It Takes a Village...

...to raise a Spidergrrl.

Hello lovelies! What an adventure I have had. Anyone who has read my book The Wanting Comes in Waves will know that the last good thing the Amazing Spiderman did for me before he got sick and died was take me to get a mammogram in Pensarn. Well, it is that time again because it has been a little over two years.

This has thrown up lots of issues for me:

• Grief over the fact that I have to do it alone this time (and the memory of what came after the last time)
• Anxiety of all the related things that go with it like how to get there by bus (which bus do I have to get, where does it pick up? How much does it cost? How will i know where to get off?)
• Once I am there the worry that they will find something because many women in my family have had breast cancer
• Then the journey home: where does the bus pick you up to take you home because it is never the same place it dropped you off

The last time all I had to worry about was the actual worry that I might get a diagnosis of breast cancer because Spiderman found the bus times, got us on the bus, got me to the mobile unit in the Morrisons car park and got us on the right bus to come home. 

I just kept thinking, How can I do this alone? 

Several people said  Oh, you can walk to Morrisons! it takes about 15 minutes. it's easy! you just have to do things like:

go OVER a bridge

go UNDER an underpass

go THROUGH a tunnel

and then it just became a list of prepositions and that was even worse than trying to figure out the bus. I think these people have seriously underestimated just how lost I can get. The bus is stressful, but walking it blindly through Preposition Land is terrifying. maybe if i had  time to do a practice walk with a friend like Spiderman used to do with me, but not without having a go a few times before the actual day. I will take my chances with the bus. 

I know it seems silly. I am a grown-ass woman. I should be able to do this. But i really struggle with reading a bus timetable. How can I figure out what bus i need if the timetable looks like this? 

Seriously. It might as well be written in Chinese because I cannot make heads of tails of it. 

I have just been talking and talking to Spiderman asking for his help from beyond the grave to help me figure out how in the hell I can do this without him. 

And he came through. He sent me ALL THE ANGELS.  I mean, seriously. There were angels every step of the way. 

First, I had no idea what bus to catch. How do you find that out if you can't read the bus timetable? 

FIRST TWO ANGELS: My colleague Paul at work remembered that one of our regular customers Chas takes the bus that passes Morrisons. He emailed Chas for me and asked what bus he took. Chas confirmed that i need the X11. He told me where he catches the bus and it was outside my favourite YMCA charity shop. Chas came by the shop the next day and talked me through it in person as he knew i was anxious about transport issues. 

ANGEL NUMBER THREE: I now knew my bus number and where to catch the bus, but how would I know the bus times? My dear friend and neighbour Sian and I went out for a cuppa before work and I mentioned my predicament. She told me all about the TRAVELINE CYMRU app which lets you plug in where you are, where you want to go, and the time and date you are going and POW! it tells very clearly all the information you need and more! Isn't this so much easier to read???

So, today I had to completely rearrange my schedule. My Angel colleague Paul swapped shifts with me so i could get to my 3:20pm appointment. We also swapped book clubs. I did his book club today from 1-2pm and he will do mine next week on Tuesday night. 

After book club i changed into leggings and a t-shirt to make getting my boobs out a bit easier then I went down to the YMCA. I decided  I was in plenty of time to catch the 14:13 bus (2:13 to my American peeps) and I could just mooch around Morrisons supermarket for an hour as the bus ride was about ten minutes.   

There was still that worry about how will I know where to get off the bus. Several people said it would be OBVIOUS but they have not counted on how crap I am at spotting (or rather missing) landmarks.

Enter ANGEL NUMBER FOUR: The lovely Christine from book club which had disbanded a mere 10 minutes ago came over and said, "Oh are you taking this bus as well?" I confirmed I was. I explained that I was nervous about where to get off and she offered to DING the button for me at my stop. What a relief. And it really was a relief. I was staring with my X-Ray vision out the window looking for the obvious sign that said MORRISONS in big ole letters when i heard the bell go DING and Christine shout, "This is your stop!" I am eternally grateful as all I could see was this hugh-jass hedge so i would have never known it because i was looking in the wrong direction. 

ANGEL NUMBER FIVE: the bus driver. He was incredibly patient with me and told me where to pick up the bus on the way back. It involved crossing the very busy road and he told he me to use the crosswalk to get across. I hadn't even seen the crosswalk as i was too busy imagining myself as a real life FROGGER tried to hop across the road to the alligators on logs (well, the return bus shelter.)

