We Are All a Part of the Neverending Story

 Today was another adventure. A quest, if you will. I went to Swansea to see the film The Neverending Story on the 40^th anniversary of its release.

This was an adventure for me because it involved travel and planning. It would not have been possible a year ago. But it is possible now because I am growing and changing and learning independence. Two years ago, the Vue Cinema in Swansea was showing Matthew Bourne’s spectacular version of The Nutcracker in December, and I was DESPERATE to go but I could not conceive of any way to get there. Swansea might as well have been the moon. It felt like the most impossible task. Thankfully my friend Jo stepped up and offered me a lift and I got to go, but I remember being so lost and confused as we walked from the restaurant to the cinema. But then there at the cinema I made my first connection that became the spark of independence for me—I recognized where we were. I had been there before. I could see the Crunchie Bridge and the arena where I had gone to Comic Con in April. I recognized the multi-story carpark that my friend Helen parked in when she picked me up to go to Comic Con. I had just found my first landmark. And so today I used that same landmark as a homing beacon—I confidently walked toward the arena and found the cinema. I even had to time to scout out the location of the hotel I booked to stay in in February when I go see Bowling for Soup and Wheatus. Yup, another adventure to look forward to.

 Now onto the film.

First off, I would like to say that I expected it to be heaving with people as it is summer hols and kids are out of school. I also expected a large population of aging geeks like myself there for the nostalgia factor. Well, there was one of each—a dad about my age and his son. And that’s it.  Also, they shared a popcorn and left half of it (who leaves half of a popcorn that costs an outrageous £6.50??? I had mine nearly eaten by the time the adverts and trailers were done. I wasn’t wasting £6.50 worth of popcorn, My mama didn’t raise no fool.) Sorry, I digress.

 Onto the film.

It was just as good as I remember as the effects—a terrific mix of puppets and animatronics and forced perspective—really held up. Give me practical effects instead of CGI any day. Also did you know that Falkor the Luck Dragon, the Rockbiter, G’mork the evil beast of darkness and the narrator were all voiced by Alan Oppenheimer? He was also the voice of Skeletor from He-Man!! And in the scene in the bookshop where Bastian steals the magic book the grumpy shopkeeper mentions both The Wizard of Oz and the giant squid attacking the Nautilus from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea both which have featured heavily in my life recently.

But the main thing I want to talk about is how I viewed this film through the lens of grief.

The obvious bit to talk about (and the bit that traumatized us all as kids) is Artax in the Swamps of Sadness. The line that really struck me was the line Bastian reads from the book:

Everyone knew that whoever let the sadness overtake him would sink into the swamp.

I think about this a lot. Those early days after Spiderman shuffled off this mortal coil were like drowning in treacle. There were months that I was barely keeping my head above water. It hurt to breathe, and I sincerely just wanted to stop taking in oxygen if it meant that the pain would disappear. But like Atreyu said to Artax: I understand, it’s too difficult for you. People acknowledged my pain (though a few unhelpful arseholes suggested I should be “over it” by now) and when I could no longer bear the weight of grief, I was so lucky that friends and customers and the lovely Welsh community lifted me up like Falkor and cleaned me up and tended my wounds.

It made me really think today because I have lived in the depths of despair, it is very easy to give up like Artax. It takes far more effort to stay and fight and live. And like Atreyu, having lost my faithful companion I know I must still go on my quest. I must still do what I have been called to do—save my corner of the world through Love and Light and not let Darkness prevail. Fantasia still needs me.

When the Rockbiter has that heart-breaking speech, I really felt that.

They look like big, good, strong hands. Don't they? I always thought that's what they were. My little friends. The little man with his racing snail, the Nighthob, even the stupid bat. I couldn't hold on to them. The nothing pulled them right out of my hands. I failed.

I still carry a lot of guilt that I didn’t see that Spiderman was so ill. Maybe we could have saved him if he just spoken up and told me how bad he felt. The Nothing really did pull him right out of my hands.

I was also struck by the line by Urgl (Engywook’s wife) when she had brewed the healing potion full of nasty bits for Atreyu. She asks him if he is still in pain. He replies that it still hurts a little, but it’s alright. Then she said something that really spoke to me:

It has to hurt if it’s to heal.

