Hello lovelies! Happy new year! 2020 was rollercoaster year, wasn't it? But it did allow me to see some things clearly:
1. I need routine. And it is hard to impose it on myself, but I must try harder especially as we are yet again in lockdown.
2. I love my job. I mean I REALLY love my job. I miss it when I can't go to work. I am more productive and happier when I have been at work. I have a really good work-life balance and like to be having both halves of work and life.
3. I am recharged by interacting with people. I knew this before, but I REALLY learned it over the big lockdown. The Amazing Spiderman is perfectly happy working from home as people drain him, but I was like a flat battery for months. I don't ever want to go out in big noisy groups in crowded spaces (not even before COVID) but I really thrive on some one on one conversations. I like meeting a friend for a hot chocolate in an independent café or going for a picnic in the park to save money. I also really enjoy interacting with customers. We have lots of regulars who pop in regularly (that is the definition of a regular, Spidergrrl!) that I look forward to seeing. Interacting with customers and being helpful is a huge part of my happiness.
4. I have some control issues. Quite a lot of control issues, and this year has been out of control which has been really hard to cope with. This also ties in with routine because with Spiderman working from home I could not keep to the routine I liked and found it very hard to take his suggestion to "please just do that some other time."
5. I have trouble accepting help. I am often out helping people while my battery is on low (another issue I am continually working on) but find it harder to allow someone to help me. My dear old dad once said to me, "Why are you making things harder for yourself?" to which I replied "But it is so much easier to make things difficult!" by which I meant it is so much easier to do it myself that to ask for help. More on this in a bit.
6. I am not good at sharing. I need my own computer. This was a serious issue during the big lockdown. I am a writer. Blogging takes up a lot of time and research and I am an author who needs to work on her own stories. This was a HUGE issue between myself and the Amazing Spiderman over the big lockdown. I was like Vesuvius waiting to erupt, always boiling and seething under the surface as we both needed to be on the computer at the same time but in the rock/paper/scissors of life--work trumps personal reasons. We have solved this by investing in a second laptop and it has CHANGED MY LIFE. I have written more in the last two months than in the whole rest of the year.
7. I need more creative outlets. This too was a struggle during the big lockdown when I couldn't go to work. I started to think about what made me happy and what I missed from my life in England when I worked in a school. There was lots of time for laying about ruminating on what I enjoy that I was not allowed to do while I waited (im)patiently for my turn on the computer. Once I determined what it was, I made damn sure to start doing it the moment I got back to work. More on this later.
Having gained some extraordinary insight into myself in 2020, I wanted to reflect that in my Vision Board.
What is a Vision Board, I hear you cry? Well, it is part woowoo, part arts and crafts. I like to really think on new year's day what I want to do in the upcoming year and who I want to be (striving always to be a better person). It is not about new year's resolutions--which are easily broken--but just some personal growth goals and a reminder of what makes me happy. By making a tangible reminder of what brings me joy, I can make sure to do it. I then hang it in a prominent place in my craft room and look at it every morning to remind me of what it is important.
Want to see it? Of course you do.
So what am I doing this year? In no particular order:
1. Being vegan--this is the core of my values. Does it cause death and suffering? Then it is to be avoided. Does it bring life and kindness? Then it is to be celebrated. Compassion is so much better than cruelty.
2. What am I doing in the world to make it better? Making sure to look for opportunities to make a difference in the world. This has been more important in lockdown....how can help others (making sure that what I choose to do energises me rather than depletes me--setting boundaries.)
3. I am the chief cook in our house, but this was not always so. When we were first married and I was a full time student and then a full time teacher with a terrible work-life balance, Spiderman did all our cooking. When I wanted to become vegan I learned how to cook (and cook well!) Spiderman is a great cook. he is just much slower than me. I swear the man gets a ruler out when he chops potatoes as they are all identically sized! Since I am often tired from work, he has offered many times to share the burden of cooking. I do not take him up on it nearly as often as I should and then feel resentful as I am tired or my back hurts and it is me doing it. We had a long talk about this and I am going to work harder to relinquish some control in the kitchen. So in 2021, we will be taking turns more. We also will be cooking together more. I can do food prep MUCH faster while we chat about our days and then I can bugger off and do some yoga or have a nap while he does the cooking. Also, I want to make sure to do more advance food prep to make cooking for whoever's turn it is, easier.