I had an hour to potter around Morrisons so i found a few treats on special offer like this crazy delicious palm oil free chocolate spread. I bought two but after tasting it, wish i had bought the lot. YUM.

Then it was time for the ole mammogram which Spiderman described as a boob sandwich between two panes of glass. They let me in at 3:15pm for my 3:20 appointment. It took literally five minutes which included going over my details twice, taking off my bra, getting squished two different ways and getting dressed again. 

Before I went in I wished I had gone for a wee but when I came out i didn't need to go anymore so it must have been just nerves. 

I looked at the Traveline app and it looked like i would need to wait until 15:54 (3:54 for my American peeps) to return to Carmarthen so i went over to the crossing, pushed the button, stopped the cars and crossed over. I was resigned to wait for 30 minutes when lo-and-behold an X11 bus was trundling our way. The mammogram had happened so quickly I had managed to catch the 15:24 (3:24) back to town. And just like that I was back on familiar ground by 3:38. 

I am so insanely proud of myself for figuring it out without crying that I feel like I have climbed Mt Everest. It feels stupid because taking the bus should be a life skill, but it is not one I acquired because Spiderman was the great navigator. But now i know I can do it though I could not have done it without all the ANGELS. 

Thanks Best Beloved. 

Grief is the price we pay for love

Yesterday was eighteen years since my dad died. How is that even possible?

For years I suffered terrible from an anniversary grief that would punch me in the solar plexus and squeeze me until I couldn’t breathe and leave me gasping and crying. Then I went through years of anniversary grief where I would just shut down and hibernate until the day had passed. But now, sometimes the day approaches and I don’t even know it is coming until I look at my diary or check the calendar to write down an appointment. Is this good? Is this bad? Am I healing or am I forgetting?

When you lose someone that you love

Are they really lost?

You know where they are:

In an urn

In the earth

In your heart

Can you go on?

Or do you shut down?

Sometimes one and other times the other

Sometimes I miss him so much and the grief is so palpable that

I can’t breathe

I can’t think

I can’t move

I can only cry

But sometimes, whole days pass by

Without a tear or a maudlin thought

When suddenly I realise

I feel

Strange

Confused

Lost

Am I losing him?

Have I forgotten?

And then I look at myself in the mirror

And see his face

Our impossibly low foreheads and strange eyes

One near-sighted

One far-sighted

Both dimmed through too much reading

I think of my brain

That remembers and recalls

Details all

Every fact able to be quoted when needed

I look at my heart

And know I am brave

Brave like he was brave

I stand up

And am counted

I stand up

For what matters

For WHO matters

I got that from him

And so

I know

I am not alone

He is not gone

Or forgotten

He

Is with me

Always

I love you GLT

Being Elsa

This post is not a pretty one because I am about to expose some of my worst qualities.

No one likes to think they are flawed, but we all are. No one is perfect. We all struggle. We all have our own personal demons. We all "wrestle with an angel until the breaking of the day."

The things I like best about myself  are my exuberance for living and my generous nature. I am often so happy that I am actually dancing down the street. I laugh openly and loudly and everywhere I go, I have a wonderful time. I love to do things for others, I get enormous pleasure baking, making cards, doing sewing repairs and sharing the love. You need something done? If I am capable of doing it, it is done. Need something I have? You can have mine. What can I give here instead of What can I get here is my motto.
                                 
But there is dark side that lurks in my heart that is full of anger and bitterness.

If holding grudges were an Olympic sport..I *just* might win a medal. Not the gold...but definitely the silver or bronze.

And that really shames me.

Because I am such a passionate and dramatic person, I can't seem to simply *retell* a story..I have to *relive* it. So just telling Spiderman a story of something that happened where I felt hurt means that I feel hurt all over again.

I am a sensitive soul, and I have always subscribed the philosophy:

Hurt me once, shame on you.

Hurt me twice, shame on me. 

Which sounds like I am releasing the person and the letting go of the pain they caused, but clearly I am not. Just ask me about the time that my grandmother stole my play-doh when I was three and smashed up my elephant and made a kangaroo and liked it so much she decided to KEEP IT...well, you can see I'm still not quite over that one 44 years later. 

So what has triggered this bout of self reflection?

This year is my 30th high school reunion.

Yeah, I am old.

And because a Face Book page has been set up so everyone can discuss the reunion, I have had several unexpected friend requests.

These have been from people who really did a great job of trying to make me feel small and insignificant back in high school. They seemed offended by my zest for life and bizarre fashion sense and made it their mission to belittle me with hurtful words or withering glances and now they wanted to be my friend.

I was troubled by this (to say the least).