Grief hurts. It rips at your heart like G’mork’s fangs. But pain is how we know we are still here. Pain is how we know we have lost something precious. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. Pain lets us know we are still alive. When you cease to feel then you cease to live. My pain was so great because my love was so great. And as awful as it is, you have to go through it. You endure the suffering and the despair, and you keep moving forward through the Swamps of Sadness. That is how you survive. I will always have a dark hole in the centre of my heart, but I am building layers of Light around it to cushion the sharp scratch of grief.  Those people who are the most successful after their spouse dies are the ones that keep moving, keep questing. If you stand still and only dwell on the great injustice of your loss then you risk forgetting what that person stood for, their hopes and dreams. If you can only look backwards then you cannot see how to bring their Light forward, how to continue their hopes and dreams. How to make the world better in their name and carry on their goodness. If you stay in the past, then you will die. I mean, we all will physically die. But your heart will die if you lose hope.

When Spiderman died the world was full of THE NOTHING. Everything looked grey and hazy and had no meaning. All joy was gone.

Atreyu: But why is Fantasia dying, then?

G'mork: Because people have begun to lose their hopes and forget their dreams. So the Nothing grows stronger.

Atreyu: What is the Nothing?

G'mork: It's the emptiness that's left. It's like a despair, destroying this world.

And so, I have made the decision to not let the emptiness destroy me. That I will not lose hope. I will not forget our dreams. I will not let the Nothing engulf me. I will choose to rebuild Fantasia. I will choose to build a good life. I will bring the memory of the past forward and continue questing. I will keep his memory alive and like Bastian I will make many other wishes and have many other amazing adventures before I leave this world . . . But that's another story.

Happiness is Out There

 Hello lovelies! This is the year I am learning to do so many things. After my amazing Doctor Wholiday in Weston-super-Mare where I took my first independent trip since Spiderman died (read about it HERE) I was ready to be brave again and do another thing that we loved, namely to go see our favourite comedy band Jonny & the Baptists in Bristol. This involved expanding my repertoire of new skills that I have had to acquire after the untimely death of the Amazing Spiderman, but I was ready.

Spiderman and I have been fans of Jonny & the Baptists since their earliest days. We were buying merch from them before they set up a dedicated PayPal account and were a bit shambolic posting us something with slightly less postage than it needed and then apologising profusely because they were not very organised. Their hearts were always in the right place and their music funny but with a message.

Every tour they did of the UK, we went.  Every time they did a Kickstarter campaign to raise money for another album, we were backers. When they started a Patreon account we were one of the first sponsors. 

When people ask me about them I like to say that their music is like if satirical political Private Eye magazine was set to music. Their music has looked at serious issues within the conservative government poking fun but also raising awareness. They had a whole album and subsequent tour called Stop UKIP. They are unashamedly left wing socialists but also decent human beings. 

 In later years their albums begin to touch on mental health, dealing with quite serious issues in a light-hearted way but with an underpinning on how serious depression has been for both Jonny and Paddy. Particularly Paddy who had a full-on breakdown in  2020 and is still recovering and the fact that they were both marked emotionally by losing a parent before the age of ten. 

 On his death bed Spiderman made me promise I would always support them on Patreon. I am so glad that i have been able to keep that promise. Their music, their podcasts with frank talks about depression and anxiety have really helped with my grief. They are worth supporting.

 When I saw that they were touring again I knew I had to go. My life is sharply divided into Before and After the death of my Best Beloved. But I am trying so hard to carry on the things that we loved so that a bit of Spiderman comes with me wherever I go since we are separated on two planes of existence until I die and we can be reunited. 

 I checked the tour itinerary and found that they were playing in Bristol which is about 3.5 hours away by train. I used my new found Google Maps skills to locate really nice Hotel with a kitchenette right around the corner from the oddly named arts centre the Tobacco Factory Theatre where they would be playing. I used my new found confidence to navigate the train, a taxi, and then unfamiliar set of keys (for someone who loves Locke and Key so much I can be rubbish at opening doors). I learned the new skill of phoning and booking a taxi. This sounds like the sort of things that normal people do all the time but for me with sometimes crippling anxiety, they were a huge milestone. More on this in my next post. 

I brought a framed photo of my Best Beloved  like I did when I went on Wholiday which I think I will do at every new experience that he would have loved so that I can bring him with me because I don't want him to miss out on things. Also I need his loving spirit with me to help me be brave as I navigate doing things on my own.

