We Are All a Part of the Neverending Story

 Today was another adventure. A quest, if you will. I went to Swansea to see the film The Neverending Story on the 40^th anniversary of its release.

This was an adventure for me because it involved travel and planning. It would not have been possible a year ago. But it is possible now because I am growing and changing and learning independence. Two years ago, the Vue Cinema in Swansea was showing Matthew Bourne’s spectacular version of The Nutcracker in December, and I was DESPERATE to go but I could not conceive of any way to get there. Swansea might as well have been the moon. It felt like the most impossible task. Thankfully my friend Jo stepped up and offered me a lift and I got to go, but I remember being so lost and confused as we walked from the restaurant to the cinema. But then there at the cinema I made my first connection that became the spark of independence for me—I recognized where we were. I had been there before. I could see the Crunchie Bridge and the arena where I had gone to Comic Con in April. I recognized the multi-story carpark that my friend Helen parked in when she picked me up to go to Comic Con. I had just found my first landmark. And so today I used that same landmark as a homing beacon—I confidently walked toward the arena and found the cinema. I even had to time to scout out the location of the hotel I booked to stay in in February when I go see Bowling for Soup and Wheatus. Yup, another adventure to look forward to.

 Now onto the film.

First off, I would like to say that I expected it to be heaving with people as it is summer hols and kids are out of school. I also expected a large population of aging geeks like myself there for the nostalgia factor. Well, there was one of each—a dad about my age and his son. And that’s it.  Also, they shared a popcorn and left half of it (who leaves half of a popcorn that costs an outrageous £6.50??? I had mine nearly eaten by the time the adverts and trailers were done. I wasn’t wasting £6.50 worth of popcorn, My mama didn’t raise no fool.) Sorry, I digress.

 Onto the film.

It was just as good as I remember as the effects—a terrific mix of puppets and animatronics and forced perspective—really held up. Give me practical effects instead of CGI any day. Also did you know that Falkor the Luck Dragon, the Rockbiter, G’mork the evil beast of darkness and the narrator were all voiced by Alan Oppenheimer? He was also the voice of Skeletor from He-Man!! And in the scene in the bookshop where Bastian steals the magic book the grumpy shopkeeper mentions both The Wizard of Oz and the giant squid attacking the Nautilus from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea both which have featured heavily in my life recently.

But the main thing I want to talk about is how I viewed this film through the lens of grief.

The obvious bit to talk about (and the bit that traumatized us all as kids) is Artax in the Swamps of Sadness. The line that really struck me was the line Bastian reads from the book:

Everyone knew that whoever let the sadness overtake him would sink into the swamp.

I think about this a lot. Those early days after Spiderman shuffled off this mortal coil were like drowning in treacle. There were months that I was barely keeping my head above water. It hurt to breathe, and I sincerely just wanted to stop taking in oxygen if it meant that the pain would disappear. But like Atreyu said to Artax: I understand, it’s too difficult for you. People acknowledged my pain (though a few unhelpful arseholes suggested I should be “over it” by now) and when I could no longer bear the weight of grief, I was so lucky that friends and customers and the lovely Welsh community lifted me up like Falkor and cleaned me up and tended my wounds.

It made me really think today because I have lived in the depths of despair, it is very easy to give up like Artax. It takes far more effort to stay and fight and live. And like Atreyu, having lost my faithful companion I know I must still go on my quest. I must still do what I have been called to do—save my corner of the world through Love and Light and not let Darkness prevail. Fantasia still needs me.

When the Rockbiter has that heart-breaking speech, I really felt that.

They look like big, good, strong hands. Don't they? I always thought that's what they were. My little friends. The little man with his racing snail, the Nighthob, even the stupid bat. I couldn't hold on to them. The nothing pulled them right out of my hands. I failed.

I still carry a lot of guilt that I didn’t see that Spiderman was so ill. Maybe we could have saved him if he just spoken up and told me how bad he felt. The Nothing really did pull him right out of my hands.

I was also struck by the line by Urgl (Engywook’s wife) when she had brewed the healing potion full of nasty bits for Atreyu. She asks him if he is still in pain. He replies that it still hurts a little, but it’s alright. Then she said something that really spoke to me:

It has to hurt if it’s to heal.

Grief hurts. It rips at your heart like G’mork’s fangs. But pain is how we know we are still here. Pain is how we know we have lost something precious. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. Pain lets us know we are still alive. When you cease to feel then you cease to live. My pain was so great because my love was so great. And as awful as it is, you have to go through it. You endure the suffering and the despair, and you keep moving forward through the Swamps of Sadness. That is how you survive. I will always have a dark hole in the centre of my heart, but I am building layers of Light around it to cushion the sharp scratch of grief.  Those people who are the most successful after their spouse dies are the ones that keep moving, keep questing. If you stand still and only dwell on the great injustice of your loss then you risk forgetting what that person stood for, their hopes and dreams. If you can only look backwards then you cannot see how to bring their Light forward, how to continue their hopes and dreams. How to make the world better in their name and carry on their goodness. If you stay in the past, then you will die. I mean, we all will physically die. But your heart will die if you lose hope.

When Spiderman died the world was full of THE NOTHING. Everything looked grey and hazy and had no meaning. All joy was gone.

Atreyu: But why is Fantasia dying, then?

