It Takes a Village...

...to raise a Spidergrrl.

Hello lovelies! What an adventure I have had. Anyone who has read my book The Wanting Comes in Waves will know that the last good thing the Amazing Spiderman did for me before he got sick and died was take me to get a mammogram in Pensarn. Well, it is that time again because it has been a little over two years.

This has thrown up lots of issues for me:

• Grief over the fact that I have to do it alone this time (and the memory of what came after the last time)
• Anxiety of all the related things that go with it like how to get there by bus (which bus do I have to get, where does it pick up? How much does it cost? How will i know where to get off?)
• Once I am there the worry that they will find something because many women in my family have had breast cancer
• Then the journey home: where does the bus pick you up to take you home because it is never the same place it dropped you off

The last time all I had to worry about was the actual worry that I might get a diagnosis of breast cancer because Spiderman found the bus times, got us on the bus, got me to the mobile unit in the Morrisons car park and got us on the right bus to come home. 

I just kept thinking, How can I do this alone? 

Several people said  Oh, you can walk to Morrisons! it takes about 15 minutes. it's easy! you just have to do things like:

go OVER a bridge

go UNDER an underpass

go THROUGH a tunnel

and then it just became a list of prepositions and that was even worse than trying to figure out the bus. I think these people have seriously underestimated just how lost I can get. The bus is stressful, but walking it blindly through Preposition Land is terrifying. maybe if i had  time to do a practice walk with a friend like Spiderman used to do with me, but not without having a go a few times before the actual day. I will take my chances with the bus. 

I know it seems silly. I am a grown-ass woman. I should be able to do this. But i really struggle with reading a bus timetable. How can I figure out what bus i need if the timetable looks like this? 

Seriously. It might as well be written in Chinese because I cannot make heads of tails of it. 

I have just been talking and talking to Spiderman asking for his help from beyond the grave to help me figure out how in the hell I can do this without him. 

And he came through. He sent me ALL THE ANGELS.  I mean, seriously. There were angels every step of the way. 

First, I had no idea what bus to catch. How do you find that out if you can't read the bus timetable? 

FIRST TWO ANGELS: My colleague Paul at work remembered that one of our regular customers Chas takes the bus that passes Morrisons. He emailed Chas for me and asked what bus he took. Chas confirmed that i need the X11. He told me where he catches the bus and it was outside my favourite YMCA charity shop. Chas came by the shop the next day and talked me through it in person as he knew i was anxious about transport issues. 

ANGEL NUMBER THREE: I now knew my bus number and where to catch the bus, but how would I know the bus times? My dear friend and neighbour Sian and I went out for a cuppa before work and I mentioned my predicament. She told me all about the TRAVELINE CYMRU app which lets you plug in where you are, where you want to go, and the time and date you are going and POW! it tells very clearly all the information you need and more! Isn't this so much easier to read???

So, today I had to completely rearrange my schedule. My Angel colleague Paul swapped shifts with me so i could get to my 3:20pm appointment. We also swapped book clubs. I did his book club today from 1-2pm and he will do mine next week on Tuesday night. 

After book club i changed into leggings and a t-shirt to make getting my boobs out a bit easier then I went down to the YMCA. I decided  I was in plenty of time to catch the 14:13 bus (2:13 to my American peeps) and I could just mooch around Morrisons supermarket for an hour as the bus ride was about ten minutes.   

There was still that worry about how will I know where to get off the bus. Several people said it would be OBVIOUS but they have not counted on how crap I am at spotting (or rather missing) landmarks.

Enter ANGEL NUMBER FOUR: The lovely Christine from book club which had disbanded a mere 10 minutes ago came over and said, "Oh are you taking this bus as well?" I confirmed I was. I explained that I was nervous about where to get off and she offered to DING the button for me at my stop. What a relief. And it really was a relief. I was staring with my X-Ray vision out the window looking for the obvious sign that said MORRISONS in big ole letters when i heard the bell go DING and Christine shout, "This is your stop!" I am eternally grateful as all I could see was this hugh-jass hedge so i would have never known it because i was looking in the wrong direction. 

ANGEL NUMBER FIVE: the bus driver. He was incredibly patient with me and told me where to pick up the bus on the way back. It involved crossing the very busy road and he told he me to use the crosswalk to get across. I hadn't even seen the crosswalk as i was too busy imagining myself as a real life FROGGER tried to hop across the road to the alligators on logs (well, the return bus shelter.)