 Now on to the show. The first half was made even funnier by these ridiculously ill-fitting boiler suits.

 

I could not have asked for a better show at this particular time in my life. The first half of the show was less music and more talk, with some planned but also some clearly improvised skits about tracing Paddy's decline in mental health as it paralleled the state of the nation with each different prime minister. They are so good at capturing the reality of how ridiculous it is that we are so hard on ourselves. Songs like Never Too Late really illustrate all the ways we sabotage ourselves with the opening lines:

Happiness is out there, but out there is very big. 

You've never been good at finding things, you once got lost in a Boots. 

(for my American peeps, that is like getting lost in a Walgreens)

 Which really resonates with me if you remember THIS POST about my extreme lack of a sense of direction. The song also contains phrases like It's never too late to give up (I have this on a fridge magnet) and so many other negative self talk phrases that run through my head. They manage to deal with this sense of self loathing and sabotage so well, in a humorous way. Spiderman was always very good at gently poking fun when i was in an anxiety spiral which made me laugh and showed me how ridiculously flawed my perception of reality was. Their songs and hilarious banter had me laughing until I cried.

 At the end of the first half Jonny was wearing a dress and standing on a chair pretending to be Paddy's dead Scottish mother to help give him some closure from the trauma of being six years old and losing your mother to ovarian cancer. There was lots of of bad "Och, aye Paddy!" which were hilarious and then it made a sharp turn in Jonny telling Paddy in the guise of his mother this message:

 I am so proud of you. I have watched you grow up and you are so kind and so gentle in a world that does not give that back to you. I am so proud of who you have become and i love you very much.

 And suddenly it wasn't Jonny pretending to be Paddy's mother but the Amazing Spiderman talking to me and I cried for real. Because I really needed to hear that. 

 The second half of the show was more like a regular gig, with Paddy on guitar. They sang so many of my favourite songs that I was squealing with joy. To be honest, they are all my favourites from the silly Cocaine Gran which includes my favourite line You used to love your church choir til you punched Ethel in the tits and Isaac from the perspective of a nine year old boy talking about what he did on his summer holidays in which the chorus is I was sitting on the top of a mountain all tied up and waiting for my father to kill me as a sacrifice. There are a lot of songs about the nature of God and Biblical themes with Jonny & the Baptists. 

 All too soon the gig was over. One of my favourite songs Capitalism which is a scathing look at the audience as capitalists which begins You're either against capitalism or you're for the end of the world and the tickets tonight were £14. So we know what side you're on and ends with At the end of the show we have merch.

 They did indeed have merch for sale but i literally own every single thing they sell: the t-shirt, the set of badges, a fridge magnet, the terrible calendar (by their own omission), the Jonny & the Baptists Detective Agency tote bag and every album on both CD and Bandcamp so i just gave them a donation. 

 I had a chance to speak briefly with Jonny afterwards and give them a card i had made telling them how much they meant to us and how they continue to help me deal with my grief. I showed him my photo of Spiderman and he remembered when i wrote to them via Patreon after he died. He was very touched that I brought his photo so he could still be a part of something we loved and he hugged me. This meant so much that he remembered me writing to them. This is why I support them. They make me laugh, they make me cry (in a good way) and they feel like friends because I have followed their journey since they began. 

The one thing that also makes their shows different is the obvious affection between Jonny and Paddy. it is so clear by their interactions and the way that they make each other laugh that they love each other. This has been an ongoing thing in the podcast Making Paddy Happy (now called Happiness is Out There) that was set up to talk about things men don't talk about like mental health particularly "Man up" and all that ridiculous, harmful nonsense or how much you can love a friend of the same gender and it is not "gay" to tell them. 

It was an amazing mini break and I moved throughout the world negotiating things like delayed trains and change of platform like a champ. Spiderman would indeed be proud. 

 And if you would like to support them on Patreon you can do it here: 

 https://www.patreon.com/jonnyandthebaptists

The wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey WHOLIDAY

 Hello Lovelies!

This is part three of my adventurous week. The part you’ve all been waiting for—the WHOLIDAY.

I should first like to say that just as I mentioned HERE in my first post, I was surrounded by angels.