G'mork: Because people have begun to lose their hopes and forget their dreams. So the Nothing grows stronger.

Atreyu: What is the Nothing?

G'mork: It's the emptiness that's left. It's like a despair, destroying this world.

And so, I have made the decision to not let the emptiness destroy me. That I will not lose hope. I will not forget our dreams. I will not let the Nothing engulf me. I will choose to rebuild Fantasia. I will choose to build a good life. I will bring the memory of the past forward and continue questing. I will keep his memory alive and like Bastian I will make many other wishes and have many other amazing adventures before I leave this world . . . But that's another story.

Direction(less)

 Hello Lovelies! 

Everyone has been asking about my holiday or WHOLIDAY as I am calling it.  It was an amazing and overwhelming (but in the best possible way) experience. But with everyone who has asked about it I have started with the travel and navigation part instead of the holiday and I will tell you for why--I am DIRECTIONLESS. So, navigating on my own was a much much much bigger deal than for a normal person (whatever that means.) Everyone who enquired about my hols has remarked on this saying, "Yes, but how was the Doctor Who part of it?" Because no one seems to understand just how important of an achievement this was for me. So, dear reader, I am starting with the most important part. 

First you must understand this:

I have no sense of direction. Other people say that and what they mean is if they get a bit muddled it may take them a few minutes while they relook at the map to orient themselves and then they're back on the right course. This is not what we mean when we talk about me.

I have no spatial sense in the world. I struggle with left and right. I seem to have no memory of my surroundings even if it is a familiar place. It is like a blindness when it comes to moving through the world. A blindness that often leaves me in a state of sheer terror because I am lost. Not just lost, but LOST.

 I first remember this being an issue when in the 5th grade a friend who was coming over for a sleepover phoned and asked for directions to my house and I stood there stunned because I did not know directions to my house. I could only weakly suggest my house address, but I had no memory of how you got there. I recall in a panic quickly handing the phone over to my annoyed mother who rattled off a list of directions. How did she do that? I couldn't do that. My father kindly wrote me a list of things to say which I memorised so that I could be able to tell someone if they asked, but it had no meaning to me. 

 In case you are interested:

 Go down Jackson Street Extension and turn right onto Twin Bridges Road, turn right on Joe Hesni Boulevard and right again at the end and take the first left onto Stephen Circle. 

 This was a coping mechanism I developed, a mantra to chant to help me in familiar places that felt unfamiliar. I still do this every day, reciting the memorised directions from my work to my home. 

 And then once when we lived in England because the street I normally took was blocked off because of a gas leak I had to learn a second way to get home because all I could do was stand in the road and cry because I could not see a way to go around it because straight was the only way I knew.

 Things got worse for me from 6th grade through Louisiana College. Now I had to change classes and had to get places quickly. These were classes I went to every day and I still could not remember how to get there because the halls looked basically the same so there were no landmarks to grasp. I recall vividly the rising terror of standing at the top of the stairs at ASH not knowing which hallway should I take to get to Science. To the left or the right? One way led to English and one to Science, and even doing it every day I could not remember and just watched in panic until I saw a person in my class and followed them down the correct hall. And then there was finding my locker. How could I find it when they all looked alike? And which order did my combination go in? I could recall the numbers but by the time it took me to find my locker I was flustered, and the numbers swam in front of my eyes. 

 Most people never knew this about me. I was very good at "masking." I had seen the look of disbelief and annoyance on my mother's face who thought I was just playing up and had no sense as opposed to no sense of direction. 

 It got much much worse when I learned to drive.  I HATED driving. There was so much to remember, so many body parts to coordinate, the screaming pain like being tased in the tailbone after driving for more than 30 minutes (thank you broken coccyx). How could I also add navigation to the mix?

 I worked the same job for 4 summers. I worked for the Rapides Parish Library Summer Reading Programme.  I was required each week to drive to 2 different library branches a day. It was so stressful because none of it ever looked familiar. I don't mean that each summer I had to re-learn the way because I hadn't driven it in a year. No, I mean each week I had to re-learn because I hadn't driven it in a week.  I was always accompanied by a teenage student worker who had good directional sense.  I just remember speeding down a highway in tears because nothing looked familiar, and I didn't know where I was. Each summer the student worker acted like a SAT NAV and just told me where to turn. Smart ones pointed instead of saying "left" or "right" because I was very likely to go the wrong way. 

 I met the Amazing Spiderman in 1989. He was amazing in more ways than one.  He took that burden from me because he was good at navigation. Perhaps he was just normal and merely competent at it, but in my eyes he was a GENIUS. He was endlessly patient as my father had been.  Whenever we went to a restaurant where you had to go up the stairs and down corridors to get to the toilets not being able to find my way back was a regular occurrence. After 5 minutes he would just come to find me as I stood crying in a corridor, my heart squeezing with panic and shame.  When I desperately wanted to go to London to hear a lecture at Friend's House at the age of 40, he turned it into a board game with photographs of all the landmarks  I had to pass on my 10 minute walk. We played that game every night for weeks before I went so that I could have a mantra of landmarks to recite as I made the simple journey. He never shamed me for this lack of spatial ability. He only ever looked at me with love in his eyes. 

