Sunday, 15 April 2018

Grief is the price we pay for love

Yesterday was eighteen years since my dad died. How is that even possible?
Image result for grief

For years I suffered terrible from an anniversary grief that would punch me in the solar plexus and squeeze me until I couldn’t breathe and leave me gasping and crying. Then I went through years of anniversary grief where I would just shut down and hibernate until the day had passed. But now, sometimes the day approaches and I don’t even know it is coming until I look at my diary or check the calendar to write down an appointment. Is this good? Is this bad? Am I healing or am I forgetting?

When you lose someone that you love
Are they really lost?
You know where they are:
In an urn
In the earth
In your heart
Can you go on?
Or do you shut down?
Sometimes one and other times the other
Sometimes I miss him so much and the grief is so palpable that
I can’t breathe
I can’t think
I can’t move
I can only cry
But sometimes, whole days pass by
Without a tear or a maudlin thought
When suddenly I realise
I feel
Am I losing him?
Have I forgotten?
And then I look at myself in the mirror
And see his face
Our impossibly low foreheads and strange eyes
One near-sighted
One far-sighted
Both dimmed through too much reading
I think of my brain
That remembers and recalls
Details all
Every fact able to be quoted when needed
I look at my heart
And know I am brave
Brave like he was brave
I stand up
And am counted
I stand up
For what matters
For WHO matters
I got that from him
And so
I know
I am not alone
He is not gone
Or forgotten
Is with me
I love you GLT

1 comment:

  1. No, you are not forgetting, you are living. And he would not have wanted it any other way. I lost my father just before we started coming to the Unitarian church in Alexandria, thirty years ago. He is still with me when I work in the garden, and when we attempt to fix broken appliances, usually successfully, and when I tell funny stories, and when I cook foods he liked. I have come to feel those times as moments of closeness and not so much sadness. I'm glad for the time we had together.