I had a little trouble figuring out which train to catch as the app just offered too many choices, so back in December I went along to the train station and got advice from a friendly employee who helped me choose the best trains to catch. Her advice: never change in Newport as you have to go over a sky bridge to change platforms. Um, no thank you. Always change in Cardiff was her motto and she helpfully printed off a list of all the trains to take on my trip there and return and highlighted the Cardiff ones. Right. Transportation sorted, now onto Accommodation.

 Using the app Booking.com I was able to find a beautiful Georgian hotel that was a seven-minute walk to the museum and was on the seafront. I got a discount for booking on my phone and my room was beautiful. The view from the outside:

The view from inside:

My plan had been to arrive at the station at about 1:30pm, take a taxi to the hotel to check in around 2pm. That was the plan. But there were no taxis in the taxi rank and I was advised to take the bus. Now you may remember my severe bus anxiety from this post about having to the take the bus to go get a mammogram HERE so I honestly wasn't sure if I could cope. I really struggle if plans have to change at the last minute and this was a big change. But the very helpful lady at the station told me I could absolutely do it. She said i would know where to get off. When I saw the pier on my left, look to the right and my hotel would be visible. And she was correct. it was MASSIVE. It was so big it seemed like you might be able to view it from space. What a relief!

I got checked in, unpacked and then used my map reading confidence to go to the Tesco Express and get some picky bits for my tea that night. Then i decided to go to the cinema.

At the end of the High Street was a Cineworld which was HUGE compared to our local VUE. It was easy to get to get and I had time before the film so I pottered around the shops on my way. I decided to go see the film Poor Things because I loved the film The Favourite (also directed by Yorgos Lanthimos). This film was funny and surreal with lush costumes and loads of sex as reanimated from the dead Bella Baxter discovers the world with no preconceived notions of what is expected. It was very arty-farty and I bloody loved it. 

The film was very long (it started at 4:20pm and got out after 7pm.) I was a bit worried walking back down the High Street after dark as there were groups of youths all drinking and shouting. But then I twigged what they were shouting about and I felt safe.

Drunk youth one: There is loads of beautiful architecture here.

Drunk youth two: That's what I'm saying. Georgian architecture! Look at those cornices!

Drunk youth one: But nobody ever looks up to see it. They just look at Caffe Bloody Nero or fecking Poundland which have no SOUL and never look up to see the beautiful Georgian architecture above it

Drunk youth two: What a fecking waste.

I was a bit worried as things look different after dark and I was concerned I might not be able to find my hotel, but i needn't have. It was lit up like a beacon making it very easy to spot. 

The next day, bright and early, I went to the Weston Museum with a quick detour to the soulless Caffe Nero to get a hot chocolate (making sure to glance up and admire the cornices.) I wore my k-9 skirt (of course I did!) and the first thing I did was have my photo made with a Cyberman (as you do.) I also brought my framed photo of Spiderman as he asked me to. 

The museum's website has this to say about the exhibit (which has been so popular, it has been extended until April)

Allons-y, time travellers and art aficionados! Weston Museum is all set to take you on a nostalgia-filled ride with “Adventures in Time and Space – 60 Years of Doctor Who Art.” Celebrating the show’s whopping six decades of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey greatness in November 2023. This exhibition promises to be a treat for all those who’ve shared an adventure with the Doctor.

Hold onto your sonic screwdrivers as we journey back to the roots of the longest-running Sci-Fi extravaganza known to humanity. From the classic era that graced our screens from 1963 to 1989, to the modern reboot that’s been stealing our hearts since 2005, this exhibition is a heartwarming journey for Whovians of all generations.

This is the largest collection of original and digital art from and about the programme ever shown in one location.

Expect to be greeted by the images of familiar faces of the Doctors we’ve cherished through the years – from the stern charm of William Hartnell to the iconic scarf-swirling of Tom Baker, the cheeky charm of David Tennant, the ground-breaking brilliance of Jodie Whittaker, and with the excitement of the new Ncuti Gatwa. And of course, it wouldn’t be a Doctor Who affair without our favourite villains – the Daleks, Cybermen, and a host of creatures that have given the Doctor a run for their money across time and space.

The exhibition unfolds like the pages of a well-worn book, displaying iconic book covers, a blast from the past with those VHS video covers we all remember (oh, the nostalgia!), annuals, comics, and graphic novels that have kept us hooked. To add a sprinkle of that quintessential Doctor Who magic, there’s even a painting that made its debut on the show itself.

