We Are All a Part of the Neverending Story

 Today was another adventure. A quest, if you will. I went to Swansea to see the film The Neverending Story on the 40^th anniversary of its release.

This was an adventure for me because it involved travel and planning. It would not have been possible a year ago. But it is possible now because I am growing and changing and learning independence. Two years ago, the Vue Cinema in Swansea was showing Matthew Bourne’s spectacular version of The Nutcracker in December, and I was DESPERATE to go but I could not conceive of any way to get there. Swansea might as well have been the moon. It felt like the most impossible task. Thankfully my friend Jo stepped up and offered me a lift and I got to go, but I remember being so lost and confused as we walked from the restaurant to the cinema. But then there at the cinema I made my first connection that became the spark of independence for me—I recognized where we were. I had been there before. I could see the Crunchie Bridge and the arena where I had gone to Comic Con in April. I recognized the multi-story carpark that my friend Helen parked in when she picked me up to go to Comic Con. I had just found my first landmark. And so today I used that same landmark as a homing beacon—I confidently walked toward the arena and found the cinema. I even had to time to scout out the location of the hotel I booked to stay in in February when I go see Bowling for Soup and Wheatus. Yup, another adventure to look forward to.

 Now onto the film.

First off, I would like to say that I expected it to be heaving with people as it is summer hols and kids are out of school. I also expected a large population of aging geeks like myself there for the nostalgia factor. Well, there was one of each—a dad about my age and his son. And that’s it.  Also, they shared a popcorn and left half of it (who leaves half of a popcorn that costs an outrageous £6.50??? I had mine nearly eaten by the time the adverts and trailers were done. I wasn’t wasting £6.50 worth of popcorn, My mama didn’t raise no fool.) Sorry, I digress.

 Onto the film.

It was just as good as I remember as the effects—a terrific mix of puppets and animatronics and forced perspective—really held up. Give me practical effects instead of CGI any day. Also did you know that Falkor the Luck Dragon, the Rockbiter, G’mork the evil beast of darkness and the narrator were all voiced by Alan Oppenheimer? He was also the voice of Skeletor from He-Man!! And in the scene in the bookshop where Bastian steals the magic book the grumpy shopkeeper mentions both The Wizard of Oz and the giant squid attacking the Nautilus from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea both which have featured heavily in my life recently.

But the main thing I want to talk about is how I viewed this film through the lens of grief.

The obvious bit to talk about (and the bit that traumatized us all as kids) is Artax in the Swamps of Sadness. The line that really struck me was the line Bastian reads from the book:

Everyone knew that whoever let the sadness overtake him would sink into the swamp.

I think about this a lot. Those early days after Spiderman shuffled off this mortal coil were like drowning in treacle. There were months that I was barely keeping my head above water. It hurt to breathe, and I sincerely just wanted to stop taking in oxygen if it meant that the pain would disappear. But like Atreyu said to Artax: I understand, it’s too difficult for you. People acknowledged my pain (though a few unhelpful arseholes suggested I should be “over it” by now) and when I could no longer bear the weight of grief, I was so lucky that friends and customers and the lovely Welsh community lifted me up like Falkor and cleaned me up and tended my wounds.

It made me really think today because I have lived in the depths of despair, it is very easy to give up like Artax. It takes far more effort to stay and fight and live. And like Atreyu, having lost my faithful companion I know I must still go on my quest. I must still do what I have been called to do—save my corner of the world through Love and Light and not let Darkness prevail. Fantasia still needs me.

When the Rockbiter has that heart-breaking speech, I really felt that.

They look like big, good, strong hands. Don't they? I always thought that's what they were. My little friends. The little man with his racing snail, the Nighthob, even the stupid bat. I couldn't hold on to them. The nothing pulled them right out of my hands. I failed.

I still carry a lot of guilt that I didn’t see that Spiderman was so ill. Maybe we could have saved him if he just spoken up and told me how bad he felt. The Nothing really did pull him right out of my hands.

I was also struck by the line by Urgl (Engywook’s wife) when she had brewed the healing potion full of nasty bits for Atreyu. She asks him if he is still in pain. He replies that it still hurts a little, but it’s alright. Then she said something that really spoke to me:

It has to hurt if it’s to heal.

Grief hurts. It rips at your heart like G’mork’s fangs. But pain is how we know we are still here. Pain is how we know we have lost something precious. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. Pain lets us know we are still alive. When you cease to feel then you cease to live. My pain was so great because my love was so great. And as awful as it is, you have to go through it. You endure the suffering and the despair, and you keep moving forward through the Swamps of Sadness. That is how you survive. I will always have a dark hole in the centre of my heart, but I am building layers of Light around it to cushion the sharp scratch of grief.  Those people who are the most successful after their spouse dies are the ones that keep moving, keep questing. If you stand still and only dwell on the great injustice of your loss then you risk forgetting what that person stood for, their hopes and dreams. If you can only look backwards then you cannot see how to bring their Light forward, how to continue their hopes and dreams. How to make the world better in their name and carry on their goodness. If you stay in the past, then you will die. I mean, we all will physically die. But your heart will die if you lose hope.

When Spiderman died the world was full of THE NOTHING. Everything looked grey and hazy and had no meaning. All joy was gone.

Atreyu: But why is Fantasia dying, then?

G'mork: Because people have begun to lose their hopes and forget their dreams. So the Nothing grows stronger.

Atreyu: What is the Nothing?

G'mork: It's the emptiness that's left. It's like a despair, destroying this world.

And so, I have made the decision to not let the emptiness destroy me. That I will not lose hope. I will not forget our dreams. I will not let the Nothing engulf me. I will choose to rebuild Fantasia. I will choose to build a good life. I will bring the memory of the past forward and continue questing. I will keep his memory alive and like Bastian I will make many other wishes and have many other amazing adventures before I leave this world . . . But that's another story.