My first reaction was a foolish prideful one that went something like this:
                                                 

Yes, of course I would be delighted to be your friend and give you a window into my life. You once spread rumours that I should be voted Most Likely to Commit Suicide by the age of 25 (and insinuated that I aught to go ahead and do it to decrease the surplus population). You will see that I am really happy and blissfully in love with my best friend. We have lived in two different countries in the UK and are incredibly successful. Ha ha! You are stuck at a job (that I hope) you hate back in po-dunk Louisiana while I am swanning around Europe. Suck on that!! 

                                                     
I wasn't proud of that reaction, either.

I thought about the times that I had also made someone else's life unpleasant. I am ashamed to say, I can think of several. I have tried over the years to make amends for the wrong I have done others. Perhaps these people have regrets as well. I have grown up a lot and become a better person in the last 30 years, perhaps they have too.

Or perhaps they haven't.


The wise Sufi poet Rumi says:

Spotting faults in others is easy

and rehashing them, even easier,

but recognising your own faults

is real mastery.

The Bible says something similar:

Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but fail to notice the beam in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’’ while there is still a beam in your own eye? You hypocrite! First take the beam out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:3-5

If I really wanted to release negative thoughts and feelings once and for all, I was going to have to dig deeper into myself. Because who is being hurt by holding on to feelings of anger and bitterness? ME, that's who. Not them. ME.

                                    

My new morning routine includes positive affirmations, circuit training and prayers all at the same time in an effort to feed two birds with one loaf  (the proverb formerly known as kill two birds with one stone) and has proved to be enormously effective in strengthening my body, mind and spirit. I spent several days sweating it out with God, pouring my heart out to Him. Then throughout the day I would listen and hear what He wanted me to do. 

This is what we have come up this:

1. I do not have to accept their friend request. 

2. I do have to pray for them 

(But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless those that curse you, do good to those that hate you, and pray for those who speak evil about you, and persecute you; Matthew 5:44)

3. I do have to spend time every day sending them love and positive thoughts. I must wish for them everything that I desire for myself e.g love, health, a home, nutritious food, friends etc. I have to do do this until my heart is no longer on fire with anger and bitterness. 

Only if I do these things will I be able to be Elsa and be able to

                                     

          So here I am on day four of "letting it go." It feels pretty good. I feel like early Quaker Robert Barclay who said:

I found the evil in me weakening and the good raised up.         

Amen.     

All Those Years Ago

Today is pretty special for us. The day that started it all.

It was 1989.  John David was having a birthday. I knew him from high school. Spiderman knew him from RA camp where they had been counselors together and Lottie knew him because their dads were friends.

Lottie invited me to the party that was being held at Louisiana College, in the common room of English Village. Before you get too excited about the term "party," let me just remind you that this was a Baptist party. So if you are thinking loud music, dancing and drinking you can just wipe that image from your mind. It was more of a Scrabble and cake sort of party. More on the cake later.

So, I was feeling a bit bored by the whole party business because I love to dance and there wasn't gonna be any dancing here. When the Scrabble board arrived and was met with an enthusiastic cheer, I knew it was time to go home.

I do not play Scrabble.

But then, I heard it. A voice. A voice singing. A voice singing FRANK ZAPPA. Who in this Baptist college knows Frank Zappa besides me? I heard it again. Ship arriving too late to save a drowning witch. It was not mistake. I looked frantically around to see who it was and it was Spiderman.

Now, I had known Spiderman for a whole semester and we had gone on many group outings together, but not once had I ever heard him speak. He was always polite and did things like held the door open for me or brought me another glass of grape juice at lunch, but had I ever heard him speak aloud? No, I had not. He was very shy, you see.

(I asked him later why Frank Zappa? And all he could say was "I could tell you were about to go and I had to do something to make you stay.")

So, we walked away (far away) from the Scrabble game and sat by ourselves.

This is where the magic happened.

We talked. We talked and talked and laughed and laughed. We discussed the Romantic poets. He liked Keats and Shelley, I fancied Wordsworth, but we both could agree on Coleridge. We recited the entire dead parrot sketch from Monty Python and laughed until I fell off the sofa.

The air crackled. I could feel myself falling in love. Honestly, like all those cliched films where Cupid comes out and shoots someone in the heart and little cartoon hearts blip and twinkle above their heads. It was like that.

I suddenly had this idea that I really needed to make a good impression. The more excitable I get, the less dignified I am. I start to flap my hands like a insane goose trying to fly south for the winter. So, I thought of a solution.