I had an hour to potter around Morrisons so i found a few treats on special offer like this crazy delicious palm oil free chocolate spread. I bought two but after tasting it, wish i had bought the lot. YUM.

Then it was time for the ole mammogram which Spiderman described as a boob sandwich between two panes of glass. They let me in at 3:15pm for my 3:20 appointment. It took literally five minutes which included going over my details twice, taking off my bra, getting squished two different ways and getting dressed again. 

Before I went in I wished I had gone for a wee but when I came out i didn't need to go anymore so it must have been just nerves. 

I looked at the Traveline app and it looked like i would need to wait until 15:54 (3:54 for my American peeps) to return to Carmarthen so i went over to the crossing, pushed the button, stopped the cars and crossed over. I was resigned to wait for 30 minutes when lo-and-behold an X11 bus was trundling our way. The mammogram had happened so quickly I had managed to catch the 15:24 (3:24) back to town. And just like that I was back on familiar ground by 3:38. 

I am so insanely proud of myself for figuring it out without crying that I feel like I have climbed Mt Everest. It feels stupid because taking the bus should be a life skill, but it is not one I acquired because Spiderman was the great navigator. But now i know I can do it though I could not have done it without all the ANGELS. 

Thanks Best Beloved. 

2021 Vision

 Hello lovelies! Happy new year! 2020 was rollercoaster year, wasn't it? But it did allow me to see some things clearly:

1. I need routine. And it is hard to impose it on myself, but I must try harder especially as we are yet again in lockdown. 

2. I love my job. I mean I REALLY love my job. I miss it when I can't go to work. I am more productive and happier when I have been at work. I have a really good work-life balance and like to be having both halves of work and life. 

3. I am recharged by interacting with people. I knew this before, but I REALLY learned it over the big lockdown. The Amazing Spiderman is perfectly happy working from home as people drain him, but I was like a flat battery for months. I don't ever want to go out in big noisy groups in crowded spaces (not even before COVID) but I really thrive on some one on one conversations. I like meeting a friend for a hot chocolate in an independent café or going for a picnic in the park to save money. I also really enjoy interacting with customers. We have lots of regulars who pop in regularly (that is the definition of a regular, Spidergrrl!) that I look forward to seeing. Interacting with customers and being helpful is a huge part of my happiness. 

4. I have some control issues. Quite a lot of control issues, and this year has been out of control which has been really hard to cope with. This also ties in with routine because  with Spiderman working from home I could not keep to the routine I liked and found it very hard to take his suggestion to "please just do that some other time." 

5. I have trouble accepting help. I am often out helping people while my battery is on low (another issue I am continually working on) but find it harder to allow someone to help me. My dear old dad once said to me, "Why are you making things harder for yourself?" to which I replied "But it is so much easier to make things difficult!" by which I meant it is so much easier to do it myself that to ask for help. More on this in a bit. 

6. I am not good at sharing. I need my own computer. This was a serious issue during the big lockdown. I am a writer. Blogging takes up a lot of time and research and I am an author who needs to work on her own stories. This was a HUGE issue between myself and the Amazing Spiderman over the big lockdown. I was like Vesuvius waiting to erupt, always boiling and seething under the surface as we both needed to be on the computer at the same time but in the rock/paper/scissors of life--work trumps personal reasons. We have solved this by investing in a second laptop and it has CHANGED MY LIFE. I have written more in the last two months than in the whole rest of the year. 

7. I need more creative outlets. This too was a struggle during the big lockdown when I couldn't go to work.  I started to think about what made me happy and what I missed from my life in England when I worked in a school. There was lots of time for laying about ruminating on what I enjoy that I was not allowed to do while I waited (im)patiently for my turn on the computer. Once I determined what it was, I made damn sure to start doing it the moment I got back to work. More on this later. 

Having gained some extraordinary insight into myself in 2020, I wanted to reflect that in my Vision Board.

What is a Vision Board, I hear you cry? Well, it is part woowoo, part arts and crafts. I like to really think on new year's day what I want to do in the upcoming year and who I want to be (striving always to be a better person). It is not about new year's resolutions--which are easily broken--but just some personal growth goals and a reminder of what makes me happy. By making a tangible reminder of what brings me joy, I can make sure to do it. I then hang it in a prominent place in my craft room and look at it every morning to remind me of what it is important. 