Live Love Be Believe

 

Hello lovelies! The title of this blog is Live Love Be Believe which is the motto for the band the Crüxshadows. This is what I am trying to do:

LIVE in a world that has been turned upside down, live in a way I can be proud of and continue to live and grow and not shut down because the unthinkable has happened. I will never move on but I want to move onward.

LOVE and continue to love my Best Beloved, practice more self-love as learning to do all these new things on my own is hard without him, spread love and kindness with every step.

BE just learn to be whole without the person who I thought made me whole, just be in the moment not worrying about so many things, and be the person who is my best self.

BELIEVE that all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well, that I will see my darling again and what a sweet reunion that will be and to believe in all the good magical things that there are in the world and to be a part of spreading that joy.

My new tattoos

This has been my tattoo year, it seems. I have met the Fabulous Ffion who makes my ink dreams come true. And because she can double up (or in today’s case triple up) designs during a one-hour appointment I have my final three of the year.

Like every one of my tattoos these designs have a deep personal meaning for me, and like most the ones I got this year they are related to my Best Beloved the Amazing Spiderman.

There is so much I wanted to say about them that it felt like it needed to be a blog post.

The first design is the logo for the band the Crüxshadows. We have loved this goth darkwave band for years and even were lucky enough to see them live in London several years ago which you can read about HERE. This band, led by the charismatic lead singer and songwriter with a moral compass Rogue has been a hero of ours for years. Their lyrics are influenced by literature, religion (one of their songs quotes directly from the 23^rd Psalm) and Greek mythology. One of our favourite songs is Sophia, meaning wisdom. This song had a profound effect on both of us. Read some of the lyrics below and see why.

So you must carry this light into the darkness
You shall be a star unto the night
You will find hope alive among the hopeless
That is your purpose to this life

Do not injustice to another
Defend the weak and innocent
Let truth and honour always guide you
Let courage find the light within

Stand up when no one else is willing
Act not in hatred or in spite
Be to this world as a perfect knight
Even if it means your life

And through these doubts and through your confusion
Know that you are chosen to this fight
Look to find a soul filled with compassion
Look to see a living source of light

I wanted something to remind me always to be that Living Source of Light.

The second one is an hourglass. This timey-wimey symbol of Life, Death and Time Lords is also a reminder to me that we never know how long we have on this earth, and we must make it a good one, spreading love and kindness wherever we go so that we do not regret our lives. The Crüxshadows also have a song about this called Birthday.

Roll out of bed, look in the mirror
And wonder who you are
Another year has come and gone
Today is your birthday
But it might be the last day of your life
What will you do if tomorrow it's all gone?

Look at your life, who do you want to be before you die?
Look at your life, you haven't got forever

And tell me what really matters
Is it the money and the fame?
Or how many people might eventually know your name?
But maybe you touch one life
And the world becomes a better place to be
Maybe you give their dreams another day
Another chance to be free

You won't be young forever
There's only a fraction to the sum
You won't be young forever
Nor will anyone

I remember Spiderman playing it repeat every February 13^th as he looked at what he done the past year to make the world better and what he hoped to do in the coming year to Be the Light. He brought a lot of good into the world, it just was extinguished far too soon. I have his ashes in an urn that is an hourglass to remind me of this song and who I want to be before I die.

The last one will make no sense to anyone but us except maybe Matazone Haggis who created the animated film. Spiderman and I had several ways to say I Love You without using words. The most popular one was this. The sound TK TK TK. A bit like the sound a tap-dancing pigeon might make. This all comes from a hilarious video by Matazone Haggis (creator of Mr Snaffleburger if you know that character) of Skippy the Goth Kangaroo. Which contains the hilarious dialogue:

Skippy the Goth Kangaroo: TK TK TK

Boy: What’s that Skip?

Skippy the Goth Kangaroo: TK TK TK

Boy: Aw, no! Lord Oberon Darkness-of-the Night has fallen down the well?

Skippy the Goth Kangaroo: TK TK TK

Boy: AND he's run out of eyeliner!

You can watch the video HERE.

So, I wanted to create the image of a stone well as viewed from above with TK TK TK inside so I could have a permanent I Love You from my Amazing Spiderman.

That makes a total of 11 tattoos for me this year (and brings the grand total all the way up to 28) but I love reading my body like a map that tells the history of my life but also that is a love note to the life I shared with the most amazing man I ever met.

Merry Christmas everyone and a happy new year!

Spidergrrl x

Insom-nom-nom-nom-nom nia

 Hello Lovelies!

If you didn't see yesterday's post and the start of this series about my new year's motto of "Everything is Figureoutable" then click HERE

Looking at more ways I want my life to be better in 2023 has to start with EATING and SLEEPING. 

I am someone who really needs eight hours of sleep to function. Spiderman could get by with less and never seemed to show any signs of being cranky, but I sure do. 

My days back at LC were a blur of sugar highs and lows (Sugarpuff  Cereal Sandwiches, anyone?) and chronic exhaustion from rehearsals until midnight and then studying until the wee hours of the morning. I felt really ratty for five whole years because of too much crappy eating and not enough sleep. At times I was awful to be around, but Spiderman somehow saw through my RATTITUDE (another portmanteau word I love) and married me anyway.

Unfortunately,  my go-to activities when I am stressed are COMFORT EATING and DOOMSCROLLING. Though (to make myself sound like an old codger) they didn't have phones back in my day to waste time on. Now they do. The more depressed or anxious I am they more I eat sugary crap and stay up past my bedtime. Even when my body is screaming "For Frith's sake, just go to bed!" I am still lying on the sofa  in a state of panic shovelling food into my yawning gob scrolling through my phone without actually looking at anything while my bleary red eyes widen to hold themselves open from the fear that if I let them close I will fall asleep or a Weeping Angel will come and get me. 