We’ve dived into the TARDIS of artistic archives, rounding up an exceptional collection from private art collectors and dedicated fans who’ve lovingly held onto these visual treasures. Marvel at the original cover art of the very first Doctor Who Annual from way back in 1965 – the colours as vivid as a freshly regenerated Time Lord. We’ve joined forces with Doctor Who’s very own artistic time-travellers, securing their prized works from their dusty vaults and bringing them to life with high-resolution digital wizardry.

‘Don’t blink’ for an expedition that transcends time and space, as we celebrate the legacy of Doctor Who through a captivating display of artistry.

 Here are the highlights--my favourite paintings for each Doctor, their enemies and companions.

And my all time favourite thing in the exhibit--Tom Baker PANTS!

I was pretty worn out after the museum so I went back to the hotel for a nap and then out to the nearby Wetherspoons for a meal that night. In between the nap and the meal i did a practice walk to make sure I could find the train station the next day and I absolutely could. 

The next day i had time to stop again for a hot chocolate on my way to the station to catch a 10:40am train back to Wales. Weather was a bit grim--snow and ice--so there was a delay in Cardiff but I got home by 4pm and collapsed in a heap.

For the next two nights I slept about 12 hours each night, so clearly it exhausted me. But I had done it. I had planned and executed a fantastic adventure in time and space all my myself and it has been a success. 

This will open up so many more opportunities for further adventures as I am no longer afraid of doing this alone. 

Do I wish Spiderman was with me? Of course I do. But I have come to understand that I am like a Time Lord--I have two hearts, mine and his, and I will carry them both together until we meet again. 

Allons y! 

My favourite number is SIX

Hello Lovelies!

If you want to read all about my difficulties navigating and how I overcame them, you can read about it HERE but if you want to know what I did on the first part of my winter holiday then read on. 

 This holiday was split into two events--SIX on Sunday and the Wholiday on Tuesday to Thursday, so here is part one of the brilliant week I had. 

About four months ago, I saw an advert on Facebook that the musical SIX all about the wives of Henry VIII was coming to the Swansea Arena in January. I impulsively bought a ticket and decided that 2024 was the year that I would just figure out how get places.  I imagined that this would be my one brave act of the year because I really wanted to go see this musical as I have been hyper focused on the songs and obsessed (obsessed I tell you!) with the costume design. Then suddenly the Amazing Spiderman appeared to me in a dream and told me that I also needed to go to Weston-Super-Mare and the only time I could get time off work was the very same week as SIX. So, this was really happening.

 

If you are not familiar with SIX, then this is what you need to know. All six wives of Henry VIII are upset because all anyone ever knows about them are the words: DIVORCED, BEHEADED, DIED, DIVORCED, BEHEADED, SURVIVED.  At first, they are in competition with each other to try to be the one who had it the worst, but then they realise their lives were so much more than just their relationship to one terrible and powerful man. Themes relating to the idea of female beauty as well as the grooming of young girls and then slut shaming them make this a powerful feminist show.

 Each queen sings in the style of famous pop stars. Wikipedia says:

Catherine of Aragon: is modelled after a mixture of Beyoncé, Jennifer Lopez, and Jennifer Hudson

Anne Boleyn: includes elements of Miley Cyrus, Avril Lavigne, and Lily Allen

Jane Seymour: is reminiscent of Adele, Sia, and Celine Dion.

Anna of Cleves: includes elements of Nicki Minaj and Rihanna.

Katherine Howard: is a blend of young, sexualized pop stars and includes elements of Britney Spears and Ariana Grande.

Catherine Parr: inspired by Alicia Keys and Emeli Sandé.

 

And have I mentioned the spectacular costumes? These costumes combine elements of Tudor fashion (and architecture in the case of Jane Seymour) with a modern glittery disco aesthetic and I am here for it.

If you want to hear the first song Ex Wives just to give you a flavour, watch the video below:

I learned many things about navigation that day, arriving in Swansea 3 hours and 49 minutes before the show, but this practice made Weston-Super-Mare so much easier.  

I broke the journey down into two parts as it was a longer, more complicated walk from the station to the arena. I stopped half way there to eat lunch at the Slug and Lettuce. Isn't this the most perfect looking exterior for a trip to see a Tudor musical? 

