But this helped us to speculate what it might have been.

Have you ever watched Monsterpiece Theatre? it is a parody of Masterpiece Theatre on PBS originally hosted by Alistair Cooke.  The Sesame Street one was hosted by Alistair Cookie who wore a smoking jacket (and smoked a pipe until the mid 80s then the pipe was cut for sending a bad message to kids) 

They show such classics as:

The Old Man and the C

The King and I (about a king and his dance partner the letter i)

Twelve Angry Men (there was a mix up--they showd Three Sad Cows followed by Two Proud Pigs instead) 

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (other numbers fly as well)

The 39 Steps (where grover runs up and down a bunch of stairs and wears himself out)

and my personal favourite:

The Taming of the Shoe by William Shoespeare--famous podiatrist) Where a defiant shoe refuses to go on Grover's foot so he can walk to the Padua mall. 

If you are interested, many of these episodes are on You-Tube. Check them out. 

Anyway, with this sort of parody already in the muppet's repertoire how about these for Muppet Sherlock episodes?

A Sandal in Bohemia (perhaps a sequel to the Taming of the Shoe)

The Red-Headed League and A Study in Scarlet (insert other colours)

The Five Orange Pips and The Sign of Four(substitute other numbers) 

The Man With the Twisted Lip and The Adventure of the Engineer's Thumb (substitute any other body parts) 

The Adventure of the Dancing Men (Substitute other actions like jumping, hopping, skipping etc)
The Hound of the Baskervilles (substitute other animlas like cat, cow, goat, spider, whale etc) 

And my personal favourite Holmes story: 

The Adventure of the Speckled Band (Substitute in striped, spotted, checked, chevron, flowered--any other type of clothing pattern)

So there you have it. My dream cast and suggestions for episodes. Anyone want to take me up on it? BBC? PBS? Anybody? 

Lark Rise to (cake)ford

We have a ritual. Every morning I wake up and say, "I had a dream last night"  and Spiderman replies, "No you didn't." 

This is because he knows without a shadow of a doubt that I have dreamed some weirdo dream. I have very vivid dreams and I remember nearly every one.

This latest dream was no doubt inspired by watching too many episodes in our boxset of the charming telly series Lark Rise to Candleford. 

Do you know this sweet and gentle programme? I am besotted with it. I have read the books that it is based on twice (a trilogy, beautifully written by Flora Thompson that describe people and places and life in the late 19th century. Her semi autobiographical novels perfectly capture rural life as is is slowly taken over by "progress" and mechanisation as our heroine Laura Timmins moves from the small hamlet of Larkrise to the neighbouring market town of Candleford to work as an assistant to the post mistress Dorcas Lane.)

Well in my dream I had been doing a lot of baking and bringing my treats to work. Not so unusual. The sweets were always well received and snaffled up by people who kept exclaiming "This is so delicious! I can't believe it is vegan!"  Again, not unusual. But then suddenly I was in the Candleford Post Office. It seems I work in the Candleford Post Office. OK, not quite so usual.

I bring in a batch of my brownies that always get raves when Minnie the maid  tells me there won't be a need for them.

Me: But why? You love my brownies.
Minnie:  I know but we don't need your brownies because Miss Lane has baked a cake.

Then Laura Timmins appears.

 Laura: i think what Minnie means is while we all love your baked goods, they are not real baked goods because they are not made with butter and eggs.
Me: They are so real baked goods! You liked my marmalade cake so much you asked for the recipe!
Minnie: I know. That's how we found out they weren't real. Whoever heard of a cake without butter and eggs.

Then Dorcas Lane appears.

Me: you love my cake. you told me so. Why won't you eat my brownies?
Dorcas: I am afraid that is is just not possible now that we know they aren't real. Which is rather a shame because cake is my one weakness. My own cakes often contain up to a dozen eggs. Now if you will excuse me I need to go and make calve's foot jelly. (seriously, a real thing. How do you think jell-o is made?)