Why has it been like this? When Spiderman died I found it very hard to be in bed by myself. It felt very empty and there was no comfort. Because sleeping with another warm body is comfort. We always slept touching. I was the little spoon and if he rolled over in the night our backs instinctively sought the other's warmth and so to sleep alone was cold in every sense of the word. In the early months after his death I avoided going to bed like a frenzied toddler who desperately needs a nap but instead runs around in a circle for three hours. I got a body pillow which did help a bit--it gave the sensation of someone else in our King Sized bed. But it wasn't him.

The other issue was I was buying and eating lots of junk food. Vegans have junk food too and I tried it all. And the problem with the junk food and getting overtired is that by the time I was so shattered I could not stay awake a moment longer then I felt I was too tired to wash my face or brush my teeth for fear of waking myself back up. I paid for that when my skin became dull and spotty and I got a cavity. 

I am lucky that on most days I don't have to be at work until mid-day. But this meant after dragging myself to bed at around 2 a.m. and then taking ages to actually fall asleep (thank you sugar) while having a mild panic attack that I was still awake at 3 a.m. that when my alarm went off I could not get up. I reached for my phone and would snooze in 15-30 minute intervals until I was in danger of being late for work. Then I would come home like a zombie and the house got out of control and there was never any time or energy to tidy (see yesterday's problem) This just couldn't go on.

So what did I do? I made myself get a sleep routine. I thought about what I needed--some calming voice to help direct me to relaxation and some soothing background noises. I tried various sounds and lots didn't work for me. White Noise was like nails on a chalkboard but the lower toned Brown Noise was just right. I found everything I needed on Spotify and made a playlist. 

Here is what I do every night:

10:00pm, no more phone or tablet. I go wash my face and brush my teeth. I wash the dishes so the kitchen will be clean when I wake up.

10:30pm, get into pyjamas and turn the overhead light off and only use the lamp to make me gradually get used to less light.

10:30pm to 11:30pm, read for pleasure. (This will bring me to the second thing on my list today--see below). 

11:30pm, rub a few drops of lavender oil into the soles of my feet--especially up between the big toe and adjacent toe) and put my socks back on 

11:35pm, set the alarm for 7:30am, plug in my phone, turn on the Sleep Playlist, turn off the light and go to sleep. 

I have done this now every night for one week and I cannot believe the difference in my energy. I wake up easily with the alarm and have time to do so many things before I go to work so that when I come home at the end of the day all of the "need to be dones" are complete and so I can concentrate on the "want to be dones."

2. READ

This seems crazy because I am such a bookworm, but the more depressed or anxious I am the less I read. I can't seem to focus, the words swim before my eyes, I can't remember what I read on the last paragraph and what should be lovely becomes horrible. The phone calls to me like a Siren calls to the sailor luring me into mindlessly scrolling because it means I don't have to engage my brain. I spent most of 2020 furious because I had all that time at home when I didn't have to go to work and I couldn't read anything without crying from frustration.

It has been AMAZING to read again. So far in one week I have read two and half books. And it is just making it part of my routine. Booking it in, if you'll excuse the pun. 

3. VEGAN/COOK ONCE EAT TWICE/FREEZE

Having more energy because I am sleeping better means I will make better food choices. Already I am craving less unhealthy stuff. As my old fridge/freezer died right before Christmas, I was forced to buy a new one. This involved a lot of "Everything is figureoutable" mantras because I had to choose a new appliance, order it online, schedule a delivery, move and clean out the old one so the new one could take its place. Now that I have a bigger, better, more beautiful (OK, this last one is less important but I love the fact that I chose a black appliance and all my photos of FAMILY and FRAMILY really pop) I am working hard to do meal prep in both the fridge and freezer to make my life a bit easier (see tomorrow's post) 

Are you struggling with unhealthy eating or poor sleep? If you are, then I hope this will help you. 

2021 Vision

 Hello lovelies! Happy new year! 2020 was rollercoaster year, wasn't it? But it did allow me to see some things clearly:

1. I need routine. And it is hard to impose it on myself, but I must try harder especially as we are yet again in lockdown. 

2. I love my job. I mean I REALLY love my job. I miss it when I can't go to work. I am more productive and happier when I have been at work. I have a really good work-life balance and like to be having both halves of work and life. 

3. I am recharged by interacting with people. I knew this before, but I REALLY learned it over the big lockdown. The Amazing Spiderman is perfectly happy working from home as people drain him, but I was like a flat battery for months. I don't ever want to go out in big noisy groups in crowded spaces (not even before COVID) but I really thrive on some one on one conversations. I like meeting a friend for a hot chocolate in an independent café or going for a picnic in the park to save money. I also really enjoy interacting with customers. We have lots of regulars who pop in regularly (that is the definition of a regular, Spidergrrl!) that I look forward to seeing. Interacting with customers and being helpful is a huge part of my happiness. 

4. I have some control issues. Quite a lot of control issues, and this year has been out of control which has been really hard to cope with. This also ties in with routine because  with Spiderman working from home I could not keep to the routine I liked and found it very hard to take his suggestion to "please just do that some other time." 

5. I have trouble accepting help. I am often out helping people while my battery is on low (another issue I am continually working on) but find it harder to allow someone to help me. My dear old dad once said to me, "Why are you making things harder for yourself?" to which I replied "But it is so much easier to make things difficult!" by which I meant it is so much easier to do it myself that to ask for help. More on this in a bit. 

6. I am not good at sharing. I need my own computer. This was a serious issue during the big lockdown. I am a writer. Blogging takes up a lot of time and research and I am an author who needs to work on her own stories. This was a HUGE issue between myself and the Amazing Spiderman over the big lockdown. I was like Vesuvius waiting to erupt, always boiling and seething under the surface as we both needed to be on the computer at the same time but in the rock/paper/scissors of life--work trumps personal reasons. We have solved this by investing in a second laptop and it has CHANGED MY LIFE. I have written more in the last two months than in the whole rest of the year. 