I had allowed so much time I actually got to walk it all the way there, turn around and walk all the way back (very good practice as i do not reverse very well at all and things never look the same going the other way) and then walk back to the arena with more confidence and I still had an hour and a half before the show. 

I treated myself to not one but two programmes

and I bought a sparkly pin badge for my backpack of the Anne Boleyn costumes shown here under a spider, sandwiched between Oz and Cthulhu and above Locke and Key because that's how I roll, baby.

But how was the show, I hear you ask. BRILLIANT. I thought my heart might explode in a shower of gold glitter during the first song and it only got better from there. 

And me being me, I helped my elderly seatmate who had some vertigo (we were on the dead centre of Row X) and we became friends and she has come by the bookshop to say hello and let me help her pick out some Horrible Histories books for her grandkids. 

I have listened to the soundtrack nonstop since I went to see it and there are so many bits that I didn't get before but now have a deeper appreciation for. 

Would I see it again? You betcha. 

And this day of navigating in a bigger city with more complicated streets really set me up for success in Weston-Super-Mare. Also, i realised that the VUE Cinema was right near the arena so if ever something really good is coming to Swansea and not to Carmarthen then I will be able to find my way there and back so that opens the door for future adventures. 

Hoorah and lashings of ginger beer! 

Stay tuned for part three of the WHOLIDAY! 

Peep Peep! The making of a Very Useful Engine

 Hello lovelies! It was Thomas the Tank Engine Day at work today. Many people have asked how I made the costume so I will try to give you a little story of how I did it.

This was one not primarily sourced from charity shops. I had to custom sew it to get the effects I wanted. 

Things I bought or sourced from my fabric stash for the shirt and wheels:

·         A long sleeve blue shirt (I love these Fruit of the Loom shirts. I have lots in various colours. They are a decent price, come in lots of colours and I know what size I need)

·         A silver table runner I bought for £1 at the YMCA

·         Some red poly cotton fabric

·         Black, white, royal blue and yellow felt

I also used lots and lots and lots of Bonda-Web. If you don’t know what this miracle stuff is, it is double sided iron on interfacing. You iron it on the back of your fabric, cut out the shape you want, peel off the paper, then iron your design onto the other bit of fabric (in my case the shirt), then stitch over it. In my experience, Bonda-Web needs top stitching because it will eventually unpeel but is great for holding fiddly designs down without pins so they don’t shift as you try to sew.

I just made stencils for every part of the design then Bonda-Webbed them to the shirt (both front and back)

Then I either machine sewed (the red stripe, the silver stripe, Thomas’s head and body and the number in the box on the back) or hand sewed (the yellow window circles, his eyes, mouth and eyebrows, his accessories at the bottom) them to the shirt. To make his nose 3D I made a circle, sewed around it with a gathered stitch and pulled the circle shut after stuffing it with polyfill fluff. Then I thought my nose was too small so I did it again with a slightly larger circle and stuffed it with fluff as well as the previous too small nose. Then I sewed it by hand to the shirt.

I drew his smile lines with a sharpie. What colour sharpie, you ask? Well, that’s up for debate. I had a grey and a silver. I used the silver on one side, then stopped to make something for my tea, came back and picked up the grey one by accident and then, oh no! The smile lines did not match! After a moment of panic, I carefully traced over the grey line with the silver and then carefully traced over the silver line with grey. Phew! Crisis averted!

I didn’t make the red and silver stripes go all the way to the side seams. I would like to tell you this was because I had anticipated that attaching a non-stretch fabric to a stretchy one would necessitate making a little slit on each side for ease of movement but really I am just crap at measuring and made them a bit too short then couldn’t get it over my hips so had to cut a slit and was thankful I had made a measuring mistake so all’s well that ends well.

To make the ankle wheels I cut out a wheel template in blue and hand stitched it to a black circle while watching Horrible Histories. Then I made some wrapping straps which I sewed to another black circle. Then I pinned and re-pinned on my leg to get a cuff that fit my leg.

Then I sewed Velcro on and made some adjustments—I needed a little dart on one side and a corner clipped but now they fit my leg perfectly.

Then I hand sewed the circle on the leg band to the wheel circle and inserted a slightly smaller circle of cardboard (gold carboard in this case as it is what I had used to spray paint my Medusa crown).