Then God-fearing postman Thomas Brown appeared.
Thomas:(crams a brownie in his mouth) Well, I for one never noticed the lack of butter or eggs in Miss Heather's baked goods. ma'am. They all taste good with a cup of tea.
Me: Thank you Thomas.

Then his timid wife Margaret Brown appears.
Margaret: I had noticed a lack of butteryness in the baked good, but did not want to say for fear of causing offence.

This is when I lost it. I decided I would bake a spectacular cake, a cake like no other and enter it in the annual autumn fair that was conveniently happening on the weekend. I decided on a chocolate cherry cake.  it would be made like my well received marmalade cake but with cherry preserves mixed in.  It would have dried cherries and chunks of chocolate and a rich chocolate frosting. I would win the baking competition and then everyone from Larkrise to Candleford would know that vegan baking is real baking. 19th century or not.

But then, this is when things started to get weird. (more weird, I suppose I should say.)

Inexplicably, my oven was located in the back yard of my childhood home. Yes, literally in the middle of my back yard. Not a plug in sight. But somehow I am able to heat it up. I am having to do all my cooking outside and am concerned about pollen falling in my cake batter. I manage to make a spectacular looking batter that needs to get into the oven straightway to let the vinegar react with the baking soda so it will rise and when I open the oven it i full of stuff. Seriously. All this old metal work. Old dented pots and pans, bits if wrought iron. Dorcas Lane also owns the forge where blacksmithing is done as well as the Post Office and so I suspect sabotage. I rant and rail and try to pull all these oddments of metal out of the oven (being metal they are frightfully hot and I don't seem to have any oven gloves. i am using a large palm leaf instead) and by the time i get everything out the oven is cold and the cake has sunk and I am in no way going to win the baking contest.

it is then I wake up.

Glad to not be a vegan in the 19th century (were there even vegans in the 19th century? there were vegetarians, but vegans?)  I decided to make the cake.  I made a delicious gluten free chocolate cake with 4 TB cherry preserves and a half cup of dried cranberries that were flavoured with pomegranate juice and frosted it with a rich and creamy chocolate frosting.

It is, no matter what Candleford folk say, a real cake.

Come on in, the water’s *HOT*

As a child I grew up watching the Super Friends. What child of the 70s and 80s didn’t? We were all watching the Justice League of America fight crime every Saturday morning. I mean they had Superman, Batman and Robin, Wonder Woman and Aquaman. Then in 1977 they introduced the Wonder Twins and their pet monkey Gleek.

The Wonder Twins had special powers (Zan can transform into water at any state--liquid, gas, solid like ice--and Jayna can transform into any animal--real or mythological) but it requires them to touch each other and speak the magic words, “Wonder twins power activate!”

I spent a lot of time trying to fist bump other kids whilst saying those magic words. This was mostly followed by a withering stare as apparently the Wonder Twins weren’t cool enough. I recall once saying to one of these naysayers “Wonder twins power activate! Form of : ICE. I will freeze you with my magic powers!” and then was promptly scooped up and put into the nearest bin on the playground.

Sigh….this happened a lot with me.

So I  turned my attention to the “real” Super Friends. But even then I seem to have gotten it wrong. I picked Aquaman. I mean, he was the King of Atlantis and could communicate telepathically with fish!

Most kids laughed at Aquaman. They joked about what good are crime fighting skills UNDER WATER? I mean, how many under water banks are there? Even if there were, why would anyone try to rob them?

Even today people pick on him for his lack of “good” superpowers.

I may have given up on the Wonder Twins, but I never gave up on Aquaman.

I have always been fascinated by Atlantis (despite being terrified of sharks and refusing to go in the sea after seeing Jaws at the cinema.) Thanks Mum and Dad. When I was a wee girl I used to be the last child to be dropped off from my yellow school bus and I sat right behind the friendly bus driver Mr McLaren and told him stories about an undersea race of people who lived in a glass bubble. All my ideas were pinched from a book about Atlantis I had read, but I pretended they were my own original creation. I often wonder now what he thought of the tiny girl who sat behind him and chirpily talked non-stop. He was an excellent listener.