Cake. I could have a slice of cake. If I was holding a plate and a fork, I could not flap like I was trying to fly to the moon. So I had a slice of cake.

It was all going so well. We talked about music and were going through the entire catalogue of Peter, Paul and Mary songs when someone said:

Where's the cake?

I realised, to my horror, that I had eaten the ENTIRE birthday cake. I had eaten it all myself. Eight slices. In front of him. 

I had tried to be dignified and instead had made an utter tit of myself. I burned with shame. 

In my defence, it was a German chocolate cake.
             
(I asked him later what did he think as he saw me go back for piece after piece of cake. he replied that he couldn't believe a 90lb waif could pack away that much food. It was apparently pretty impressive.)

I recovered my composure and hid my plate under the sofa. we continued to talk and I wondered if I had blown it. He could never love someone like me. It was many years later that I found out that he had already loved me. Ever since he saw me in the play Tartuffe in 1988. He had loved me for a whole year and been too shy to talk to me. That's why he didn't want me to leave. Hence the Frank Zappa.

At about 3am, it was time to go back to our respective dormitories.

He hugged Lottie goodbye.

He hugged her roommate Lisa goodbye, in what I judged to be longer than the hug he gave Lottie. (He says this wasn't so. He said he hardly knew Lisa.) I was mortified. What if all night he had been forced to talk to the mad cake eating woman who flapped her arms and threatened him with a fork if he dared leave the sofa?

I nearly started to cry. Because, you see, I loved him. I loved him already.

Then he hugged me. I was so ashamed that I tried to pull away and he wouldn't let me. He held me in those strong arms and I melted. The whole rest of the world faded away and we were actually in the night sky surrounded by stars. I know that sounds like a crap metaphor for love in a badly written romance novel, but it is true. Every word. We hugged for ages until someone went, "OooOooo," and everyone laughed. We broke apart and began to walk back to our dorms.

As we walked along the boardwalk, my feet didn't touch the ground. I know that is also a well worn cliche, but it is 100% true. I actually looked down and I was levitating slightly. Hand on heart, that really happened.

We got back to Cottingham, and we were all going to have a slumber party in one room. Everyone else was tired, but I was wide awake.It looked something like this:

Me: Wasn't he wonderful? he's so funny and clever. Do you think he likes me??
Everyone else: Shut up and go to sleep, it's almost 4 in the morning!!!

The next day, self doubt kept creeping in. I felt like he was my soul mate, but did he feel the same way? I was suddenly tongue-tied. Thankfully Lottie knew what to do.

Basically, she did the grown up equivalent of that eighth grade game:

Do you like Spidergrrl? 

Circle one

Yes       No

She phoned him up and asked him. I was in the TV room watching The Comic Strip Presents. It was the episode Consuela, or the new Mrs Saunders. Lisa came flying through the double doors and screamed, "he likes you! he says he likes you!" 

And that was it really. 

From that day in 1989 to the present, we have been inseparable. 

So thank you, John David for being born. Thank you for knowing Lottie who could invite me to your birthday party. Thank you  Lottie, for being brave enough to ask. And thank you to Spiderman, whose love transforms me. 

For thy sweet love remembered such wealth brings

that then I scorn to change my state with kings. 

What Hatred Breeds, We Must Resist

I am deeply troubled about the situation in both the UK and US. During the referendum to decide whether the UK should stay or leave the European Union, there was so much talk about “us and them”—about “our kind and their kind”—about “white and anything else.” This sort of talk swayed many voters. Being part of the single market means the free movement of goods, services, capital, and people. The problem was how much emphasis was put on the free movement of people and no one quite considered the effect BREXIT would have on the free movement of goods, services, and capital.

In the US, I see Donald Trump and his supporters banning people—“Those people”—“not our kind of people”—different people”—“poor people.”

Neither country has looked at the heart of an individual, but rather looked upon his or her external qualities with suspicion and contempt. They could only see the differences.

We have more in common than we think.

Daisaku Ikeda said: When stones are cast at good people, when the rights of honest, hard-working people are trampled, we should be angry! When anyone anywhere around the world discriminates against another, we should burn with indignation! Raise your voices! Nothing suits the authorities better than the apathy of the people, then their feeling of powerlessness and their acceptance of violations of human rights."

And yet, I see many of my American friends burying their head in the sand and saying “It will be fine. God is in control. It’s only for four years, at the worst eight. Any executive orders that Trump signs can be undone by whoever follows him.”