Want to see it? Of course you do.

So what am I doing this year? In no particular order:

1. Being vegan--this is the core of my values. Does it cause death and suffering? Then it is to be avoided. Does it bring life and kindness? Then it is to be celebrated. Compassion is so much better than cruelty. 

2. What am I doing in the world to make it better? Making sure to look for opportunities to make a difference in the world. This has been more important in lockdown....how can help others (making sure that what I choose to do energises me rather than depletes me--setting boundaries.) 

3. I am the chief cook in our house, but this was not always so. When we were first married and I was a full time student and then a full time teacher with a terrible work-life balance, Spiderman did all our cooking. When I wanted to become vegan I learned how to cook (and cook well!) Spiderman is a great cook. he is just much slower than me. I swear the man gets a ruler out when he chops potatoes as they are all identically sized! Since I am often tired from work, he has offered many times to share the burden of cooking. I do not take him up on it nearly as often as I should and then feel resentful as I am tired or my back hurts and it is me doing it. We had a long talk about this and I am going to work harder to relinquish some control in the kitchen. So in 2021, we will be taking turns more. We also will be cooking together more. I can do food prep MUCH faster while we chat about our days and then I can bugger off and do some yoga or have a nap while he does the cooking. Also, I want to make sure to do more advance food prep to make cooking for whoever's turn it is, easier. 

4. Keeping to a loose routine especially in times of lockdown. I don't have to do EVERYTHING in a day, but it would be nice to tick a few things off my enjoyment list (see below) every day. Also writing down a few things in my 2021 diary that I would like to accomplish (or need to be done--I cannot tell you the amount of times I have realised at midnight that something needed to be done for the morning.)  Better organisation and loose routine (especially in lockdown) but also for when I am working to use my time more wisely. 

5. Doing things that bring me joy--making crafts and creating art, reading (and discussing--this year Spiderman will be a judge for the Carnegie and Greenaway awards and so we will get upwards of a hundred books to read and talk about...I made us our own little book club symbol!), making films with my new stop motion animation app. These are all things I am doing for me...but there are several things I do at home that bring me joy that involve work. Sewing fancy dress costumes to wear at the Bookshop (after the big lockdown I have gone to work dressed as Hercule Poirot, the witch from Narnia and a Christmas elf) as well as storytelling. I realised how much I missed storytelling--the research of finding a story that feels right in my mouth, adapting it, memorising it, making costumes or props for it, performing it. Right now it is not possible to have children in the shop for an actual audience but we have gotten round this by having my faithful camera crew Spiderman film me telling tales. Which leads me neatly on to my next intention.

6. DIY. I used to be such a luddite--I only got my first smartphone in 2017 and I always feel like I am behind on technology but this year I taught myself to build a website because some friends with an animal sanctuary needed help. I also taught myself to use video editing software so that we could put up films of my storytelling on the the Goldstone Books YouTube Channel. I used to think that I was not smart enough to do "computer things" but it turns out I was wrong. So this year, with my new laptop that I don't have to share, I am finally working on a project that has been on hold since 2016--turning my epistolary novel into a graphic novel. Yes, I will be teaching myself how to illustrate online by using my my new tech skills to tell my story. Then we will publish my second book! Hoorah! 

7. Coming out of the big lockdown (but still in cautious mode) I was reminded who was in my tribe and who I enjoyed spending time with and who I hadn't missed at all. There are several people I let fade away because they drained me and several people I made an active effort to spent (socially distanced) time with because they energised me. Even now, in our third lockdown, I am making time to have phone calls and texts with people I care about (or send make and send a card if they are struggling) and that connection is keeping my going. 

8. The lockdowns put such a strain on small businesses and several independent vegan businesses have had to close. I work for an independent bookshop and I am all too aware of the national chain right down the road who can sell at a bigger discount than we can. I tried last year to support more small businesses (especially ones that help us cut our waste) and this year I will try even harder. We just booked in an order with Cegin Mam Gu for a three course Greek meal that is vegan and GF and delivered to our door which I am very much  looking forward to since we can't go out for a meal. Which leads me to my next point.

9. Drink more tea. This ticks the box of supporting Tea Traders ( a great independent business in town run by two lovely blokes which sells loose tea) as well as keeping me hydrated. Fruit tea is good hot or cold and I am guaranteed to have less pain and be less cranky if I am drinking some delicious tea.  