In high school I found a pair of Aquaman Underoos (remember those? “Underoos are fun to wear, yeah something super new in underwear!” Basically underwear and a  t-shirt to make you look like a superhero) at a garage sale and I bought them and had them pinned on the wall of my bedroom.

I have remained an Aquaman fan girl all my life and it has finally paid off. Now everyone will know what I have always known. Aquaman is cool. He is a bad-ass.

Look at these pictures of Jason Momoa as Aquaman in the upcoming 2016 Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice.

OMG. Be still my beating heart.

The dreadlocks.

The Polynesian tattoos.

The muscles.

Now everyone can finally agree--Aquaman is the best.

You’ll always be my underwater hero! *Swoon*

And now for something completely different

Since we are moving to Wales we are going to have a bit of a lifestyle change. No more popping into London for us. We used to do that an awful lot and it was a blast.

 But it was expensive.

 Terrifically expensive.

 We are so very lucky that where we are going is a university town and so many of our favourite comedians often tour the college circuit. Marcus Brigstocke was there just a month or two ago. Carmarthen also boasts a cinema (for when Joe Hill’s film Horns based on his incredible book is finally released) as well as a playhouse for the theatre. The university theatre department is also there and I am sure we will see some great student productions as well.

But mostly we are going to walk.

 And hike.

 And be in the green wide open spaces.

 And look for wildlife.

 We’re armed with a bat detector and a set of cool Nordic walking poles from some amazing friends of mine.

 But we wanted one last thing. One last special day out. One last glorious hoorah.

 And we did it. There could have been *nothing* better than this.

 As our last hoorah in London we went to see

Monty Python’s Flying Circus Live!!!!!!

I know! I know! It was the last night of their One Down, Five to Go tour.

It was bloody brilliant (but I don’t need to tell you that, do I?)

Man, they were old. Really old. But still as funny as ever.

And Carol Cleveland? Oh yeah. She was still a babe.

 It was an all singing, all dancing extravaganza (with young, fit dancers doing the silly walk as John Cleese has had two hip replacements and obviously can’t do it anymore) with old favourite songs like Sit On My Face and The Penis Song (with additional new verses)

Listen to the Penis Song here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9PiqCeLEmM

 It was a very good mix of the show and the films.

 For example…

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!!!!!

If you do not know this from the show then watch it here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ixgc_FGam3s

 

1. Turn the rack (yes, ha ha…it is a kitchen rack)

2. Put her in the comfy chair. (oh yes…)

3. Go to the fridge and get her a glass of cold milk (what??? That’s not in the original)

 And then of course it hits me.

 BOOM. What’s in the fridge? Why only my favourite Python Eric Idle--who comes out of the fridge in the film The Meaning of Life to sing the Galaxy song!

 

Listen to it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buqtdpuZxvk

This was followed by an *ingenious* video clip of dishy Professor Brian Cox explaining how the song was scientifically inaccurate and being run down by the actual Stephen Hawking in his motorised wheelchair after which “The Hawk” sang the Galaxy song with his robot voice manipulator.

 Utter fantastic. I nearly peed my pants when Stephen Hawking came zooming down the path and bumped off Brian Cox.

 

There were Poofy Judges https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q80ElML7KGk and Llamas in Spanish  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBaUmx5s6iE

 

 

There was a good ole sing song to the Bruce’s Philosopher’s song (which I can play on the ukulele) Join in singing here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j6AhepWgYg4

 Albatross  (it’s bloody sea bird flavour!) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1PJix23IeF8 turned into Nudge Nudge (Know what I mean…say no more!) Watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ona-RhLfRfc

 

Pet shop turned into Cheese shop (they are both shops after all) and there was an enormous dead blue parrot outside. Watch here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npjOSLCR2hE

 Mr Anchovy wants to be a lion tamer segued beautifully into the Lumberjack song. There was this brilliant moment where the conversation went like this:

Mr Anchovy: I never wanted to be a lion tamer…I wanted to be a---

HUGE anticipatory laugh from audience. We all know what is coming next.
At least we thought we did.
Mr Anchovy: I wanted to be…a systems analyst.