This breaks my heart. I do not understand how those who profess to be people of faith can stand by and watch others suffer. Closing your eyes to the danger doesn't make it go away. Hoping or praying for things to change is not enough. We must all speak up, and we must speak up now.

To paraphrase John Donne:

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend’s or of thine own were: any man’s [suffering] diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee.

I do not understand how the British people cannot see that being connected to Europe, to welcome the world with open arms, rather than turning our backs on it is a good idea.

When we see others being marginalised and do nothing, our silence will not provide protection. If we think it is acceptable to do this to others, then what happens we become the others? 

 Martin Niemöller famously said:

 First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—

Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.

In the 1960s Martin Luther King, Jr. said: History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamour of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people.

I have no problem with saying God is in control. But I truly believe what is happening is God is calling us to wake up. To remember who we are, who he wants us to be. If I truly believe that God is a God of Love and light in the darkness and I am made in his image, then I need to be out there being a beacon of love to all those who are in need.

At the end of my life, when I am asked What did you do? Who did you help? How did you show love and compassion? I want to have an answer.

Edmund Burke said, The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

We must pray and then put our prayers into action. We must be the voice for the voiceless.

I leave you with this prayer. It is a Franciscan Benediction and always gives me strength.

May God bless us with discomfort
At easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships
So that we may live from deep within our hearts.

May God bless us with anger
At injustice, oppression, and exploitation of God's creations
So that we may work for justice, freedom, and peace.

May God bless us with tears
To shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger, and war,
So that we may reach out our hands to comfort them and
To turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless us with just enough foolishness
To believe that we can make a difference in the world,
So that we can do what others claim cannot be done:
To bring justice and kindness to all living beings.

Amen

What I Am Fighting For

I came across this short film today and it hit me right where it hurts.

I saw the world as it is and it reminded me what I am fighting for.

It reminded me why I am vegan and an environmentalist and what that means to me.

Humankind is destructive. FACT.

God has entrusted us with the care of this green and blue planet and we seem to do nothing but pollute it, destroy it, use and abuse it. So many people only think of themselves --satisfying every momentary desire and whim without thinking of the consequences.

Because they think they are the
Top of the Food Chain
King of the Hill
Pinnacle of Creation 
it gives them the right to treat every living being as a vending machine and fill our world with garbage. Wherever they go, humans seem to leave a path of destruction in their wake.

You should definitely watch this with the sound up as Grieg's In the Hall of the Mountain King really enhances the film.

Here is everything that is wrong about humanity in one short film.

Steve Cutts has just become my favourite animator.

I also saw this on his Facebook page and it hurt because it is so true. Why do we do this?

Celebrating fish in their natural habitat

He has also recently done the animation for Moby's new video. I like Moby because he is an outspoken Vegan and spreads compassion with his music. I am not necessarily a fan of his style of music, but I appreciate what he does.

This video, with its fantastic mix of modern technology and retro style drawing is truly mesmerising.  It features something else that feel needs fighting against. 

Many people have said this is meant to be anti-technology and I don't believe that. It is meant to be anti-selfishness. Anti-coldheartedness. Against being anti-social. 

These days, how often do you have a proper conversation with someone?

How often do you sit down for a meal and really talk and listen to others? 

When was the last time you talked to someone about your hopes and your dreams? 

When did you last put down your phone?

With technology that allows us to be connected 24/7, it is easy to spend our lives virtually, rather than in person. To me, this is another kind of destruction--the destruction of the soul. I think you lose yourself without true face-to-face interactions with people. You lose sight of who you are online. It is all too easy to become a troll and say things you would NEVER say in person because of the anonymity of the internet. You can forget who you are because you spend all your time documenting your life with a selfie, presenting the best version of yourself which is not the real version of yourself. We all have have our ups and downs.  But if people only show the edited, cleaned up version of themselves then it is easy to feel more inadequate about yourself because it seems that your life is not as "perfect" as everyone else's. This is what technology can do to us.  

OK, so maybe there is a hint of anti-technology there as well. 

I originally watched the video with the sound off and I was deeply moved. I watched it again with Moby's music and I was glad I had already seen the video so I could concentrate on the song, because I might have been distracted by the song if I was trying to absorb all the messages from the video. So it is up to you how you would like to watch it. I recommend watching it both ways--sound off then sound on,but it's your call. Just watch it. 

So be kind. 

Spread love and compassion.

Keep your country tidy.
Stand up for what you believe in.

Put down your phone and look into someone's eyes when you speak to them.

Listen.

Be Vegan, Make Peace. 

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall....

