Tuesday, 2 August 2011

Big Girly Crush

My new girly crush is Helen Arney. She was the ukulele player we saw at the British Library. The next day I went out and bought my own ukulele. She is the coolest, geeky, sexy, clever, witty ukulele player in the world. She is the Velma to my Velma if you know what I mean. We bought her 2 CDs and we have not been disappointed. You can go to her website here and read about her http://helenarney.com  but I highly recommend going here  http://helenarney.com/buy-my-songs/animals-with-professor-elemental and listening to some of her “science” songs. She sang You and Me and Walt Disney (about being cryogenically frozen) and The Sun Has Got His Huff On (where the sun has a moan wishing we’d stopped at Copernicus so he’s still be the centre of our universe) at the British Library but I highly, highly (must I say it again? Very well.) HIGHLY  recommend the one called Animals. Here are the lyrics to this clever, funny, sexy, surprisingly factual song.

 Animals – lyrics
Animals – complete lyrics by Helen Arney & Professor Elemental
I’ve been watching your behaviour
And I think you’re in the mood
So if you’re lonely, well I’m here to save ya
Let’s get out of here and get us a room
Let’s make love like animals
I think you know what I’m talking about
Let’s make love exactly like other animals
Get your zoology textbook out
Lets make love like rabbits, a hundred times a week
Let’s make love like hedgehogs – you know – carefully
Let’s make love like salmon living in fresh water
You do it in the bath I’ll come and pick it up later
Let’s make love like animals (like dogs, doggiestyle)
It’s been happening since the stone age (like cats – also doggiestyle)
Let’s make love exactly like other animals (but mostly dogs)
Open up that Wikipedia page
Let’s make love like Angler Fish, yeah
It’s kind of complicated but it’s worth it
You use your highly developed olfactory sense to swim towards me for several days
And then you bite me
That releases an enzyme that then dissolved your skin & your flesh & your… fins…
Leaving only a pair of genitals attached to the side of my body
For me to use
When it’s convenient.
I’ve been waiting to find someone so animalistic
Misunderstood just because I like badgers and whippets
And seagulls and snails, who incidentally fire love darts
Well I’ve brought some chocolates
If you like them I’ll dance like a squid
Or croon like a humpback whale
Let’s make passionate love, a beast with two tails
Or a porcupine – I’ll spray you with wee and if you don’t scream we’ll get to it
Actually, skip that one, let’s not do it
Let’s get it on like pygmy chimpanzees
You know – constantly
Not rest until we’ve done some things that even seem odd to me
I am the man to put the “ooh” in “zoology”
You can be my queen I’m the drone in our colony
But let’s leave the metaphor there because as everybody knows
When a gentleman bee is done his genitals explode
Oh no, I’ve said too much, now I’m alone, confused, waiting
Like a self-cloning lizard, too much pseudo-copulation
Let’s make love like animals, yeah (like squirrels in heat)
It’s like a biology GCSE – but sexy (I’ve done my naughty coursework)
I know what will get you in the mood to love like an animal (yes?)
I’ll get out my David Attenborough DVDs, yeah (mmmm, David)
So we’re sitting on the sofa with a cup of tea (oh, god yes)
This is not getting us anywhere
I’ve never seen a praying mantis in HD
God, did you see what she did afterwards, she ripped his head off and ate it! Dear god…Do you wanna?


I guess we’ll end up being the same animals we’ve always been.

Now buy some CDs or download some songs and she can be your big girly crush, too!

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