7. I need more creative outlets. This too was a struggle during the big lockdown when I couldn't go to work.  I started to think about what made me happy and what I missed from my life in England when I worked in a school. There was lots of time for laying about ruminating on what I enjoy that I was not allowed to do while I waited (im)patiently for my turn on the computer. Once I determined what it was, I made damn sure to start doing it the moment I got back to work. More on this later. 

Having gained some extraordinary insight into myself in 2020, I wanted to reflect that in my Vision Board.

What is a Vision Board, I hear you cry? Well, it is part woowoo, part arts and crafts. I like to really think on new year's day what I want to do in the upcoming year and who I want to be (striving always to be a better person). It is not about new year's resolutions--which are easily broken--but just some personal growth goals and a reminder of what makes me happy. By making a tangible reminder of what brings me joy, I can make sure to do it. I then hang it in a prominent place in my craft room and look at it every morning to remind me of what it is important. 

Want to see it? Of course you do.

So what am I doing this year? In no particular order:

1. Being vegan--this is the core of my values. Does it cause death and suffering? Then it is to be avoided. Does it bring life and kindness? Then it is to be celebrated. Compassion is so much better than cruelty. 

2. What am I doing in the world to make it better? Making sure to look for opportunities to make a difference in the world. This has been more important in lockdown....how can help others (making sure that what I choose to do energises me rather than depletes me--setting boundaries.) 

3. I am the chief cook in our house, but this was not always so. When we were first married and I was a full time student and then a full time teacher with a terrible work-life balance, Spiderman did all our cooking. When I wanted to become vegan I learned how to cook (and cook well!) Spiderman is a great cook. he is just much slower than me. I swear the man gets a ruler out when he chops potatoes as they are all identically sized! Since I am often tired from work, he has offered many times to share the burden of cooking. I do not take him up on it nearly as often as I should and then feel resentful as I am tired or my back hurts and it is me doing it. We had a long talk about this and I am going to work harder to relinquish some control in the kitchen. So in 2021, we will be taking turns more. We also will be cooking together more. I can do food prep MUCH faster while we chat about our days and then I can bugger off and do some yoga or have a nap while he does the cooking. Also, I want to make sure to do more advance food prep to make cooking for whoever's turn it is, easier. 

4. Keeping to a loose routine especially in times of lockdown. I don't have to do EVERYTHING in a day, but it would be nice to tick a few things off my enjoyment list (see below) every day. Also writing down a few things in my 2021 diary that I would like to accomplish (or need to be done--I cannot tell you the amount of times I have realised at midnight that something needed to be done for the morning.)  Better organisation and loose routine (especially in lockdown) but also for when I am working to use my time more wisely. 

5. Doing things that bring me joy--making crafts and creating art, reading (and discussing--this year Spiderman will be a judge for the Carnegie and Greenaway awards and so we will get upwards of a hundred books to read and talk about...I made us our own little book club symbol!), making films with my new stop motion animation app. These are all things I am doing for me...but there are several things I do at home that bring me joy that involve work. Sewing fancy dress costumes to wear at the Bookshop (after the big lockdown I have gone to work dressed as Hercule Poirot, the witch from Narnia and a Christmas elf) as well as storytelling. I realised how much I missed storytelling--the research of finding a story that feels right in my mouth, adapting it, memorising it, making costumes or props for it, performing it. Right now it is not possible to have children in the shop for an actual audience but we have gotten round this by having my faithful camera crew Spiderman film me telling tales. Which leads me neatly on to my next intention.

6. DIY. I used to be such a luddite--I only got my first smartphone in 2017 and I always feel like I am behind on technology but this year I taught myself to build a website because some friends with an animal sanctuary needed help. I also taught myself to use video editing software so that we could put up films of my storytelling on the the Goldstone Books YouTube Channel. I used to think that I was not smart enough to do "computer things" but it turns out I was wrong. So this year, with my new laptop that I don't have to share, I am finally working on a project that has been on hold since 2016--turning my epistolary novel into a graphic novel. Yes, I will be teaching myself how to illustrate online by using my my new tech skills to tell my story. Then we will publish my second book! Hoorah! 

7. Coming out of the big lockdown (but still in cautious mode) I was reminded who was in my tribe and who I enjoyed spending time with and who I hadn't missed at all. There are several people I let fade away because they drained me and several people I made an active effort to spent (socially distanced) time with because they energised me. Even now, in our third lockdown, I am making time to have phone calls and texts with people I care about (or send make and send a card if they are struggling) and that connection is keeping my going. 

8. The lockdowns put such a strain on small businesses and several independent vegan businesses have had to close. I work for an independent bookshop and I am all too aware of the national chain right down the road who can sell at a bigger discount than we can. I tried last year to support more small businesses (especially ones that help us cut our waste) and this year I will try even harder. We just booked in an order with Cegin Mam Gu for a three course Greek meal that is vegan and GF and delivered to our door which I am very much  looking forward to since we can't go out for a meal. Which leads me to my next point.

9. Drink more tea. This ticks the box of supporting Tea Traders ( a great independent business in town run by two lovely blokes which sells loose tea) as well as keeping me hydrated. Fruit tea is good hot or cold and I am guaranteed to have less pain and be less cranky if I am drinking some delicious tea.  

10. The self care checklist. Even just 15 minutes a day makes all the difference in my physical and emotional wellbeing. Yoga and strength training for my body (I have let my ab work go this year and I feel it in my lower back), deep breathing and mindfulness (I tend towards hyperventilating and overthinking), more orgasms (they are truly the best pain relief and mood booster I know) and a 15 minute tidy every day instead of letting things pile up until it takes hours to put everything back where it belongs will save my sanity. 

11. Patience. About everything.  Enough said.  

What did you learn about yourself in 2020? What do you hope to do with your life in 2021? 

What We Ate Wednesday for Christmas

Hello lovelies! Happy holidays to you all!

This is my 15th year being vegan and it just gets better and better. Knowing that our Christmas meal is cruelty free makes it even more delicious. Some people think they will feel deprived being a vegan because of "what you have to give up" but really you can count on one hand things you DON'T have and then can count to the moon and back all the scrumptious, healthy (and decadent) things you CAN have. It is truly a win-win situation--for the animals, the planet and your health.