10. The self care checklist. Even just 15 minutes a day makes all the difference in my physical and emotional wellbeing. Yoga and strength training for my body (I have let my ab work go this year and I feel it in my lower back), deep breathing and mindfulness (I tend towards hyperventilating and overthinking), more orgasms (they are truly the best pain relief and mood booster I know) and a 15 minute tidy every day instead of letting things pile up until it takes hours to put everything back where it belongs will save my sanity. 

11. Patience. About everything.  Enough said.  

What did you learn about yourself in 2020? What do you hope to do with your life in 2021? 

First Brexit, Now This

Trident is Britain's nuclear weapons system. It's made up of four submarines – one of which is on patrol at all times - carrying up to 40 nuclear warheads on board. Each of these warheads is eight times more powerful than the atomic bomb which was dropped on Hiroshima.

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair, one of the biggest supporters of replacing Trident in 2007, has admitted that the only purpose of maintaining the nuclear weapons system is to give Britain status.

Trident and legality

These weapons have no legitimate purpose: their use would be illegal under almost every conceivable circumstance, as huge numbers of civilian casualties would be unavoidable. That is why the International Court of Justice ruled in 1996 the threat or use of nuclear weapons would be contrary to the rules of international law.

Trident and security

Not only are these weapons immoral, potentially genocidal and strategically irrelevant in the face of the realistic threats we face today, they are also hugely expensive. The Government's National Security Strategy identifies international terrorism, cyber-attacks and natural hazards as greater threats than nuclear war.

Trident and its cost

The government is in favour of replacing Trident at a cost of at least £205 billion. This money would be enough to improve the NHS by building 120 state of the art hospitals and employing 150,000 new nurses, build 3 million affordable homes, install solar panels in every home in the UK or pay the tuition fees for 8 million students.

Trident and the election

Trident was a major point of debate in the 2015 General Election, with the spectactular gains of the Scottish National Party (SNP) a stark indicator of opposition to nuclear weapons in Scotland. The Scottish people are joined by millions all over the UK who want to see an end to Trident.

You read that and it makes perfect sense, right? Except last night MPs voted 4 to 1 to renew the Trident Missiles. I am just heartbroken as this has long been a cause close to my heart. This has been a concern of mine ever since i grew up in the shadow of the Cold War. 

Being a Quaker helped me find others who shared my views on this. I joined the CND (Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament) when we lived in England and participated in Wool Against Weapons two years ago where we helped to knit a seven mile long pink scarf that was displayed between two armaments factories as a protest. You can read about my experience here:  http://spidergrrlvstheworld.blogspot.co.uk/2014/08/wool-against-weapons.html

So much of this campaign (just like the Brexit campaign) was based on fear and fear is no way to make your decisions. I am hugely disappointed. Heartbroken. Gutted. 

It is interesting to note that the submarines that house the weapons are held in Scotland on a naval base on the River Clyde. The SNP (Scottish National Party) is VERY anti-nuclear. They were also very anti-Brexit. It almost makes me want to move to Scotland. Scotland tried to leave the UK a few years ago and the vote did not succeed but there is talk now that they want a re-vote and this time I think they will win. They would leave the UK and join the EU. And what would happen to missiles at Faslane?  

As with Brexit, we must make do with what we have been given and work to change it. Complaining is not enough. We must find a way to look for the Light in the Darkness. 

That Darn Welsh eto (again)

I was discussing with my dear ole Mum via email about the confusing bits of learning to speak Welsh.  It is not as tricky as it first appears. It just looks different to our eyes because some of the alphabet is different (letters like dd and ll spring to mind) as well as grammatically sentence structure is *completely* different from English. 

In English if it is a regular verb you just add -ed.  If it is irregular you might change the whole word (as in go becomes went.) Thankfully there are only 5 irregular verbs in Cymraeg (cael--to get or to have, mynd--to go, gwneud--to do or to make, dod--to come and bod--to be). Here are the verb endings and pronoun for past tense: (remember verb first then subject so coginiais i says cooked I but means I cooked)
-ais i
-aist ti
-odd e/odd hi
-on ni
-och chi
-on nhw

 So the verb darllen meaning to read would look like this in the past tense:
Darllenais i
Darllenaist ti
Darllenodd e/ darllenodd hi
Darllenon ni
Darllenoch chi
Darllenon nhw

As I said before if a pronoun precedes a preposition then it has to conjugate. The preposition may also make the word that follows mutate!