 We were together for 32 years before he died, and he was my North Star in more ways than one. While I have taken trips since he died, there was always someone to meet me on the other side and chauffer me around. And last year when my mother and granddaughter were killed in the car accident, a friend texted me at every airport to tell me my next departure gate. So then all I had to do was find the gate, which was difficult enough, but made less difficult by not having to locate and interpret giant electronic signs that keep changing while you are trying to read them before finding the correct departure gate.  That trip was not fun AT ALL and I had big ole snotty sobbing breakdowns in 3 airports from the stress of it. 

 When Spiderman died, I felt DIRECTIONLESS in more ways than one. Not only had I lost my trusty navigator, but my soulmate as well. I wondered would my directional issues ever allow me to continue on our adventures.  Then a few months ago I had a very clear dream where Spiderman told me I was ready. That I was to go to Weston-Super-Mare to see the Doctor Who exhibit at the museum. That he would guide me, and I was to bring a framed photo of him with me. And so, I booked it--another skill I have had to learn. Transportation and accommodation were also part of the things he did for me.

 I am surrounded by ANGELS. As soon as I started telling customers I was going on a trip, my first holiday since he died, I was surrounded by help.

 An older customer gave me his A-Z book of street maps of Weston-Super-Mare and helped me practice tracing the route from my hotel to the museum every time he came to the shop.

A younger customer showed me how to use GOOGLE MAPS on my phone and set it up for the walking directions.  He taught me that my body would be a large dot on the map and there would be a dotted line I was supposed to follow and so if I was not going the right direction I could see in real time that I was off track. Another customer (who is becoming a friend, hoorah!) showed me that if you do GOOGLE MAPS on a computer you can see street views and so I spent hours before I left practicing walking through the town and making a list of landmarks I would pass to know I was on the right track and landmarks that would help me know where to turn (turn right by Superdrug is much easier than turn right on Orchard Street. Also, why do so many streets not have a fecking street sign????) 

 And so, by the time I got there I knew where I was. I had a list of landmarks and so was much calmer and was able to enjoy myself. It was like a switch had flipped in my head. Suddenly I could see connections. I could see how this street connected to that street and remember it. Something I have NEVER been able to do before.

 

I was like a cartoon getting an idea and a light bulb appears over their head. It was like my whole brain was illuminated for the first time in my life. I even was able to look at GOOGLE MAPS and make the connection that the cinema (where I had practiced finding before the trip) was near the train station and so I was able to use my prior knowledge to get me to the cinema and then do a practice walk the day before I left to the station. I just went slowly, used the dots on GOOGLE MAPS to help me know I was going in the right direction and then emailed myself a list of landmarks to follow the next day. And it worked. it really worked.

 

I came home so excited because I now had coping mechanisms and some directional skills but mainly, I had CONFIDENCE. This has opened up a whole world of travel for me. Which is why I must talk about it first, before I tell you all about my grand adventure. 

 

Stay tuned tomorrow for the tale of SIX go on a WHOLIDAY. 

 

 

It Takes a Village...

...to raise a Spidergrrl.

Hello lovelies! What an adventure I have had. Anyone who has read my book The Wanting Comes in Waves will know that the last good thing the Amazing Spiderman did for me before he got sick and died was take me to get a mammogram in Pensarn. Well, it is that time again because it has been a little over two years.

This has thrown up lots of issues for me:

• Grief over the fact that I have to do it alone this time (and the memory of what came after the last time)
• Anxiety of all the related things that go with it like how to get there by bus (which bus do I have to get, where does it pick up? How much does it cost? How will i know where to get off?)
• Once I am there the worry that they will find something because many women in my family have had breast cancer
• Then the journey home: where does the bus pick you up to take you home because it is never the same place it dropped you off

The last time all I had to worry about was the actual worry that I might get a diagnosis of breast cancer because Spiderman found the bus times, got us on the bus, got me to the mobile unit in the Morrisons car park and got us on the right bus to come home. 

I just kept thinking, How can I do this alone? 

Several people said  Oh, you can walk to Morrisons! it takes about 15 minutes. it's easy! you just have to do things like:

go OVER a bridge

go UNDER an underpass

go THROUGH a tunnel

and then it just became a list of prepositions and that was even worse than trying to figure out the bus. I think these people have seriously underestimated just how lost I can get. The bus is stressful, but walking it blindly through Preposition Land is terrifying. maybe if i had  time to do a practice walk with a friend like Spiderman used to do with me, but not without having a go a few times before the actual day. I will take my chances with the bus. 

I know it seems silly. I am a grown-ass woman. I should be able to do this. But i really struggle with reading a bus timetable. How can I figure out what bus i need if the timetable looks like this? 

Seriously. It might as well be written in Chinese because I cannot make heads of tails of it. 

I have just been talking and talking to Spiderman asking for his help from beyond the grave to help me figure out how in the hell I can do this without him. 

And he came through. He sent me ALL THE ANGELS.  I mean, seriously. There were angels every step of the way. 

First, I had no idea what bus to catch. How do you find that out if you can't read the bus timetable? 

FIRST TWO ANGELS: My colleague Paul at work remembered that one of our regular customers Chas takes the bus that passes Morrisons. He emailed Chas for me and asked what bus he took. Chas confirmed that i need the X11. He told me where he catches the bus and it was outside my favourite YMCA charity shop. Chas came by the shop the next day and talked me through it in person as he knew i was anxious about transport issues. 