View from the top:

Then on to the hat. The steam coming out has impressed a lot of folks so how did I do it?

I bought:

A stovepipe hat (taller than a top hat) and some invisible hairnets like a dinner lady might wear.

Then I carefully stuffed polyfill fluff into a hairnet and sewed it closed then attached it to a piece of felt. Then I hot glued the felt to the top of the hat. I kept filling hairnets with fluff and using hot glue and tiny stitches to hold them together.

I am very pleased with how it came out. The only slight drawback is I don’t think the shirt cannot be washed. But having spent time in the theatre I know you can just spray it with a bit of Dettol or Lysol and call it square.

What will I make next? Stay tuned!

2021 Vision

 Hello lovelies! Happy new year! 2020 was rollercoaster year, wasn't it? But it did allow me to see some things clearly:

1. I need routine. And it is hard to impose it on myself, but I must try harder especially as we are yet again in lockdown. 

2. I love my job. I mean I REALLY love my job. I miss it when I can't go to work. I am more productive and happier when I have been at work. I have a really good work-life balance and like to be having both halves of work and life. 

3. I am recharged by interacting with people. I knew this before, but I REALLY learned it over the big lockdown. The Amazing Spiderman is perfectly happy working from home as people drain him, but I was like a flat battery for months. I don't ever want to go out in big noisy groups in crowded spaces (not even before COVID) but I really thrive on some one on one conversations. I like meeting a friend for a hot chocolate in an independent café or going for a picnic in the park to save money. I also really enjoy interacting with customers. We have lots of regulars who pop in regularly (that is the definition of a regular, Spidergrrl!) that I look forward to seeing. Interacting with customers and being helpful is a huge part of my happiness. 

4. I have some control issues. Quite a lot of control issues, and this year has been out of control which has been really hard to cope with. This also ties in with routine because  with Spiderman working from home I could not keep to the routine I liked and found it very hard to take his suggestion to "please just do that some other time." 

5. I have trouble accepting help. I am often out helping people while my battery is on low (another issue I am continually working on) but find it harder to allow someone to help me. My dear old dad once said to me, "Why are you making things harder for yourself?" to which I replied "But it is so much easier to make things difficult!" by which I meant it is so much easier to do it myself that to ask for help. More on this in a bit. 

6. I am not good at sharing. I need my own computer. This was a serious issue during the big lockdown. I am a writer. Blogging takes up a lot of time and research and I am an author who needs to work on her own stories. This was a HUGE issue between myself and the Amazing Spiderman over the big lockdown. I was like Vesuvius waiting to erupt, always boiling and seething under the surface as we both needed to be on the computer at the same time but in the rock/paper/scissors of life--work trumps personal reasons. We have solved this by investing in a second laptop and it has CHANGED MY LIFE. I have written more in the last two months than in the whole rest of the year. 

7. I need more creative outlets. This too was a struggle during the big lockdown when I couldn't go to work.  I started to think about what made me happy and what I missed from my life in England when I worked in a school. There was lots of time for laying about ruminating on what I enjoy that I was not allowed to do while I waited (im)patiently for my turn on the computer. Once I determined what it was, I made damn sure to start doing it the moment I got back to work. More on this later. 

Having gained some extraordinary insight into myself in 2020, I wanted to reflect that in my Vision Board.

What is a Vision Board, I hear you cry? Well, it is part woowoo, part arts and crafts. I like to really think on new year's day what I want to do in the upcoming year and who I want to be (striving always to be a better person). It is not about new year's resolutions--which are easily broken--but just some personal growth goals and a reminder of what makes me happy. By making a tangible reminder of what brings me joy, I can make sure to do it. I then hang it in a prominent place in my craft room and look at it every morning to remind me of what it is important. 

Want to see it? Of course you do.

So what am I doing this year? In no particular order:

1. Being vegan--this is the core of my values. Does it cause death and suffering? Then it is to be avoided. Does it bring life and kindness? Then it is to be celebrated. Compassion is so much better than cruelty. 

2. What am I doing in the world to make it better? Making sure to look for opportunities to make a difference in the world. This has been more important in lockdown....how can help others (making sure that what I choose to do energises me rather than depletes me--setting boundaries.) 