Endings for prepositions with pronoun:
-a i
-at ti (or -ot ti in the case of wrth)
-o fe/-i hi
-on ni
-och chi
-yn nhw

So becso am means to worry about so to say Worry about me,  worry about you, worry about him/her etc looks like this--
Becso amdana i
Becso amdanat ti
Becso amdano fe/becso amdani hi
Becso amdanon ni
Becso amdanoch chi
Becso amdanyn nhw

In a sentence that might look like this:
They worry about her.
Maen nhw'n becso amdani hi.

The more I do it, the easier it gets on paper. It is still incredibly difficult to say and to hear. But I keep telling myself Paid becso, bydd hapus.  Don't worry, be happy!

The Saga of the Broken Washing Machine

Basically, our machine has died. A coroner came out and declared it dead, but the funeral cannot be until Friday of this week. Then the carcass will be removed and a new one will hopefully take its place. I was a bit grumpy about it not being sooner, but this means I don’t need to take a day off of work to see the old one leave and the new one arrive. So that is something positive about it, I suppose..

 NOTE: this arrangement only works with appliances and not relatives. If you think you can just do away with your mum because she annoys you and someone will bring you a new model, you will be severely disappointed.

Here is the saga of the broken washing machine to the tune of Pop goes the Weasel.

Everyone sing along!

 

The washer started making noise,

There was a burning smell.

The landlord said to get it fixed

Then they’d reimburse us.

 

We asked around for several days

To find a good repairman.

We missed a day of work to wait

Then he gave us bad news.

 

The washer was so broken that

We needed a brand new one.

The landlord said to pick one out

Then they’d reimburse us.

 

We found a washer that we liked.

We tried for express delivery.

The soonest they could come was

Friday! That’s a week away!

 

The clothes are piling up so high.

We had to wash in the tub.

Tomorrow I’ll take towels to school

And use their machine.

 

Our only worry is that our machine is in the bathroom and the cord feeds through a hole in the wall to the plug in the kitchen. We sincerely hope this is part of the installation we have paid extra for because you don’t want us wiring the electrics! Otherwise we may have a brand new machine and not be able to use it! 

 

We’ll let you know how it goes on Friday!

What's white and cold and falls from the sky?

Why it's snow! We lived in Louisiana for 34 years and it only snowed (as in covered the ground in a white blanket/stopped all road traffic/schools etc) TWICE, but it has snowed at least once every year we have lived in England. It started Saturday night and we woke up to this on Sunday morning:

It is so beautiful, but I find snow a bit wearing these days. The first few years I was out in the garden, building snowmen and having fun, but now I am older and want my cold bones to stay warm. I'd rather have a lazy day inside, admiring the view, drinking a hot drink and reading a book.

Besides, because it snowed on the weekend and there was time to grit the roads we still have to go to school. Boo! Hiss! I love my job, but walking on icy breakneck paths to work is not my idea of fun. Nor is giving detentions on the playground for putting snow down some unsuspecting person's back.

My main concern these days has been for the homeless people all over the UK, but particularly Hitchin. We have been having beastly weather--lows at minus 7, highs at minus 1--that sort of thing. Now with snow it must be terrible for them. I have the choice to stay in and have a hot cuppa, but many do not. Pray for them as the weather slowly makes its way to spring.

In the mean time, stay warm.

Around the world in 10 days

OK, we didn’t actually go around the world--but we did go half way round. Yes, as you can see, we have returned from the Voyage of the Damned (so named as so many things seemed to be going wrong before we went we wondered if we would actually get there at all) but clearly we did and we returned back to our own nest where we are snuggling down and sleeping off the jet lag.

It was truly wonderful to see everyone. We hadn’t seen family and friends  for several years and so it was lovely to catch up with so many people. I had 3 main worries about going (if you don’t count the bit where I cringe at the thought of spending money. That’s not so much a worry as being a cheap-ass.)

Worry One: Being hungry. We are vegan and I am wheat free and Louisiana is about meat and meat and more meat. It was a very unfriendly place for plant eating people the last time we were there. Plus now the no wheat issue can make choosing food a bit trickier.