ANGEL NUMBER THREE: I now knew my bus number and where to catch the bus, but how would I know the bus times? My dear friend and neighbour Sian and I went out for a cuppa before work and I mentioned my predicament. She told me all about the TRAVELINE CYMRU app which lets you plug in where you are, where you want to go, and the time and date you are going and POW! it tells very clearly all the information you need and more! Isn't this so much easier to read???

So, today I had to completely rearrange my schedule. My Angel colleague Paul swapped shifts with me so i could get to my 3:20pm appointment. We also swapped book clubs. I did his book club today from 1-2pm and he will do mine next week on Tuesday night. 

After book club i changed into leggings and a t-shirt to make getting my boobs out a bit easier then I went down to the YMCA. I decided  I was in plenty of time to catch the 14:13 bus (2:13 to my American peeps) and I could just mooch around Morrisons supermarket for an hour as the bus ride was about ten minutes.   

There was still that worry about how will I know where to get off the bus. Several people said it would be OBVIOUS but they have not counted on how crap I am at spotting (or rather missing) landmarks.

Enter ANGEL NUMBER FOUR: The lovely Christine from book club which had disbanded a mere 10 minutes ago came over and said, "Oh are you taking this bus as well?" I confirmed I was. I explained that I was nervous about where to get off and she offered to DING the button for me at my stop. What a relief. And it really was a relief. I was staring with my X-Ray vision out the window looking for the obvious sign that said MORRISONS in big ole letters when i heard the bell go DING and Christine shout, "This is your stop!" I am eternally grateful as all I could see was this hugh-jass hedge so i would have never known it because i was looking in the wrong direction. 

ANGEL NUMBER FIVE: the bus driver. He was incredibly patient with me and told me where to pick up the bus on the way back. It involved crossing the very busy road and he told he me to use the crosswalk to get across. I hadn't even seen the crosswalk as i was too busy imagining myself as a real life FROGGER tried to hop across the road to the alligators on logs (well, the return bus shelter.)

I had an hour to potter around Morrisons so i found a few treats on special offer like this crazy delicious palm oil free chocolate spread. I bought two but after tasting it, wish i had bought the lot. YUM.

Then it was time for the ole mammogram which Spiderman described as a boob sandwich between two panes of glass. They let me in at 3:15pm for my 3:20 appointment. It took literally five minutes which included going over my details twice, taking off my bra, getting squished two different ways and getting dressed again. 

Before I went in I wished I had gone for a wee but when I came out i didn't need to go anymore so it must have been just nerves. 

I looked at the Traveline app and it looked like i would need to wait until 15:54 (3:54 for my American peeps) to return to Carmarthen so i went over to the crossing, pushed the button, stopped the cars and crossed over. I was resigned to wait for 30 minutes when lo-and-behold an X11 bus was trundling our way. The mammogram had happened so quickly I had managed to catch the 15:24 (3:24) back to town. And just like that I was back on familiar ground by 3:38. 

I am so insanely proud of myself for figuring it out without crying that I feel like I have climbed Mt Everest. It feels stupid because taking the bus should be a life skill, but it is not one I acquired because Spiderman was the great navigator. But now i know I can do it though I could not have done it without all the ANGELS. 

Thanks Best Beloved. 

Be Less, Do Less

 Hello lovelies! I am still looking at ways I want to be better in the new year. But as the title suggests I am still rather busy and struggling with time and energy management. 

The problem is that I LOVE to DIY. If I see something in a shop that can be made, then I  make it. I pride myself on making it myself for less. It is one of my superpowers. But I am also TIRED. 

And so part of my resolution this year is that I do not have to do it all, especially if I am doing other creative things. 

1. IT'S OK TO OUTSOURCE

Since the Amazing Spiderman died I have struggled with energy management since it falls to me to do EVERYTHING. I try to do a lot of pre-portioning foods like kale or broccoli so I can just grab-a-green-and-go. I had been using plastic ziplock type bags with a slide lock, but they were wearing out and I didn't want to just keep using and throwing away bags with such frequency (see number 2 on my resolutions today) and so I thought I could make some cloth reusable bags.

I wanted them to have that food grade wipe clean PUL liner but that stuff is EXPENSIVE. I found a half metre of the fabric on sale for £15 (Ker-ching!) and then I would need to factor in outer fabric, velcro if I chose to add that, plus time and energy. I looked at my life and just thought I can't pull blood from a stone. I am currently making storytelling props for the shop's Youtube Channel and rehearsing my lines, getting ready to film and then edit and there just is nothing left in the creative tank. So i decided to OUTSOURCE. I bought some on Etsy from EMMA MARY BAGS N BOBS. It kind of hurt my heart to let someone else make these, but it would have cost me that much to make them myself and now I don't have to.

They are adorable with cute fabric and are perfect for dividing greens into portions in the fridge. And they are wipe clean as well as washable. 

So what have I been making instead? An apple tree, a baker's oven (complete with felt loaf of bread on a wooden paddle) converted from a Troll Bridge leftover from a previous storytelling  and a piece of cloth that looks both like feather bedding and snowflakes when you shake it. Can you see why I didn't have time to make those bags myself? And that's OK.

These leads me into resolution 2:

2. LESS SINGLE USE PLASTIC AND WASTE

I am already doing that with the lovely reusable bags. However, starting this month there are changes to our waste/recycling collection and I want to improve. 