....Oh to see ourselves as others see us.

In my job as a private tutor we have been doing a month long book study about my favourite book The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum.  It is always enlightening to share this book with someone who is unfamiliar with it, especially if  they only know the film version.

The main characters all have a fervent desire for something they truly believe they don't possess.

The Scarecrow wishes for brains, but comes up with loads of clever ideas to help them through their journey such as suggesting how they could build a raft to travel down a river or use a tree as a bridge to cross a canyon.

The Lion believes himself to be a coward, but shows many acts of bravery such as fighting the Kalidahs (head of a tiger, body of bear).

The Tin Woodman thinks he has no heart and desires one so he can love and be kind and yet he repeatedly shows great depth of feeling. My favourite example is where he accidently trods on a small beetle and it causes him to cry so much he rusts his jaw shut. The Tin Woodman is almost like a Jain Monk here--even the smallest insect matters.

Often we already  have the very qualities that we wish to acquire.

But the reverse is true as well.

Sometimes how we see ourselves is more generous than is actually true.

I received this in my inbox recently and it got me thinking.


I know LOTS of big-hearted people in the world. People who care deeply for animals. People who are shocked and appalled by animal cruelty. People who would adopt every stray that they meet. People who would do anything, give anything they had for the animals in their care.

But only SOME animals.

Furry animals.
Cute animals.
Dog and cats.
Pets.

It is a type of selective compassion. It is a type of speciesism.  It is saying that "some animals deserve our care and love and some do not."  The magnificent book Why We Love Dogs,  Eat Pigs and Wear Cows: An introduction to Carnism  by  Melanie Joy  delves into this idea.

I know and love many good hearted people who see themselves as good hearted people. They see themselves as kind and compassion, as a righter-of-wrongs.  But they are selective in who they extend that compassion to.

I was once like this. I was a big-ole animal lover (despite my crippling allergies to most conventional pets) who from my teens was a passionate animal rights activist. I researched and boycotted companies who tested their cosmetics and shampoos on animals. I refused to buy Tide to wash our clothes because of P&G's record of animal abuse. I gave a shit about animal testing long before *anyone* else I knew did.

But I was still eating animals.

I hadn't made the connection.

It took me many years for my eyes to open and see that ALL animals deserve our respect. ALL animals deserve our compassion. ALL animals have a mother and NO animal wants to die.

I think of what I want for myself-- a life free from fear and pain. Why would I not wish this for every living being on this planet? This is universal compassion. 

Being a vegan is the best thing I ever did with my life. It is my proudest achievement. Because I know, that every choice I make is a choice to end suffering for ALL of God's creatures (not just SOME) and that everything I do with my life is in the spirit of LOVE.

Peace Begins On Our Plates.

I want the world to wake up and think about the pets they adore and see every animal in the same light--with the eyes of love and compassion.

I have a dream......

I am giving up "arson" for Lent

I am giving up arson for Lent.

No the burning stuff kind of arson.

Arsin' about. Wasting time. Procrastinating. Avoiding tasks.

Because i do not have a regular schedule to my day--sometimes I am working and sometimes I am not--I find more and more that I am arsing about.

Aw, who didn't love Sea Monkeys?

It is easy to do. Thanks to YouTube there are toy adverts from the 70s to wax nostalgic over, music videos from the 80s to dance to, clips of sketches from Saturday Night Live from throughout the ages--the funny and the unfunny to watch.

There is the bottomless pit known as Yahoo News (and I use the term news in the loosest possible sense) where I can read about celebrities I don't know doing things I don't care about.  I can learn hacks for my chopsticks--great! Now I need to learn to use chopsticks before i learn a hack for doing other things with them.  Now I can watch people I don't know getting their face smashed into a cake or falling while taking a selfie. I can watch it and feel my life's energy and will to live slip away.

Yet still i watch it.

For hours.

I never mean to. I always say I will only watch one thing and then it spirals out of control.

But secretly, deep down...I know why I do it.

from lifehack.org

I am afraid of failing. We have lived in Wales for a year and a half and i have yet to get regular employment. I am actually mostly ok with this--because the irregular employment is very good. I work odd days here and there in my friend's shop.  I am also a private tutor to two delightful home educated children once a week. I am born to be a teacher and so this brings me unimaginable joy as well as a bit of cash. The only problem is I wish i had more students.

 And how does one get more students? By advertising--by putting myself out there. To make posters and bookmarks and work at it to get someone to notice me and be willing to let me teach their children.

To face rejection if no one else is interested in my services.

