Hello lovelies! We first had this recipe last week when I was so tired after work. Working in retail in the holiday season is no joke, but especially during a pandemic--all that extra work of wiping stuff down and keeping track of numbers of customers makes for a very tired Spidergrrl. Now as the virus has mutated, I am suddenly off work as nonessential shops are closed. I am still quite tired so it is great to have something quick and easy and delicious in my pocket.
I saw THIS RECIPE on the BBC website recently--it was a Nigella Lawson recipe so I wasn't holding out much hope. But I was pleasantly shocked that at the bottom she listed a way to make it vegan.
Her recipe called for
Spaghetti--yep
Garlic--yep
Water from a just boiled kettle--yep
Chili flakes--yep
Parmesan cheese--no problem, use a vegan substitute
3 TB olive oil--no problem, use some vegetable stock
Chard--no problem, substitute my old favourite kale
8 anchovy fillets--nope! But these were there to give a punch of umami flavour so I knew I could substitute something. Can't remember what umami is? Click {HERE} to refresh yourself.
It sounded fast and it sounded delicious--and it was on both counts. This will definitely be added to the rotation. To substitute for the umami of the anchovies I used mushrooms cooked in tamari/soy sauce and a bit of yeast extract (Like Marmite...but the Tesco brand one which is gluten free.)
Umami Spaghetti
1 white onion, diced very small
6 cloves crushed garlic
100g button mushrooms, diced small
2.5 TB tamari or soy sauce, divided
3/4 tsp yeast extract, divided
1/4 cup vegetable stock
1/2 tsp red chilli flakes
100g kale, destemmed and torn into bits
200g dried (GF) spaghetti
2 TB parmesan cheese (and more for serving) like Good Karma or make your own (see recipe below)
1. Fill your kettle. Fill your pasta pot with 1/2 cup water.
2. In a larger pot, cook your onion and mushrooms in the vegetable stock until it is softened and most of the liquid is gone. Add the garlic, chilli flakes and 1 TB of tamari/soy sauce and 1/2 tsp yeast extract. Stir to coat.
3. Start your pasta pot water on high and boil your kettle. Add your boiling water to the pasta pot and put the lid on and in a minute you will have a pot of boiling water. Add your pasta and set the timer for whatever the recommended cooking time is (mine is 8 minutes). Stir for a few minutes until the pasta releases some starch and turns cloudy. Scoop 1/2 cup of that starchy water and put it in with the umami mushrooms and add the kale and turn up the heat to medium. Keep stirring the kale in the starchy water until it wilts and reduces.
4. Before you drain your spaghetti, scoop out another half a cup pasta water. Drain your pasta and put it in with the greens and umami mushrooms. Add the additional 1.5 TB tamari/soy sauce and an additional 1/4 tsp yeast extract.
5. Add a TB or two of the saved pasta water if it seems claggy and doesn't stir well.
6. Stir in 2 TB parmesan cheese. Use additional parmesan to taste.
That's it. This was crazy delicious, full of flavour, filling and done in under 30 minutes.
Hello lovelies! I cannot believe I have never blogged this recipe. It is my special holiday recipe. We eat it every year on my birthday and Christmas eve. I am not sure why we don't eat it more to be honest. Every time I eat it, it just feels like a warm soupy hug.
It is easy to make and just feels special. It became our go-to holiday soup from the first year we were married because it reminded us of England because we ate it at the Café in the Crypt at Saint Martin in the Fields church on the day we got engaged in 1990. Maybe it was also the leeks. Which now also remind us of Wales as leeks are part of the national emblem of Cymru. We used the soup as a sort of talisman to help us get back to the UK and here we are, so it must have worked.
In the US it was much harder to find leeks (this was nearly 30 years ago, times may have changed) but we had to go out to Albertsons to buy them as I recall.
This recipe makes 4 big bowls of soup. Also, I don't normally cook with vegan butter, but I like the leeks cooked in a TB of melted vegan butter, but it is not a necessity.
Leek and Potato Soup
1 TB vegan butter (or a splash of water)
2 large or 3 smaller leeks (the white parts only...not the thick green leafy bits at the top)
garlic
500g potatoes, diced
3.5 cups vegetable stock
splash of tamari or soy sauce
1 tsp yeast extract like marmite
1 tsp mixed herbs
1/2 cup unsweetened plant based milk
black pepper to taste
1. Melt your butter or heat your splash of water in a big pot. Cut the root end off your leek and slice lengthwise. Check for dirt. leeks love to hide dirt in the crevices. Then slice your leek into lots of pieces (they will be a sort of C shape) and throw them in with melted butter. It will look like a lot of leeks but they will cook down. When they have softened and reduced a bit throw in some garlic.
2. Add in your diced potatoes, tamari or soy sauce and yeast extract and stir to coat. Add your vegetable stock and mixed herbs and bring to the boil. Reduce heat and simmer with the lid on for 25 minutes.
3. Remove from heat and add your milk then using an immersion blender puree until as smooth as you like--we like it smooth with some whole chunks in there, but you could make it completely smooth.
4. Check to see if it is warm enough (does it need a little more heating since it has been off the hob for a few minutes?) and top with black pepper.
This is delicious and simple to make. It tastes like your dreams coming true (if your dream was to someday emigrate to the UK.)
Hello and welcome to Fairy Tale Friday. Are you sitting comfortably? Good. Then I'll begin.
Today marks the last of the Fairy Tale Friday explorations of Snow White. I have been writing about versions of this tale since the 3rd of April 2020 and now the time has come to wind it down. Thank you for coming with me on this journey (as well as Cinderella, Little Red Riding Hood and Murder Ballads before this.)