Previously our collection alternated--one week recycling pickup and the next week black bag non recycled waste pickup. But starting at the end of January, recycling is picked up every week and black bag only every three weeks (basically once a month). Normally, it takes me 3-4 weeks to fill up a black bag. But now I really want to concentrate on stretching myself to see how long I can go before I have to put out a black bag. Can I go six weeks (two pickup cycles?) Can I stretch to nine weeks (three pickup cycles?) 

Our recycling is even better than it used to be. Many more things are accepted locally to fill the blue recycling bags and now large supermarkets like Tesco have collections for things like crisp packets and certain plastic food bags that can't be recycled kerbside. 

I would love to be able to buy more naked fruit and veg, but it is not always available or affordable. Broccoli I can get plastic free, but kale I cannot. Kale comes in a crinkly plastic bag that can't be recycled so I try to use them as a bin liner in the bathroom before it goes into the black bag. 

Also when you try to throw away crinkly plastic bags they will not scrunch. Or rather they won't stay scrunched. This means that they take up a lot of space (very light air-filled space) but space none the less in your black bag filling it up quicker. The trick is take one minute to cut it into strips so it takes up less space. Another trick is to designate one crinkly bag as the "fill bag" and put all your strips into it before you put it in the black bag. 

And the last resolution for the day is:

3. ACTIVITIES AND EXPERIENCES

Let's be honest--the Amazing Spiderman was my EVERYTHING. We had lots of fun experiences over the years, but now I need to do them differently. Now I do them on my own (which is not as bad as i thought it might be. I was afraid I would look like Billy-No-Mates, but truthfully--nobody cares) and some I do with my FRAMILY. 

I got some birthday and Christmas money and so I have bought myself tickets to have a variety of experiences throughout the year. I will see three NATIONAL THEATRE LIVE at the cinema by myself (The Crucible, Othello and a play called Good starring David Tennant) and two comedians at the LYRIC THEATRE (Rich Hall and Mark Steel) with my Stand Up Comedian Friend (and Spiderman's former supervisor) Bettina. I also have tickets to see the Peatbog Faeries in concert. I have tickets to Swansea Comic Con with my Geek Friends the FT Gang and have already started going out with my Cinema Friend Pearl--we went out on Monday night to film club at the Lyric to see The Muppets Take Manhattan. 

That's all I have time for today as I need to finish making props so i can go and do a dress rehearsal for the storytelling. 

I hope you have lots of fun this year and don't feel like you have to do it all by yourself. 

Everything is Figureoutable

 Hello Lovelies! 

Every year on New Year's Day I like to do a little cutting and pasting to set intentions for the upcoming year. I obsessively hoard any free magazines I can pick up throughout the year and then use them to cut out letters, words and quotations that speak to me. Spiderman used to say that I would have been excellent at kidnapping because I had enough magazines to write dozens of ransom notes.

I saw a book at work with the title EVERYTHING IS FIGUREOUTABLE and I thought "That is what I want my motto to be this year." There are several things that are just really difficult and I don't know how to do them or who to ask to get help and they involve paperwork and filling out forms (UGH) and so the motto "I may not know, but I can figure it out" has already stopped my heart racing 

I thought it might be interesting to have a look over the course of a few blog posts at what I am hoping to achieve this year. Perhaps these are things you want to do as well. Perhaps we can help one another and be accountable to each other to help us live happier, healthier, less anxious lives in 2023.

Here is my Vision Board for the year.  I will pick a few things to talk about each time in no particular order. 

1. STOP AVOIDING ADMIN

As I said I have some outstanding (in the not done sense not the terrific sense) paperwork that must be completed. It took me ages to figure out how to fill out the forms to apply for my mother's Life Insurance claim and while I filled out the papers once and sent them in, something went wrong but I can't know for sure what went wrong without another phone call which I refuse to do because the last call cost be £85. They won't tell me exactly what was left out of the envelope, they just sent a reminder of everything that should have been included leaving me to play Sherlock Holmes and deduce where the problem was.  I have an idea what went wrong/what should have been sent but was not and so I am trying again. 

Admin is not my strong suit. Too many words on a page, being forced to write in ALL CAPS inside tiny prison cell boxes makes my heart race and stomach churn. Spiderman was much more calm than me when it came to filling out forms, but as he is no longer here on this earth, it falls to me to figure it out. By repeating the mantra YOU CAN DO THIS over and over I think I have figured out what to do.  But I have had the forms printed for a week and I just kept ignoring them on the table because I couldn't face filling them out again. Today is my day off and so I plan to devote several hours to reading every form aloud just to be sure I haven't forgotten anything.

Also, when I was trying to figure out how to deal with my mother's Life Insurance I discovered to my horror that I was meant to be filing US income tax for the last NINETEEN YEARS. I don't think I have to pay anything as I make below the threshold but I should have been filing. However, the IRS must know that lots of Expats don't know this because they have a whole page dedicated to Whoops! I didn't know, but now I do, what do I do now? But again, though I know about the website, I have been too afraid to look at what I have to do. American taxes aren't due until April 15th, so the plan is get the Life Insurance done this month and hopefully by next month I should have a cheque which can cover any potential slap-on-the-wrist late fees I may have incurred. Then by March I can look at filing my back US taxes. 