4. Keeping to a loose routine especially in times of lockdown. I don't have to do EVERYTHING in a day, but it would be nice to tick a few things off my enjoyment list (see below) every day. Also writing down a few things in my 2021 diary that I would like to accomplish (or need to be done--I cannot tell you the amount of times I have realised at midnight that something needed to be done for the morning.) Better organisation and loose routine (especially in lockdown) but also for when I am working to use my time more wisely.
5. Doing things that bring me joy--making crafts and creating art, reading (and discussing--this year Spiderman will be a judge for the Carnegie and Greenaway awards and so we will get upwards of a hundred books to read and talk about...I made us our own little book club symbol!), making films with my new stop motion animation app. These are all things I am doing for me...but there are several things I do at home that bring me joy that involve work. Sewing fancy dress costumes to wear at the Bookshop (after the big lockdown I have gone to work dressed as Hercule Poirot, the witch from Narnia and a Christmas elf) as well as storytelling. I realised how much I missed storytelling--the research of finding a story that feels right in my mouth, adapting it, memorising it, making costumes or props for it, performing it. Right now it is not possible to have children in the shop for an actual audience but we have gotten round this by having my faithful camera crew Spiderman film me telling tales. Which leads me neatly on to my next intention.
6. DIY. I used to be such a luddite--I only got my first smartphone in 2017 and I always feel like I am behind on technology but this year I taught myself to build a website because some friends with an animal sanctuary needed help. I also taught myself to use video editing software so that we could put up films of my storytelling on the the Goldstone Books YouTube Channel. I used to think that I was not smart enough to do "computer things" but it turns out I was wrong. So this year, with my new laptop that I don't have to share, I am finally working on a project that has been on hold since 2016--turning my epistolary novel into a graphic novel. Yes, I will be teaching myself how to illustrate online by using my my new tech skills to tell my story. Then we will publish my second book! Hoorah!
7. Coming out of the big lockdown (but still in cautious mode) I was reminded who was in my tribe and who I enjoyed spending time with and who I hadn't missed at all. There are several people I let fade away because they drained me and several people I made an active effort to spent (socially distanced) time with because they energised me. Even now, in our third lockdown, I am making time to have phone calls and texts with people I care about (or send make and send a card if they are struggling) and that connection is keeping my going.
8. The lockdowns put such a strain on small businesses and several independent vegan businesses have had to close. I work for an independent bookshop and I am all too aware of the national chain right down the road who can sell at a bigger discount than we can. I tried last year to support more small businesses (especially ones that help us cut our waste) and this year I will try even harder. We just booked in an order with Cegin Mam Gu for a three course Greek meal that is vegan and GF and delivered to our door which I am very much looking forward to since we can't go out for a meal. Which leads me to my next point.
9. Drink more tea. This ticks the box of supporting Tea Traders ( a great independent business in town run by two lovely blokes which sells loose tea) as well as keeping me hydrated. Fruit tea is good hot or cold and I am guaranteed to have less pain and be less cranky if I am drinking some delicious tea.
10. The self care checklist. Even just 15 minutes a day makes all the difference in my physical and emotional wellbeing. Yoga and strength training for my body (I have let my ab work go this year and I feel it in my lower back), deep breathing and mindfulness (I tend towards hyperventilating and overthinking), more orgasms (they are truly the best pain relief and mood booster I know) and a 15 minute tidy every day instead of letting things pile up until it takes hours to put everything back where it belongs will save my sanity.
11. Patience. About everything. Enough said.
What did you learn about yourself in 2020? What do you hope to do with your life in 2021?
BOSH Katsu Curry with Roasted Vegetables 