I watch YouTube so i don't have to have people reject me.

Not having a regular work day *should* enable me to spend more time (because I have more time) doing the things I love--playing the ukulele, reading, designing and making jewellery.

Twathammer

But somehow it doesn't. Something is making me read that Kanye West is saying he is broke on Yahoo news and laughing because he has no idea what financial hardship feels like. So what am i avoiding?

Again--rejection. In December i wanted to open an Etsy shop. For those of you who don't know ETSY is a place where you can sell your crafts online. I spend a month making things, photographing things (which was hard without natural light--we had 40+ days of rain and the house was dark) and getting things ready.

Then came the bit where you have to write it all up online and upload photos and set prices and make banners for the shop and think really hard about things and make them perfect.

Perfect shop--so that people will want to buy from me.
Perfect items--so that people will want to buy from me.
Perfect prices--so that people will want to buy from me.

And the nagging feeling that nothing is perfect especially me sent me into a month of watching YouTube in my pyjamas. Did you know you can watch Lifetime Movies on YouTube? Well you can. Dreadful, based on a true story garbage that makes your worries about perfectionism disappear.

No one can ignore me, reject me or even see me if I stay home and arse about.

So what am i doing for Lent? First and foremost, reminding myself that No one fails who does their best for God. 

Secondly, i am banning both YouTube and Yahoo News from my life. I am prayerfully asking God to help me face my fears and get the lead out.

Because I have to TRY. I might not succeed, but if i don't even make an attempt to do these things then I will  definitely NEVER succeed.

I need to change my thinking. To stop worrying about the past and recalling in painful detail the six (count 'em six) interviews i had last year where it went *so* well where they thought I was "amazing" and "fascinating" but didn't give me the job.  And obsessing negatively about the future--whatever i have to offer nobody will want.

I am resolving to stay in the present moment. To notice anxiety and kindly tell it to sod off and then to breathe deeply. I am taking a free online course though Future Learn about Mindfulness. I am already in week two and feeling the benefits. it is a free online course and i would highly recommend it. Go here for details: https://www.futurelearn.com/courses/mindfulness-wellbeing-performance


Did you know that anxiety and worry keeps you in that fight or flight mode and your body can not only become mentally ill with all that negativity and tension but physically ill as well? I want to get out of that kind of thinking.

I want to stop obsessing over what I lack. Because, when you really look at it--i am living in abundance. 

I have a roof over my head.
I have delicious, healthy food on my table.
I have my health.
I have a soul mate who loves me.
I have friends.
I am full of creativity.
I live the life others can only dream of--safely immigrating to another country  without being hated or shunned or labeled or feared.  We are so lucky and blessed to live in the green valley of Wales.

What do i lack? More regular employment. Is that it? Seriously, is that it? What else do i have?
Time to write for the blog.
Time to play music.
Time to read.
Time to pray.
Time to create.
 Would I like more regular employment? Yes of course. Would I like more money? Sure. Our budget is tight as a drum, but we are always (and I mean ALWAYS) taken care of by God. There is plenty for everything we need. For example, I have seven days of shop work coming up which will pay our rent for the month. Just like that.

Since we have redefined what we want in life--what is important to us--then pretty much that is taken care of too.

Would I like to have more money to throw at our debts? Hell yea. Would i want more money to put towards our retirement? Uh-huh.

But if I am in the moment and really trying to live Luke 12:22-34 then i am better off.

Do Not Worry
 22Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. 23 For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. 24 Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! 25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life[a]? 26 Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

27 “Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labour or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendour was dressed like one of these. 28 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith! 29 And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. 30 For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31 But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

32 “Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. 33 Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. 34 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

So for Lent, I want to change myself, to change my attitudes and fear of failure and face my fears. To feel the fear and do it anyway.

We are only a few days in and already I am seeing a profound change in my attitude and my use of time.

What are you doing for Lent?

The newest way to kill yourself (and the animals and the planet)

The World Health Association (WHO) announced last week that red meat and processed meat (things like bacon, sausage and hotdogs) are a carcinogen in the same category as alcohol, smoking, asbestos and plutonium. 

A carcinogen. That means causes cancer. That's scary stuff.

Bowel cancer is on the rise and people who eat 50g of meat a day (less than 2 strips of bacon) have an 18% higher risk of developing bowel cancer.

The WHO rank meat in their top category which should say something. But will it? I have heard more and more people say things like, "Well you have to die of something." I seriously don't understand this way of thinking.