Last night on Christmas eve we ate Christmas Soup by The Happy Pear.  This soup with sweet potato, parsnips and chestnuts topped with cranberries really does taste like Christmas. You can find the recipe in the video below.

This morning we woke up and I made Sinless Sticky Toffee Pudding for breakfast. This recipe has considerably lower fat and sugar than you would find anywhere and bakes up a treat with gluten free flour. You can find the recipe by clicking the link: STICKY TOFFEE PUDDING

Tonight we had a cashew and cranberry nutroast, with a mix of mashed white and sweet potatoes, roasted carrots and parsnips, orange cranberry sauce,  petit pois and lashings of gravy. I bought the nutroast in a "just add water" packet to make life easier. Links below to show you how to make the roasties and the gravy.

ROASTED CARROTS AND PARSNIPS
GOOD GRAVY
Cranberry Sauce
300 g fresh cranberries
1/2 cup water
zest and juice of 1 orange
1/3 cup liquid sweetener of choice (we like it tangy...but if too tart for you add a TB or two more)
Boil until the cranberries pop and break down and it thickens. Let cool.

Mashed Potatoes 
Top tip: boil your taters in vegetable stock then save back some stock when you drain them. Then instead of milk and butter add back some veg stock for the creamiest, most flavorful mash ever!

Tomorrow we will have Chestnut and Mushroom Risotto with Roasted Carrots and Parsnips (see method above). This will use the chestnuts I didn't use in the Christmas Soup and will look something like this:

from last year's Christmas

That's all for What We Ate Christmas....may 2020 be the year that you do something wonderful--GO VEGAN!

~WORLD VEGAN, WORLD PEACE~

Look at your life

Hello lovelies! It's my birthday, hoorah!

I am fifty! Half a century! Wow...how did that happen?

Some people don't like birthdays. I am not one of those people.
                                           
Some people fear getting older. I am not one of those people.

Some people (particularly women) worry about the effects of ageing. I am not one of those women.

Some women fear a milestone birthday because it means they are coming to the end of their fertility and the start of the menopause. I am not one of those women.

I love my birthday because I am so happy to still be here. Every anniversary of my birth is another chance to do good in the world.

I love my birthday because I love getting older. Don't get me wrong, I do not like getting OLD. My joints and chronic pain issues are more and more affected by the cold and damp which is a bit tricky as we live in Wales where it is perpetually cold and damp. But I do love getting older. Every year I am alive is another year that I have been married to the Amazing Spiderman. When I was 27 years old I had to face the idea that I might become a widow as my beloved was not responding to his cancer treatments,but here we are celebrating our 28th Christmas as a married couple. Every year that we get older together is the happiest year of my life.  We are growing older together.

I do understand that it is much harder to be a woman than a man on the ageing front. I get that. A man turns into a silver fox where grey hair is sexy whereas a woman in her thirties is told she is too old to play his love interest in a film. Perhaps I don't fear this as I am lucky to be ageing very slowly. I look basically like I did thirty years ago. If you look closely, there are a few silver hairs and wrinkles at the corners of my eyes. I am not as thin as I was on our wedding day (I was 90 lbs soaking wet) but I am healthier.

We all move through stages of life--maiden, mother and crone. Many of my older friends have alluded to me about the wisdom of the changes that will be coming for me in the next few years. I have to laugh because I am already a crone. I had an emergency hysterectomy ten years ago and so the wisdom phase of my life has already begun.

Birthdays are always a time for reflection. What have I done in the last year that brought Light to the world? What can I do in the upcoming year to make the world better? How can I stand up more effectively for the people and animals who are abused and neglected?

How can I be kinder to myself and judge myself less harshly? How can I love myself as much as I love the world? How can I use my voice to ask for what I need?

None of us know how long we have on this planet. If life is a book, some people only get a few chapters whereas some get a weighty tome. Being fifty years old means that there are more chapters behind me than in front of me. The Cruxshadows' song Birthday says:

So look at your life, who do you want to be before you die? 

Look at your life and what do you want to do.

So look at your life, who do you want to be before you die? 

Look at your life, you haven't got forever.

May this year be one where I learn and grow and help and be wise and surrender what does not bring me peace. 

Recycling with Beyoncé (all the single plastics)

Hello lovelies. I have written over the years about our desire to cut back on our plastic waste. I know we tend to agonise more than the average person on stuff like this, but we still have so far to go.

One of the many reasons we wanted to emigrate to the UK was to be able to less wasteful....to recycle more...to be car free....to cut down on our carbon footprint. And in many ways we have been very successful. When we lived in England we had a glorious farmer's market and got most of our fruit and veg plastic free at really cheap prices. We also used a lot more reusables when we lived in England. Some of those things we let slide when we moved to Wales because they were too expensive. Even now that I have a good job and we have more disposable income, we still need to be cautious with our spending. It means we cannot be as ethical as we would like, but we do our best.

You read about tips and tricks to become ZERO WASTE and see people who fit all their waste for the year in a jar. They talk about all the money they save buying without packaging, but that really isn't the case. We are starting a journey to reduce our waste as much as we can and recycle LESS. I know that sounds mad as I am always banging on about recycling, but really we all need to create less waste. Especially since I recently read an article about how plastics that our councils told us had been recycled had actually been shipped to Malaysia and they were shipping it back.

This prompted me to really crack down and work harder to eliminate single use items. Single use plastics. Single use anything that cannot be recycled.

But cost has to be factored in, unfortunately. I am so thrilled to have a Zero Waste Shop right next door to my job. I shop there as much as humanly possible, but there are a lot of things I cannot afford to buy from her. Things like oats, nuts, gluten free pasta and rice are 3 to 4 times more expensive naked. I can't justify that. I want to, but I can't. But things like spices, vegetables, lentils, polenta and fruit are just a little more expensive than normal and so i buy what I can.