Worry Two: My back would hurt. I have some back issues stemming from a twice broken coccyx that  won’t allow me to sit down for too long comfortably and this trip was all about the travel--sitting on an aeroplane for nearly 10 hours as well as numerous car journeys. We flew into New Orleans and needed to get all the way to Monroe. That’s a lot of travel time.

Worry Three: That my allergies would be out of control due to aggressive Louisiana pollen and pet hair. Yes--being severely allergic to animal dander and having EVERY friend and family member be pet owners is a bit awkward to say the least.

It turned out that only one of the three worries really came true. Louisiana has become a much friendlier state about other people’s food choices/needs. There were many varieties of non meat foods out there including some soy yoghurt and gluten free pretzels! I was never hungry. We ate at several restaurants and there was always something to eat. We had lovely grilled courgette and asparagus with a marinated grilled Portobello mushroom the first night we arrived and it only got better from there. In Alexandria, I highly recommend the wee restaurant on Jackson Street called Little Greek.  http://www.littlegreekrestaurant.com/ We ate there twice and both times the wonderful owner made us something special. The first time he whipped up these lemon garlic potatoes with brown rice and the next time he outdid himself by making us a special gluten free pizza with tomatoes, olives, onions, peppers, mushrooms and spinach and topped it with what he called “tofu cheese” which was a bag of soy shreds. I normally don’t go for the fake stuff but this was hands down--the BEST pizza I have ever eaten. And then he used leftover gluten free dough and an apple to make us a little baked apple in cinnamon pastry topped with powdered sugar for pudding!!! What a nice man!!! If we lived there I’d eat there all the time so if you live in Alexandria--go to the Little Greek and meet the nicest people who will cook you amazing food.

Worry two had been my back, but I was able to get up and stretch on the plane and my back was relaxed and loose and pain free until the flight home--and by then I didn’t care as I was going back to my own bed. It was so pain free that I was able to exercise many times taking advantage of the mini-gym in 2 of our hotels. I ran on the treadmill several days and even beat my record for press ups (push ups to my American peeps)--I did 40. Granted they were “girl” press ups--but hey, I did 40. Can you do 40? I think not.

Sadly the one problem that plagued me from beginning to end in varying degrees was allergies. Even Spiderman was suffering from the pollen so I know it was bad. But being a sensitive little flower I was affected by pet hair. My mum and step dad tried so hard and were 90% successful in keeping themselves pet hair free and keeping me from being sick. I love them so much for the amount of energy and money they spent from renting a car so I could breathe freely as well as coughing up money for a hotel room when my allergies couldn’t take the tiny caravan we had planned to borrow. It was fine until we brought out the sheets and blankets. Damn you allergies!!! I didn’t have as much success in Monroe and spent most of the visit with Spiderman’s family trying not to claw my face off or rub my eyes until they bled. I spent a good deal of time being pretty doped up from high levels of anti-histamine. This is precisely how I slept through the Bob Dylan concert all those years ago.  I was taking high levels of anti-histamines and people were smoking dope all around us and I just drifted off to sleep with my head on Spiderman’s shoulder and Bob Dylan looked really small on the stage and the speaker pulsed  like a giant beating heart. Thankfully, there was no dope smoking this visit so with just the anti-histamine to contend with I managed (barely) to stay awake and try to contribute to the conversation.  Despite my allergies, it was good to see everyone.

But there were a few things that I learned.

1. I am still not a petrol head. I am spoiled to the life we lead here with no car and excellent public transportation. I was shocked at how you really did have to drive EVERYWHERE. I feel like with the plane flight and all the driving (well, riding) in cars we did I am personally responsible for the destruction of the ozone layer. Polar bears are dying out there because of me, I just know it.

2. We are loved by so many people. We had family drive quite long distances (all the way from Texas!) to come and have lunch with us. Lots of people really wanted to see us and went out of their way to do so and I felt loved and supported by all. Some friends are the sort that you can pick up right where you left off 10 years ago and we were blessed to have dinner with our dear friend LeCrete who is as mad as a hatter in the best possible way. 

3. I adore Lebanese Iced Tea. I have never been a tea drinker. In the South it’s all about the sweetened iced tea but in England, it’s all about a steaming cuppa with a bickie. I don’t like either but I have discovered Lebanese Iced tea and I am working to replicate the recipe at home. It was sweetened tea, lemonade and rosewater with pine nuts floating on top and so delicious and refreshing I can think of nothing else I’d like to drink in the world ever again. 