2. QUICK TIDY

   Peeps, I am drowning in clutter. I have always been a bit of a Messy Bessy, but since Spiderman shuffled off this mortal coil I find it harder to put things away. I am TIRED and often just drop things on the first available surface and collapse when I get home. However, this is what happens--it becomes like a terrifying game of The Floor Is Lava or a crazy obstacle course where I might break my neck if I fell down the stairs. This photo was taken on January 2nd and is the worst that it has ever been. Something needs to change.

One of my problems is procrastinating on things that seem insurmountable. The bigger they grow, the more I avoid dealing with them and the more I avoid dealing with them the bigger they grow. And I get looped in anxiety and I can't do anything but feel stressed about not dealing with it. (See above) I read about the "Pomodoro Method" which is basically set a timer and work your butt off until it goes ding. They suggest you buy one of those kitchen timers shaped like a tomato  that go TICK TICK TICK like a deathwatch beetle but I find that ticking like the axe swinging lower and lower in Poe's The Pit and the Pendulum so I just use my phone. I set the timer for 15 minutes, put on a Spotify playlist and work like the dickens until my friendly alarm sound calls out (my alarm is King George's song from Hamilton "Da da dat da, dat da da da da ya da") 

And you know what? It works. Even a 15 minute blitz helps to tackle clutter and if I start getting up early (I will be dealing with sleep and waking in my next post) then I can do 15 minutes in the morning and maybe 15 minutes in the evening. At night when I have been on my feet all day and am exhausted it is harder to do, but I discovered that I can do things like unload the clean dishes from the dish drain or sweep and mop the kitchen floor in the exact amount of time it takes to reheat a bowl of soup on the hob. 

3.FRAMILY

I do love a portmanteau word. Framily is made up of FRIENDS who are FAMILY. I am so blessed that I have such a good support network on this side of the pond. So many US friends were worried about me over these last few years lamenting that I had no FAMILY in the UK. But that is OK because I have FRAMILY. The Amazing Spiderman was my everything--my person that I did everything with. These days, I have different friends who do different things with me. I have friends who like the cinema or going to art classes or mooching around charity shops or going to plays or comic book conventions or museums. I used to do all of those things with Spiderman, but now I get to do them with lots of different people. Is it the same? No, not without him. But I still get to do them and it is very good. So this year I want to spend more time with my FRAMILY.

That's all for today. But in a day or two I will look at some other ways that I hope to be better in the new year. Maybe these are things you struggle with too. I hope it helps. 

2021 Vision

 Hello lovelies! Happy new year! 2020 was rollercoaster year, wasn't it? But it did allow me to see some things clearly:

1. I need routine. And it is hard to impose it on myself, but I must try harder especially as we are yet again in lockdown. 

2. I love my job. I mean I REALLY love my job. I miss it when I can't go to work. I am more productive and happier when I have been at work. I have a really good work-life balance and like to be having both halves of work and life. 

3. I am recharged by interacting with people. I knew this before, but I REALLY learned it over the big lockdown. The Amazing Spiderman is perfectly happy working from home as people drain him, but I was like a flat battery for months. I don't ever want to go out in big noisy groups in crowded spaces (not even before COVID) but I really thrive on some one on one conversations. I like meeting a friend for a hot chocolate in an independent café or going for a picnic in the park to save money. I also really enjoy interacting with customers. We have lots of regulars who pop in regularly (that is the definition of a regular, Spidergrrl!) that I look forward to seeing. Interacting with customers and being helpful is a huge part of my happiness. 

4. I have some control issues. Quite a lot of control issues, and this year has been out of control which has been really hard to cope with. This also ties in with routine because  with Spiderman working from home I could not keep to the routine I liked and found it very hard to take his suggestion to "please just do that some other time." 

5. I have trouble accepting help. I am often out helping people while my battery is on low (another issue I am continually working on) but find it harder to allow someone to help me. My dear old dad once said to me, "Why are you making things harder for yourself?" to which I replied "But it is so much easier to make things difficult!" by which I meant it is so much easier to do it myself that to ask for help. More on this in a bit. 

6. I am not good at sharing. I need my own computer. This was a serious issue during the big lockdown. I am a writer. Blogging takes up a lot of time and research and I am an author who needs to work on her own stories. This was a HUGE issue between myself and the Amazing Spiderman over the big lockdown. I was like Vesuvius waiting to erupt, always boiling and seething under the surface as we both needed to be on the computer at the same time but in the rock/paper/scissors of life--work trumps personal reasons. We have solved this by investing in a second laptop and it has CHANGED MY LIFE. I have written more in the last two months than in the whole rest of the year. 

7. I need more creative outlets. This too was a struggle during the big lockdown when I couldn't go to work.  I started to think about what made me happy and what I missed from my life in England when I worked in a school. There was lots of time for laying about ruminating on what I enjoy that I was not allowed to do while I waited (im)patiently for my turn on the computer. Once I determined what it was, I made damn sure to start doing it the moment I got back to work. More on this later. 

Having gained some extraordinary insight into myself in 2020, I wanted to reflect that in my Vision Board.

What is a Vision Board, I hear you cry? Well, it is part woowoo, part arts and crafts. I like to really think on new year's day what I want to do in the upcoming year and who I want to be (striving always to be a better person). It is not about new year's resolutions--which are easily broken--but just some personal growth goals and a reminder of what makes me happy. By making a tangible reminder of what brings me joy, I can make sure to do it. I then hang it in a prominent place in my craft room and look at it every morning to remind me of what it is important. 