I bought a book called No. More. Plastic. by Martin Dorey. There are lots of good and helpful 2 minute solutions in there. Suggestions like if there is a choice between plastic and glass, choose glass. I have been doing that at only slightly more cost. But somethings like toasted sesame oil don't come in glass. Or sunflower oil.

It also says if a package says not currently recycled don't buy it again. That just won't work. We would never get kale again as I cannot find it anywhere fresh. Or rice. Or pasta. Or nuts at an affordable price. Which breaks my heart, but there you are.

So what are we actually doing to reduce our waste?

1. We always have water bottles with us and utensils in my cutlery wrap so we never have to get disposable stuff when we are out. 

2. It is a struggle to find affordable consumables, but we are vowing not to buy (as much as humanly possible) things that are single use plastics. If I can make it to avoid plastic I will.

3. To replace as many nonconsumables with reusable options. I spent around £30 and invested in some  fabulous silicone mats to eliminate things like parchment paper and cling film as well as some eco kitchen scrubby doodahs (technical term). I am loving all the silicone mats as I used to use an insane amount of parchment paper.  I will be doing a post next week about these and what has worked well and what had worked less well.

4. We currently get our rubbish picked up every other week. We normally put out one black bin bag every four weeks, but we are working toward moving to throwing away a bag of rubbish every six weeks then every eight weeks. 

5. Less recycling. Glass is acceptable as we can take it to the bottle bank. But single use plastics are out and we are decreasing our dependence of tetra packs. I noticed that quite a lot of the bulk of our recycling is drink cartons. We had been buying almond milk, but after a talk with a friend about how thirsty a crop that almonds are I decided to forgo almond milk in a carton and start making my own cashew milk. I bought 2 Kilner style bottles at Poundland and starting this week I will be making my own milk. I did have to get cashews in a plastic bag but I got a kilo for £9.99 so it really means only one bag, not lots of little single bags. Definitely more on this later...I just need to perfect my formula. I am even going to try my hand at supplementing it. Watch this space.

6. Any non recyclable plastics we do have to buy like kale and nuts that come in a big bag get a second use as a bin bag for the bathroom before throwing out. I've also found that crinkly plastics expand and don't stay scrunched up like they should. This means they expand in your bin bag and take up more space. If you use a bag like a rice or pasta bag and a outer bag and fill it with lots of folded scrunchy plastics, they don't expand as much and you can get more in your black bag and it takes longer to fill up, if that makes sense.

I am sure there are more things we are doing, but i really am too tired to think of any more. What are your top tips for reducing your waste?

Memento Mori

It has been a time for grieving. Last night we rescued a pigeon and tried to save its life, but it didn't make it and today we buried a dear friend. Both have caused me sadness.

It's been a difficult couple of days.


Our friend John was  ninety-one. That is an exceptionally good age. Someone remarked that he died of old age, which is practically unheard of these days. Everyone dies of disease. He and his partner Elizabeth were a delightful pair. Even in their advanced aged, both were (still are in Elizabeth's case) sharp as a tack. We shared many laughs over dinner and had many philosophical discussions. We were all pleased to discover a shared love of Archy and Mehitabel  by Don Marquis about a literate cockroach and his alley cat friend. John had what we would call a "cut glass accent." When you think of posh English voices who say things like "Dear boy" and "old chap" and "rah-ther" that was John. Despite being wealthy and posh, he was very down to earth with a silly sense of humour. We discovered at the funeral his middle name was Clive which tickled us all. He sure kept that quiet. But Clive is such a quintessentially British sounding name, it suited him.

  He will be missed.

This was my first British funeral. I had been to Quaker memorial services, but that is different. It is essentially Meeting for Worship with testimonies about the deceased's life. A time where friends could share memories of the deceased.

This was a Church of England funeral. It was held in Saint Martin's Church in Merthyr about 15 minutes from town. This was John's church, but being a small rural church it had a vicar who rotated between other small parish churches and so only met once a month. The other Sundays he went to St Peter's Church in town where so many of our friends attend.

The church was small and damp (the plaster on the walls bubbling slightly and rubbed off on the sleeve of our friend Gareth's jacket) but the service was warm. We sang some of John's favourite hymns--All Things Bright and Beautiful (which always reminds me of the Monty Python version All Things Dull and Ugly) and How Great Thou Art. The last hymn made me tear up quite a bit as it was the "party piece" my dear old dad and I used to harmonise on all those years ago. After the service, we retired next door for tea and sandwiches (I brought my own snacks.)

Now, this may sound like many a funeral you have attended if you are American, but here is where the funeral diverged from my own experience.

First off, very few people are cremated in Louisiana. When my dad was in 2000 (how can it be that long ago??) it was a rarity. Certain family members took it really badly. I remember seeing my father's body in a winding sheet in a cardboard coffin at the funeral home. That is the law in the US. If you are to be cremated, this is how they send you off. He was sent far away, to a destination unknown to us (but my hazy memory is Shreveport) and returned to us a few days later. We had a funeral with his ashes in an urn next to a photo of him in happier, healthier times. The next day the family buried the urn, though we kept some ashes for ourselves. My mother and I each kept some in a nice container and we saved some in a ziplock to throw off the side of his favourite mountain in North Carolina.

This is where the funeral became really interesting. After the funeral, we drove to the crematorium in Narberth. I will repeat that. We went to the crematorium. It was slightly like an assembly line with mourners coming out the right side as we were going in on the left. We walked in and the coffin was elevated behind what looked like a communion rail. The vicar said a few words and then as Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring was played a velvet curtain slowly, mechanically moved in front of the coffin to block it from view. Then I am told that the coffin rolled away on a conveyor belt to be burned. In the US, if you want a body for your funeral service, funeral homes will rent you a coffin with a cardboard interior that could be removed for cremation after. We had my dad cremated first and the urn displayed. In the UK the body is cremated with the coffin which is why by law all British coffins must be combustible. According to Wikipedia: The Code of Cremation Practice forbids the opening of the coffin once it has arrived at the crematorium, and rules stipulate that it must be cremated within 72 hours of the funeral service. They also told Elizabeth no jewellery or shoes as they wouldn't burn cleanly. 