4. There is such a thing as a Squirrel Cook Off. Have a favourite squirrel recipe? Then bring it along to the Squirrel Cook Off and you might when a prize. We saw a leaflet advertising this and it was funniest (and grossest) thing I think we saw the whole visit. Thank you Louisiana.

5. There’s no place like home. Or as it says in the book The Best Nest:

I love my house

I love my nest

In all the world

My nest is best.

I was glad to go and see everyone, but returning to a place where I can walk instead of drive, where I can recycle, where I can breathe clearly means everything. Louisiana was once our home but it felt very like a place to visit--it does not belong to us anymore--and I am so glad that we belong to England and England belongs to us.

How do you talk to yourself?

See, I’m not asking DO you talk to yourself. I know you do. I’m asking HOW. Do you speak out loud or do the voices in your head tell you what to do? Do you speak kindly or do you heap harsh words onto your head that you wouldn’t say to your worse enemy? Do you give a running commentary on all you need to remember to do? e.g.  Click file, then print, then pages 1,3, copies 3, go. Do you repeat mantras or calming words in times of stress? When you give yourself a good talking to, do you speak in FIRST person e.g. I am in my happy place. I am an ocean of calm or do you speak in SECOND person e.g. Calm down, you’re going to be fine. Take a deep breath. You can do this.

I only ask because I talk to myself a lot. Out loud. When I need to remember something I repeat it out loud until I do the thing I need to remember --yesterday it was Pick up Ruth, pick up Ruth as I had brought my ukulele (answers to name of Ruth)  to school and I didn’t want to leave her in the music room when it was time to go home. I also give myself pep talks in times of stress--and boy there has been many of those lately. I know touchy feely new age hippy claptrap says you should always use the first person--I am a lovely, kind person who can handle this difficult situation with grace but I feel a bit dozy doing that and end up using my kindergarten teacher voice which annoys me then I don’t listen to the advice I’ve just spouted to myself. I find I work better in second person--like a good friend with their arm around you, telling you it will be ok. You can do this. It may be hard, but it will work out. You can cope with this. I also find myself lately quoting Julian of Norwich who said:

All shall be well

And all shall be well

And all manner of things shall be well.

I seem to be saying this a lot. Out loud. In my head. When I walk. Between deep breaths. Between bouts of tears. All the time really.

It is funny that when faced with difficulty and annoyance if it is me and someone else I usually act calm and am the one who pushes us on. When someone else is whinging and moaning I tend to be acting all:

Let’s pull together! Spirit of the Blitz! We can do this! It’s not really a problem unless we make it one! Come on, soldier, buck up! I’m not tired! Don’t worry about things you have no control over, just let them go!  This’ll be fine, you’ll see!

Even if I think this is a load of codswallop and what I actually believe is:

 I think everything is actually falling apart, we can’t do this, it is a major problem, I’m exhausted, everything is out of control, this is the worst day of my life! I don’t show it. I am the better one who keeps us positive and singing songs until the rescue crew arrive.

The one person I can’t fool is Spiderman. He is the only person I can be my most authentic self--for better or worse--and I can’t ever hide my feelings from him. I cannot put on a brave face with him because he can see straight into my heart and know I’m lying and that I am really miserable. I can say all sorts of things aloud like come on, it’ll be fun or at least we’ll be able to laugh about it later, right? And he knows I don’t mean it. He cannot be fooled by my Polyanna exterior. So I find it hard to even try to fake it with him. When I look into his loving eyes and know he is seeing me for who I really am, all I can do is weep and ask him to hold me. With him, because I cannot disguise my feelings of sadness or annoyance, I am the one whinging and moaning. How annoying it must be! And because he is quiet and doesn’t wear his heart on his sleeve, sometimes I don’t realize that he is suffering too.

There are lots of things going on in our life right now that are very stressful. I am trying to be the positive one and failing a bit (quite a bit Spiderman might say) but I am trying to cope without making my beloved completely miserable himself. Because in a marriage joy and sorrow are both shared equally. Joy is light and easy to carry, but sorrow is heavy and it really takes two to hold back the tide to prevent each other from drowning in despair. But two can hold it back better than one. That is the partnership of marriage.

So how does one cope? If you keep telling yourself:

All shall be well

And all shall be well

And all manner of things shall be well.

Then will it be well? Does the act of saying it make it come true or does it just change the way you view the situation?

How do you make yourself believe it?