Want to see it? Of course you do.

So what am I doing this year? In no particular order:

1. Being vegan--this is the core of my values. Does it cause death and suffering? Then it is to be avoided. Does it bring life and kindness? Then it is to be celebrated. Compassion is so much better than cruelty. 

2. What am I doing in the world to make it better? Making sure to look for opportunities to make a difference in the world. This has been more important in lockdown....how can help others (making sure that what I choose to do energises me rather than depletes me--setting boundaries.) 

3. I am the chief cook in our house, but this was not always so. When we were first married and I was a full time student and then a full time teacher with a terrible work-life balance, Spiderman did all our cooking. When I wanted to become vegan I learned how to cook (and cook well!) Spiderman is a great cook. he is just much slower than me. I swear the man gets a ruler out when he chops potatoes as they are all identically sized! Since I am often tired from work, he has offered many times to share the burden of cooking. I do not take him up on it nearly as often as I should and then feel resentful as I am tired or my back hurts and it is me doing it. We had a long talk about this and I am going to work harder to relinquish some control in the kitchen. So in 2021, we will be taking turns more. We also will be cooking together more. I can do food prep MUCH faster while we chat about our days and then I can bugger off and do some yoga or have a nap while he does the cooking. Also, I want to make sure to do more advance food prep to make cooking for whoever's turn it is, easier. 

4. Keeping to a loose routine especially in times of lockdown. I don't have to do EVERYTHING in a day, but it would be nice to tick a few things off my enjoyment list (see below) every day. Also writing down a few things in my 2021 diary that I would like to accomplish (or need to be done--I cannot tell you the amount of times I have realised at midnight that something needed to be done for the morning.)  Better organisation and loose routine (especially in lockdown) but also for when I am working to use my time more wisely. 

5. Doing things that bring me joy--making crafts and creating art, reading (and discussing--this year Spiderman will be a judge for the Carnegie and Greenaway awards and so we will get upwards of a hundred books to read and talk about...I made us our own little book club symbol!), making films with my new stop motion animation app. These are all things I am doing for me...but there are several things I do at home that bring me joy that involve work. Sewing fancy dress costumes to wear at the Bookshop (after the big lockdown I have gone to work dressed as Hercule Poirot, the witch from Narnia and a Christmas elf) as well as storytelling. I realised how much I missed storytelling--the research of finding a story that feels right in my mouth, adapting it, memorising it, making costumes or props for it, performing it. Right now it is not possible to have children in the shop for an actual audience but we have gotten round this by having my faithful camera crew Spiderman film me telling tales. Which leads me neatly on to my next intention.

6. DIY. I used to be such a luddite--I only got my first smartphone in 2017 and I always feel like I am behind on technology but this year I taught myself to build a website because some friends with an animal sanctuary needed help. I also taught myself to use video editing software so that we could put up films of my storytelling on the the Goldstone Books YouTube Channel. I used to think that I was not smart enough to do "computer things" but it turns out I was wrong. So this year, with my new laptop that I don't have to share, I am finally working on a project that has been on hold since 2016--turning my epistolary novel into a graphic novel. Yes, I will be teaching myself how to illustrate online by using my my new tech skills to tell my story. Then we will publish my second book! Hoorah! 

7. Coming out of the big lockdown (but still in cautious mode) I was reminded who was in my tribe and who I enjoyed spending time with and who I hadn't missed at all. There are several people I let fade away because they drained me and several people I made an active effort to spent (socially distanced) time with because they energised me. Even now, in our third lockdown, I am making time to have phone calls and texts with people I care about (or send make and send a card if they are struggling) and that connection is keeping my going. 

8. The lockdowns put such a strain on small businesses and several independent vegan businesses have had to close. I work for an independent bookshop and I am all too aware of the national chain right down the road who can sell at a bigger discount than we can. I tried last year to support more small businesses (especially ones that help us cut our waste) and this year I will try even harder. We just booked in an order with Cegin Mam Gu for a three course Greek meal that is vegan and GF and delivered to our door which I am very much  looking forward to since we can't go out for a meal. Which leads me to my next point.

9. Drink more tea. This ticks the box of supporting Tea Traders ( a great independent business in town run by two lovely blokes which sells loose tea) as well as keeping me hydrated. Fruit tea is good hot or cold and I am guaranteed to have less pain and be less cranky if I am drinking some delicious tea.  

10. The self care checklist. Even just 15 minutes a day makes all the difference in my physical and emotional wellbeing. Yoga and strength training for my body (I have let my ab work go this year and I feel it in my lower back), deep breathing and mindfulness (I tend towards hyperventilating and overthinking), more orgasms (they are truly the best pain relief and mood booster I know) and a 15 minute tidy every day instead of letting things pile up until it takes hours to put everything back where it belongs will save my sanity. 

11. Patience. About everything.  Enough said.  

What did you learn about yourself in 2020? What do you hope to do with your life in 2021? 

DIM--Dumass Institute of Movement

DIM

Dumass Institute of Movement

Have you always thought of yourself as clumsy? Do you trip over your own feet several times a day? Do you struggle with co-ordination, balance and movement?

You may suffer from a condition called DYSPRAXIA which is a developmental coordination disorder (DCD) affecting fine and/or gross motor coordination in children and adults. It is believed that one in ten children show symptoms of being dyspraxic.