Our friend Soong said that he once went to funeral that had a "spy hole" where you could look at the coffin as it burned. I feel slightly weird but morbidly curious about that. 

I wasn't sure how i would feel being so up close and personal with the cremation. Louisiana made it seem secretive and far away and mysterious. This was just another way to say goodbye. An honest way with nothing to hide. I was worried I would feel upset, but i didn't. 

When the coffin disappeared we were led outside to a walkway with a low table that ran the length of  the walkway. On it were the spray of flowers that had only moments before been on the top of the coffin along with a laminated paper saying John Clive. There were four other sets of flowers and names marking five people who were loved and lost that day. Then you were the ones coming out the right hand door while someone new filed in the left hand side. 

It was a lovely day and I enjoyed hearing about John and things he had done in his life before we met him four years ago. I was glad to have been there in the little church with friends to celebrate his life. I know soon when Elizabeth is up to it we will all meet at Soong's restaurant Sai Wu and eat and laugh and remember our friend John Clive.

We will be thankful for his life and for our own. A funeral reminds that we too will one day die, but also reminds us greatly of what we have.

Grief is the price we pay for love

Yesterday was eighteen years since my dad died. How is that even possible?

For years I suffered terrible from an anniversary grief that would punch me in the solar plexus and squeeze me until I couldn’t breathe and leave me gasping and crying. Then I went through years of anniversary grief where I would just shut down and hibernate until the day had passed. But now, sometimes the day approaches and I don’t even know it is coming until I look at my diary or check the calendar to write down an appointment. Is this good? Is this bad? Am I healing or am I forgetting?

When you lose someone that you love

Are they really lost?

You know where they are:

In an urn

In the earth

In your heart

Can you go on?

Or do you shut down?

Sometimes one and other times the other

Sometimes I miss him so much and the grief is so palpable that

I can’t breathe

I can’t think

I can’t move

I can only cry

But sometimes, whole days pass by

Without a tear or a maudlin thought

When suddenly I realise

I feel

Strange

Confused

Lost

Am I losing him?

Have I forgotten?

And then I look at myself in the mirror

And see his face

Our impossibly low foreheads and strange eyes

One near-sighted

One far-sighted

Both dimmed through too much reading

I think of my brain

That remembers and recalls

Details all

Every fact able to be quoted when needed

I look at my heart

And know I am brave

Brave like he was brave

I stand up

And am counted

I stand up

For what matters

For WHO matters

I got that from him

And so

I know

I am not alone

He is not gone

Or forgotten

He

Is with me

Always

I love you GLT

Progress Not Perfection on my Zero Waste Journey--the First of the Five R's (Refuse)

Greetings and salutations my eco-conscious friends. This is my third post inspired by my recent incredibly waste producing trip to the US where I went to visit my lovely daughter. I  had several panic attacks while there over the amount of rubbish I was single-handedly producing and was gobsmacked by the sheer quantity of single use plastics that pervaded everyday life. If you missed that one and want to read about the 56 single use plastic water bottles I used in two weeks you can CLICK HERE.

When I was growing up, there were only Three R's--Reduce, Reuse, Recycle.  Times have changed. Now there are Five. Because we live in such a throwaway society with all these single use plastics we have to start with the most important R.

Refuse.  Just say no. Which is a lot harder than it seems as my recent trip to the US proved. I thought the UK was bad, but it is a piece of cake compared to the amount of refusing I had to do in the US.

In the UK, they charge you 5p for a plastic bag, so there was an 85% drop in people getting plastic bags. People started to bring their own cloth ones (I upcycled and sewed some from old curtains)  or bought Bags for Life--heavy duty reusable ones that are made from 94% recyclable plastic. Places like Tesco will replace your worn out Bag for Life for free if it is one of theirs.

In the US...a different story. Every. Single. Shop. popped my items in a plastic bag before i could refuse. Even my shouts of "No bag, please!" were ignored. It is just habit for the cashiers. You buy, they bag. My attempts to give back plastic bags were frowned up. The cashier would sigh and screw up their faces because I had messed up the system. The bags are on a special doo-dah (technical term) that held each bag open and made it easy to pop items in. My giving back a bag meant that they would have to fight to bag the next person's items.

And the straws!  For Frith's sake, Every. Single. Place popped a straw into my drink before I could say "No straw!" Boom! It was in there. The one place that brought me a straw in a paper wrapper was Olive Garden. When everyone was opening their straws and putting them in their glass of water I said I wanted to reduce my use of single use plastics, someone in my family actually said to me:

I *always* use a straw. you never know about the cleanliness of the glass. I don't want to put my mouth directly on it. 

She said as she ate with a fork off of a plate. If you are that afraid of grot at the Olive Garden then you shouldn't eat there.

In the UK, we do a pretty good job of refusing...partially because people don't give you stuff like bags or straws. If any of my US peeps want to try this (and I would urge you to do so)....you have your work cut out for you.

In the UK, I nearly always have a water bottle...I think I have bought a single use plastic bottle a dozen times in 14 years. I do have a cutlery bag to carry cutlery and cloth napkins, but I don't always have it with me. I originally made it to go on hikes and picnics. Now I have it with me always. The sorts of places where I eat out give you real silverware not plastic...but there are *always* paper napkins, so now I am prepared to refuse those as well.

Here's my new improved DIY cutlery roll made from stuff I already had. Eagle-eyed friends will recognise this fabric as I have clothes made from it. It's basically two pieces of 10 inch by 14 inch fabric, sewn together on three sides (right sides together), turned right side out and top stitched to close the gap on the open side and folded up 4 inches to make a pocket. I sewed pocket divider lines and attached a button and elastic loop closure. I did the whole thing in a little over an hour.

