Sunday 15 April 2018

Grief is the price we pay for love


Yesterday was eighteen years since my dad died. How is that even possible?
Image result for grief

For years I suffered terrible from an anniversary grief that would punch me in the solar plexus and squeeze me until I couldn’t breathe and leave me gasping and crying. Then I went through years of anniversary grief where I would just shut down and hibernate until the day had passed. But now, sometimes the day approaches and I don’t even know it is coming until I look at my diary or check the calendar to write down an appointment. Is this good? Is this bad? Am I healing or am I forgetting?


When you lose someone that you love
Are they really lost?
You know where they are:
In an urn
In the earth
In your heart
Can you go on?
Or do you shut down?
Sometimes one and other times the other
Sometimes I miss him so much and the grief is so palpable that
I can’t breathe
I can’t think
I can’t move
I can only cry
But sometimes, whole days pass by
Without a tear or a maudlin thought
When suddenly I realise
I feel
Strange
Confused
Lost
Am I losing him?
Have I forgotten?
And then I look at myself in the mirror
And see his face
Our impossibly low foreheads and strange eyes
One near-sighted
One far-sighted
Both dimmed through too much reading
I think of my brain
That remembers and recalls
Details all
Every fact able to be quoted when needed
I look at my heart
And know I am brave
Brave like he was brave
I stand up
And am counted
I stand up
For what matters
For WHO matters
I got that from him
And so
I know
I am not alone
He is not gone
Or forgotten
He
Is with me
Always
I love you GLT

1 comment:

  1. No, you are not forgetting, you are living. And he would not have wanted it any other way. I lost my father just before we started coming to the Unitarian church in Alexandria, thirty years ago. He is still with me when I work in the garden, and when we attempt to fix broken appliances, usually successfully, and when I tell funny stories, and when I cook foods he liked. I have come to feel those times as moments of closeness and not so much sadness. I'm glad for the time we had together.

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