Dr Ima Dumass, founder of the Dumass Institute of Movement, has a identified a sub category of dyspraxia called DYSPRAXIC OVERESTIMATION where the dyspraxic individuals grossly overestimate their co-ordination abilities causing them to repeatedly injure themselves in absurd ways. Her research shows that one in every five dyspraxic people show signs of Dyspraxic Overestimation. Dr Dumass has devoted her life to this group of poor, deluded individuals.

The Institute works with Dyspraxic Over-estimators to help them be aware of their limitations and not take risks that will lead to injury. Here are just a few of our success stories:

Heather, Wales

I jumped off a rock in the park while trying to imitate Eddie Van Halen and fell and shattered my coccyx. At the time I was extremely confident that I could pull this move off. Thanks to the Dumass Institute of Movement, I realise that I am not a rock star and never will be.

Rosie-Mai, England

I was running on a beach with friends. In my mind I was picturing that scene in Chariots of Fire and so I decided I could skip across the sand without a problem until I fell over and my hand went purple. This was the first of many overestimation injuries I received before I found the Institute.

Here at the Institute we teach dyspraxic individuals to ask themselves these crucial questions before attempting a physical task:

1. Can I do this?

2.  Seriously, can I actually do this?

3.If I did do this, is there a way it could go horribly wrong?

Our motto is: If in doubt, don’t attempt it.

The Dumass Institute of Movement has helped countless people lead better lives by helping them to avoid daft injuries while messing about with their friends.

What We Ate Wednesday--Garlic Alfredo Potatoes with Kale and Smoked Tofu

Hello lovelies! Thanks to our dear friends Carole Rivers and Rosie-Mai Rivers-Cole, we were gifted with some smoked tofu right before we went on the Magical Mystery Tour. I have been itching to use it since we came back and as it was a gift I wanted to create some spectacular recipes to use it in not just snaffle it all straight from the package. (Although we did allow ourselves to eat some as a treat during our monthly Doctor Who marathon.)
                                              
This was originally going to be a pasta recipe, but we ate pasta the day before (see last week's WWAW for Creamy Tomato Pasta here.) and so were out of noodle-y goodness. But Adapt, Adopt and Improve is my motto. I thought this alfredo sauce would be perfect over potatoes, and I was right.

This was my first time trying this recipe and we *definitely* will be eating it again. Over pasta. Over potatoes. Over each other. (just kidding)

Over the years I've tried more than a few alfredo sauce recipes...it's all a bit Goldilocks.

This one's too salty...
This one's too bland..
This one's too runny....
This one's too fatty....

But this one--THIS one--it's Juuussst Right.

This is a cashew based sauce, but it fits within my acceptable limit of how many cashew nuts I can afford to use in a recipe which is half a cup. If you don't have a high powered blender soak your cashew nuts overnight or at least several hours then drain and rinse. It helps it blend better to a velvety smooth texture.

I found this recipe on the blog The Vegan 8 and you can read her version here.  She uses all vegetable broth, but I used half veggie broth and half unsweetened soya milk and it was perfect. She also uses nutritional yeast, but I happened to have some vegan Parmesan in the fridge that needed using up so I used that since it was nutritional yeast based.

In case you forgot, my Parmesan recipe is:
3 TB nutritional yeast
3 TB ground almonds
1/2 tsp each sea salt and garlic powder and pulsed in a blender.

I will definitely try it with just nooch next time. Oh yes...there will be a next time.

Of course I couldn't make it just alfredo potatoes. I added our favourite leafy green, kale. Everything is better with kale. FACT.

Garlic Alfredo Potatoes With Kale and Smoked Tofu
Before you do anything:
destem and tear up into bite size pieces, 100g (about 3-4 cups) kale
Dice 500g potatoes

For the sauce:
1 onion, diced
4 cloves garlic, crushed
1 cup  vegetable stock
******************
half a cup soaked cashews
1 Tb lemon juice
1/4 cup plus 1 TB nutritional yeast or vegan parmesan
3/4 cup unsweetened non dairy milk of choice (we did soya milk)
1/2 a tsp salt

half a packet of smoked tofu, diced small or add a tsp liquid smoke if no generous friends have given you the gift of tofu.

To get started:
1. Put the potatoes in a pot and cover with water and bring to the boil and simmer until they can easily be pierced by a fork. Then drain.
2. Meanwhile, Put the onions in a pot with the veggie stock and cook on med high. When the liquid is almost evaporated, add the garlic. Cook until liquid is evaporated, remove from heat and let cool.
3. When not so hot, add to the blender with the rest of the sauce ingredients and blend until velvety smooth. The onions really thicken it up and add flavour.
4. Put the kale back in the pot that the potatoes cooked in and cook with a splash of water until bright green and reduced. Add in the potatoes, smoked tofu and alfredo sauce and heat until the sauce is bubbling.
5. Serve with a light sprinkle of flaked sea salt (optional) and quite a lot of freshly ground pepper. we had a little bit of parmesan left, so we sprinkled that on as well.

The picture *really* does not do it justice. The sauce was thick, creamy with a fatty mouthfeel, but not heavy or oily, flavoursome with a bit of a tang. I might even add an extra TB lemon juice next time.

Stay tuned next week where I show you how I used the rest of the packet of smoked tofu in some vegan quiche!