After seeing all the smug Vloggers with their cute (and expensive) bamboo travel utensils, I was like--I can do better. It would have been even cheaper to just use some cutlery I already owned, but we only have place settings for four and I didn't want to always be shouting, "I know we've got more bloody spoons than this!" at Spiderman. So, I went to a charity shop and bought 2 spoons and 2 forks for 10p each. 40p. Splashing out the big money. They're not matchy-matchy, but oh well.

If you can't sew, why not just reuse something like a pencil case. or if your old pencil case is grotty, buy a new one for like £1.

If I was the sort of person who liked a straw in my drink (or lived in the US) I'd get one of these stainless steel reusable straws:

It even comes with a wee brush for cleaning it. I'm told the trick is to show it to your server when you order a drink to imprint on their mind not to give you one.

I rarely get stuff to go. If we are going to pay to eat out, we are damn well going to sit in and enjoy ourselves. But if you are the sort of person who always gets a Starbucks latte (other brands are available, and might even pay taxes) or whatever, invest in a reusable travel cup because that paper one that you just throw away is lined with plastic and can't be recycled. Plus lots of places will give you a discount for bringing your own. If you want to be all cool and hipster, bring a jar. But be aware that many jars aren't heat proof and might explode, so get a kilner jar which can withstand the heat and has less of a chance of leaking. Personally, glass is HEAVY and a faff to carry about because of the weight and the fact that it is BREAKABLE. (says the clumsy woman with back problems)

I was given one by my lovely daughter, so now, if I want to I can get my hot chocolate with soya milk to go, I can do it guilt free.

A reusable container is one I never thought about carrying. As i said, when we can afford to eat out we tend to eat in the establishment and don't get stuff like takeaways. But what about leftovers? You can ask places to put your leftover food in your own container. Or if you buy a slice of cake from a vegan stall, it can go in your box.

Now, you could spend money on a stainless steel container like the one featured above from A Slice of Green which costs £18 plus postage, or you could dig around in your cupboards and find something you ALREADY HAVE. Which conveniently is the third R in the Five R's--REUSE. Some people just carry a huge ass reused glass jar with them for this purpose.

I am using a BPA  and Phthalate free plastic, leak proof box i got on sale from Tesco for £1.75. It is also much LIGHTER and not BREAKABLE because lugging around a giant jar would be murder on my back.

So here is my DIY Zero Waste Kit. It is made with cheapness in mind--I made the cutlery bag from materials i already had and I spent 40p on cutlery to go in it. I used my regular BPA free water bottle from Wilkos plus my new coffee travel mug that was a gift and a container I got on sale and stuck it in a free bag I got 5 years ago at a science thing.

I can carry it as is or pop it in my backpack. I plan on trying it out Saturday at the Vegan Fayre in town. I will report back on my experiences.

Re-evaluating My Relationship With Plastic, Renewing My Commitment to the Earth

Today is Easter. A time where we renew our faith in both the natural world (spring is here and we watch Mother Earth renew herself) and for all my Christian friends, a time of renewal of faith in the church (with the resurrection of Jesus.)

It is a time for renewal and re-evaluation.

Ever since my trip to the US, I have been reevaluating my relationship with waste. I spent two weeks in Louisiana and my home town STILL doesn’t recycle.

 In 2018.

Does. Not. Recycle.

Other towns do. But not Alexandria. I was incredibly wasteful while I was there, going through single use plastics like water. In fact, many of them contained water. In the UK, I would rarely if ever buy a plastic bottle full of water, but where my daughter lives the city water is not great and the pipes in her house were old and made of lead, so they drank bottled water.

 

I drank four 500ml bottles of water every day for two weeks.

That’s 56 plastics bottles just from me. That does not include other members of her household.

It made me want to cry. I suffered noticeable panic attacks having to throw things away or whenever a cashier tried to give me a single use plastic bag.

I was so relieved to get back to the UK. I could not live like that.

But the whole time I was in the US, I kept thinking “at least you can recycle all this when you get back.”

But coming back, I started to reflect on how much we do for the environment and how much more we could do. I looked at old blog posts about our plastic usage which you can read {HERE} and realised that our plastic usage has increased since we moved to Wales.

Hitchin was a market town and had a huge fabulous food market twice a week. We got 90% of our fruit and veg naked there with no plastic packaging. The food was also really cheap—like a heaping bowl of 10 apples for £1 or 1 kilo of mushrooms in a paper bag for £2. These days, we have nothing like this near us. There is a tiny overpriced veg stall on the Wednesday outdoor market, but all their food is pre-bagged in plastic. I spoke to the man last week saying, “If I wanted to buy these apples, would you pick me out a kilo and put them in my cloth bag?” And he replied, “Here they are, love. Already bagged and ready” as he tried to hand me a plastic bag with apples.

 

These days, as we live on considerably less income than we did when we lived in England, money must be a consideration. The cheapest produce comes from Lidl and is almost always pre-bagged. We have looked at naked produce at Tesco, but it costs more. Considerably more. And prices have been creeping up since we began our ill-advised journey to BREXIT and so our £30 a week for food doesn’t go as far as it should. That means plastic bagged produce for us, sadly. Which means I must start looking for other ways to cut back on rubbish to compensate for this.

I am also more and more convinced that we need to recycle LESS. I know, I am horrified that Alexandria doesn’t recycle, but we can’t just keep buying all these single use plastics and pop them in to our blue bags feeling all virtuous and never wondering what happens to them. Or (God forbid)find out that they are not even actually being recycled at all. I really think we all need to eliminate (as much as possible) our use of single use plastics and THEN recycle what is left.

So, I have been looking at other ways to reduce our waste in other areas. Ways to always have reusables on hand and completely sever ties with single use plastics.

For the next few weeks expect some blog posts about ways that we are doing this.

I hope you’ll join me.