 Wild applause from the audience. Which then turned into the song we all love. Incidentally, I can also play this on the ukulele.

Lumberjack song here:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zey8567bcg

 There were so many old favourites…My theory about brontosaurus’ by Anne Elk, Blackmail, Spam and Finland, Crunchy frog, argument clinic, the penguin on your telly is about to explode, Gumby flower arranging, Every Sperm is Sacred from Meaning of Life and so much more. There were animations (old and new), film footage from the show featuring Graham Chapman (the dead one who sadly couldn’t make it on account of being dead)  and my all time favourite clip from the show was featured--the Batley Townswomen's Guild re-enacting the battle of Pearl Harbour. Watch it here and be ready to cry with laughter. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcSMaNlcDPs

But the end (which came all too soon) was the cleverly titled spontaneous encore-- a big sing along to Always Look on the Bright Side of Life from Life of Brian. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHPOzQzk9Qo

After rapturous applause and standing ovations and much cheering, a sign appeared on the screens on the stage.

 

PISS OFF.

So we did. With 15,000 other people who also wanted to take the tube home.

 

It was a long wait.

When we finally did get to the Tube station, the train driver made a very funny announcement.

 Ladies and gentlemen, those with a keen sense of smell will be able to smell the stink of jealousy coming from the cabin. I really wanted to go and see my heroes Monty Python on their last night of the tour, but instead I’m here just driving you all home. Sigh……

Which is why, when we got home at nearly 2am I could say:

My....brain....hurts!

 

 

 

 

 

Half past Sylvester McCoy

Did you get that? That’s how you tell the time on my new Doctor Who clock. It simply means 7:30 because Sylvester McCoy was the seventh Doctor. Or to be even more complicated try this:

 

Pertwee past Tom Baker

Give up? 4:15 because Jon Pertwee was the third Doctor (5, 10, 15 past) and Tom Baker the fourth.

 

Confused? Don’t worry about it. Those of us who proudly hold our Geek banner high will pick up the slack for you. We gave my mum a crash course on the History of Who while she was here so now she can follow our conversations.

If you want to make you own clock this is what you need to do.

1) Buy an inexpensive clock.

 

2) Carefully take your clock apart. (for me this involved unscrewing the back--save your screws in a wee cup! Then carefully removing the hands of the clock)

 

3) Find head shots of all twelve Doctors  on GOOGLE image or whatever browser you use (yes, I’m going with twelve. I know the 50^th anniversary film showed John Hurt, but he was only there for the Time War and so was more like 8.5. So sue me.) Size them so they will fit correctly on your clock without overlapping and then print on thin white card.

 

4) Find the Seal of Rassilon  on the internet and size it for the centre of the clock and a really teeny tiny TARDIS  for the hour hand.   Print on thin white card.

5) Carefully take the paper face off the clock and trace it onto white poster board or other thin card. Don’t forget to cut the hole for the hands to poke through.

 

6) Cut out your Doctor heads, Seal of Rassilon and TARDIS and lay out to check everything looks hunky dory. Glue down. I used white glue thinned with water for the heads and seal but hot glue to stick the TARDIS on the hour hand. Stick it back in the clock.

 7)Put the whole thing back together. This involves putting the hands back on, putting the battery in to make sure it works, setting the time and then sandwiching it all back in reverse order and screwing it closed.

 

That’s it! I did it over a couple of days to let all the glue dry properly, but I did it all by myself so even if you feel mechanically inept, it can be done. I am the proof.

 

Now go and make one yourself.