Welsh for No Smoking

Smoking in all enclosed public places  has been illegal in the UK since around 2007. This is great for asthmatics like me who don't want to be breathing all your dirty smoke, thank you very much. Another law has been passed recently that it is illegal to smoke in a car if children are present because we know the dangers of second hand smoke. But is it illegal to give your child a bacon sandwich or sausage roll?

Maybe it should be.

Meat just is bad for everyone concerned. it is bad for your health--full of fat, cholesterol and hormones. Don't get me started on people who would rather take a dozen pills for illnesses like high cholesterol rather than change their diet. A diet free from animal products can reverse many major diseases including diabetes. FACT. Why would anyone knowingly put something that causes cancer into their body?

It is the same for dairy. There is a strong link between dairy consumption and breast cancer. Why would any woman continue to consume it, particularly if she has a family history of breast cancer? I will tell you why. We have been brainwashed all of our lives by the Dairy Industry to believe that we *need* dairy to get calcium--when in fact dairy does the opposite if we have a diet high in salt. It actually leaches calcium from your bones.

Sad but true.

And where do we get most of the salt in our diets? From processed meats.

it has been established that meat is bad for your health. It is also colossally bad for the environment. Animal agriculture contributes more to green house gases than the aviation industry or all the cars on the road. So for all those people who religiously plant trees to offset their carbon footprint from travel--you'd be better off giving up meat.

We bring over 2 billion animals into this world EACH YEAR with the sole purpose of taking their lives--often when still a baby. Clearly if the demand for meat went down because people were concerned about their health or the environment then of course the animals would be thankful.

click to see it bigger

I am a vegan for these reasons--for the animals, for my planet and for myself. Now with overwelming evidence from the WHO I hope others will make the connection too.

Think of yourself, Think of our mother the Earth. Think of compassion.

Make the connection.

Last of the Summer Wine

We had our annual Llansteffan Castle picnic a week or so ago. It’s called Last of the Summer Wine just because it is the last bit of warm summer before the cold and rains of autumn rear their heads. This picnic was one of the first outings we did with Carmarthen vegans last year and it was extra thrilling to be doing it again. We got to be firm members of the group, welcoming new people unlike last year when we were the newbies.

 

Also, after the hike in the Brecon Beacons where is was clear I needed more sturdy shoes a blessing occurred. I was all set to cough up the £45 I needed to buy a pair of waterproof hiking boots from Charlie’s when lo and behold my beloved discount German grocer Lidl had pairs on sale for £15. That’s right. I bought one, Spiderman bought one, I went and back and bought another pair for when the first ones wear out because I hate shoe shopping. I told all my vegan peeps and Kathryn, Peter and Susie bought some. So now we’re all twinkies (twins!)

 

Anyway, I had mine on for this walk and you might can catch a glimpse of them.

 It starts down below by the River Tywi estuary. This is the view from the car park where we wait for everyone to arrive.

 

There were many little friends out and about.

can you see his little eyestalks?

lots of little friends

 

 Then we all walked together up the steep road.

heigh ho, heigh ho! It's up the hill we go!

 

We saw at least one little eight legged friend on the way up.

can you see her hiding in her web?

 

An artistic view of the castle we were headed up to complete with spooky old gnarled tree.

 

Then we arrived at the top of the ruined castle. This is the view looking outward.

 

Then we all sat down in a circle and ate ourselves silly with delicious vegan food.

 

This is what the ruined castle looks like.

 

This is the view out to sea.

 

This is the view if you climb to the top of the ruined castle.

 

Or if you look through an arch.

 

Here is me by the old well holding the well key pretending to be the evil Dodge in the form of the dark lady from our favourite graphic novel Locke and Key by Joe Hill, illustrated by Gabriel Rodriguez. I am putting on my evil face which Spiderman says is less effective due to the wee flower in my hair. Go figure.

 

scarier than me

 Here’s another little fuzzy friend found on the castle walls.

 

Not sure what was happening here. I was standing up to avoid sitting on the rocky wall but it somehow looks like I am the teacher and they are my pupils. However you do get a great view of my new teal and black hiking boots.

click to enlarge and admire my new boots

 Yes I go hiking in a dress. No I don't care if it looks dumb with hiking boots. Any other questions?

It was a little chilly, but we still had a blast. A new young lady called Rosie brought some watercolour pencils and some bristol board and we happily sketched the view together and chatted.

A big thanks to the Amazing Spiderman for all the lovely photography. Didn't he do a great job?

 

It was a lovely day and just goes to show you can make your own fun.

 

Good food, good friends, fresh air and exercise. What more do you really need?