3. I am the chief cook in our house, but this was not always so. When we were first married and I was a full time student and then a full time teacher with a terrible work-life balance, Spiderman did all our cooking. When I wanted to become vegan I learned how to cook (and cook well!) Spiderman is a great cook. he is just much slower than me. I swear the man gets a ruler out when he chops potatoes as they are all identically sized! Since I am often tired from work, he has offered many times to share the burden of cooking. I do not take him up on it nearly as often as I should and then feel resentful as I am tired or my back hurts and it is me doing it. We had a long talk about this and I am going to work harder to relinquish some control in the kitchen. So in 2021, we will be taking turns more. We also will be cooking together more. I can do food prep MUCH faster while we chat about our days and then I can bugger off and do some yoga or have a nap while he does the cooking. Also, I want to make sure to do more advance food prep to make cooking for whoever's turn it is, easier. 

4. Keeping to a loose routine especially in times of lockdown. I don't have to do EVERYTHING in a day, but it would be nice to tick a few things off my enjoyment list (see below) every day. Also writing down a few things in my 2021 diary that I would like to accomplish (or need to be done--I cannot tell you the amount of times I have realised at midnight that something needed to be done for the morning.)  Better organisation and loose routine (especially in lockdown) but also for when I am working to use my time more wisely. 

5. Doing things that bring me joy--making crafts and creating art, reading (and discussing--this year Spiderman will be a judge for the Carnegie and Greenaway awards and so we will get upwards of a hundred books to read and talk about...I made us our own little book club symbol!), making films with my new stop motion animation app. These are all things I am doing for me...but there are several things I do at home that bring me joy that involve work. Sewing fancy dress costumes to wear at the Bookshop (after the big lockdown I have gone to work dressed as Hercule Poirot, the witch from Narnia and a Christmas elf) as well as storytelling. I realised how much I missed storytelling--the research of finding a story that feels right in my mouth, adapting it, memorising it, making costumes or props for it, performing it. Right now it is not possible to have children in the shop for an actual audience but we have gotten round this by having my faithful camera crew Spiderman film me telling tales. Which leads me neatly on to my next intention.

6. DIY. I used to be such a luddite--I only got my first smartphone in 2017 and I always feel like I am behind on technology but this year I taught myself to build a website because some friends with an animal sanctuary needed help. I also taught myself to use video editing software so that we could put up films of my storytelling on the the Goldstone Books YouTube Channel. I used to think that I was not smart enough to do "computer things" but it turns out I was wrong. So this year, with my new laptop that I don't have to share, I am finally working on a project that has been on hold since 2016--turning my epistolary novel into a graphic novel. Yes, I will be teaching myself how to illustrate online by using my my new tech skills to tell my story. Then we will publish my second book! Hoorah! 

7. Coming out of the big lockdown (but still in cautious mode) I was reminded who was in my tribe and who I enjoyed spending time with and who I hadn't missed at all. There are several people I let fade away because they drained me and several people I made an active effort to spent (socially distanced) time with because they energised me. Even now, in our third lockdown, I am making time to have phone calls and texts with people I care about (or send make and send a card if they are struggling) and that connection is keeping my going. 

8. The lockdowns put such a strain on small businesses and several independent vegan businesses have had to close. I work for an independent bookshop and I am all too aware of the national chain right down the road who can sell at a bigger discount than we can. I tried last year to support more small businesses (especially ones that help us cut our waste) and this year I will try even harder. We just booked in an order with Cegin Mam Gu for a three course Greek meal that is vegan and GF and delivered to our door which I am very much  looking forward to since we can't go out for a meal. Which leads me to my next point.

9. Drink more tea. This ticks the box of supporting Tea Traders ( a great independent business in town run by two lovely blokes which sells loose tea) as well as keeping me hydrated. Fruit tea is good hot or cold and I am guaranteed to have less pain and be less cranky if I am drinking some delicious tea.  

10. The self care checklist. Even just 15 minutes a day makes all the difference in my physical and emotional wellbeing. Yoga and strength training for my body (I have let my ab work go this year and I feel it in my lower back), deep breathing and mindfulness (I tend towards hyperventilating and overthinking), more orgasms (they are truly the best pain relief and mood booster I know) and a 15 minute tidy every day instead of letting things pile up until it takes hours to put everything back where it belongs will save my sanity. 

11. Patience. About everything.  Enough said.  

What did you learn about yourself in 2020? What do you hope to do with your life in 2021?