I will leave you with a funny video in the Key of Kristin. Here is Kristin Key who summarises everything that is wrong with Snow White set to a jaunty tune.
Thank you again for coming with me as we explore fairy tales. My life has gotten really busy with some other writing I am doing (I am working on some short story bundles to sell as well as my next novel) and so I am going to let Fairy Tale Friday rest for a bit to catch up on other creative endeavours. But I am sure in 2021 I will come back to explore another fairy tale--possibly Sleeping Beauty.
Hello and welcome to Fairy Tale Friday. Are you
sitting comfortably? Good. Then I’ll begin.
We are to the end of our Fairy Tale Friday look at
Snow White. Today we will look at the 1937 Disney film. Chronologically, it
should have come earlier, but I wanted to save it for last due to its
significance. For many of you, this film was the gateway to a Disney obsession.
While I can agree it was visually spectacular (and it truly is—when you think
of all those choppy/jerky Betty Boop cartoons, they were only a few years
before this) I have never liked the passivity of the heroine waiting (and doing
nothing but housework and sighing) until her Prince comes.
The following information all comes courtesy of
Wikipedia:
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs was to be the
first full-length cel animated feature in motion picture
history. His brother and wife tried to talk Walt out of it. He had to mortgage
his house to help finance the film's production, which eventually ran up a
total cost of $1,488,422.74, a massive sum for a feature film in 1937. But it
clearly was worth it as it was a massive success.
The film itself was released in Los Angeles in 1937,
followed by a nationwide release on February 4, 1938. This was one year
before The Wizard of Oz. Some interesting Oz trivia: The voice of Snow
White Adriana Caselotti had an uncredited role in The Wizard of Oz. She
provided the voice of Juliet during the Tin Man's song, "If I Only Had a
Heart", speaking the line, "Wherefore art thou Romeo?" More
Oz trivia: (because I will shoehorn Oz into any conversion) the slinky
wicked queen in her cowl and crown was an early costume design for the witch in
Oz based on the success of Snow White. Gale Sondergaard did a screentest as a
slinky sexy witch but opted out when they decided to make her ugly.
It was nominated for Best Musical Score at
the Academy Awards in 1938, and the following year, Walt
Disney was awarded an honorary Oscar for the film. This award was
unique, consisting of one normal-sized, plus seven miniature Oscar statuettes.
In 1989, the United States Library of Congress deemed the film
"culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant" and selected
it as one of the first 25 films for preservation in the National Film
Registry. Whether I like it or not, it is a game changer.
Another bit of interesting trivia: The
dwarfs’ names were chosen from a pool of about fifty potentials, including
Jumpy, Deafy, Dizzey, Hickey, Wheezy, Baldy, Gabby, Nifty, Sniffy, Swift, Lazy,
Puffy, Stuffy, Tubby, Shorty, and Burpy.
Below is a summery courtesy of Wiki. I will insert
comments and video clips into it.
Snow White is a lonely princess
living with her stepmother, a vain Queen. The Queen worries that Snow White will
be more beautiful than her, so she forces Snow White to work as a scullery
maid and asks her Magic Mirror daily "who is the
fairest one of all." For years the mirror always answers that the Queen
is, pleasing her. Note:I
admit I did not re-watch this one in its entirety, but I have no memory as to where her father
is meant to be. I presume dead. The film opens with an illuminated manuscript
which basically says exactly what Wiki does above but mentions her father not
at all.
One day, the Magic Mirror informs the
Queen that Snow White is now "the fairest" in the land; on that same
day, Snow White meets and falls in love with a prince who overhears her
singing. Note: I do remember being
in awe of the mirror but think Snow White herself was a bit of a drip.
Watch the Magic Mirror scene here:
Here we also see Snow White in her very ragged dress (well done) and a pair of rough wooden clogs that don't make a clip clop noise which annoyed me. She is so good and sickly sweet it made me feel like I might go into a diabetic coma. Also all those pigeons would be crapping all over her wishing well if this was real. She does seem to have quite a lot of lippy on but then so does the Prince.
The jealous Queen orders her Huntsman to take Snow White into the
forest and kill her. She further demands that the huntsman return with Snow
White's heart in a jewelled box as proof of the deed. However, the Huntsman
cannot bring himself to kill Snow White. He tearfully begs for her forgiveness, revealing the Queen wants her dead and urges her to flee into the woods and never look back. Note: I liked that the Queen presented the Huntsman with a box with a heart with a dagger through it for a lock that she must have either just had laying about as a sinister object or had it specially made for just such an occasion as this.
It
is nice to see the Huntsman’s reluctance. Several films, he is in cahoots with
the Queen (or under her spell sexually) It does feel very sinister seeing the sunlight glint off his knife and his
shadow fall over her as he creeps up to kill her. The lost in the woods scene
also made an impression on me as a child. I found it very frightening and
disconcerting.
Watch it here:
What I noticed from re-watching this scene is that she has changed clothes. She has been a scullery maid in literal rags with wooden clodhoppers on her feet but a moment ago, but to go out and pick flowers in the woods she gets spiffed up in the dress we think of as a Snow White dress (no holes) and heeled shoes (no clogs). That makes no sense.
Lost and frightened, the princess is befriended by woodland creatures who lead her to a cottage deep in the woods. Finding seven small chairs in the cottage's dining room, Snow White assumes the cottage is the untidy home of seven orphaned children. Actually, the cottage belongs to seven
adult dwarfs—named Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful,
Sneezy, and Dopey—who work in a nearby mine.
Note: Here we have the famous Heigh-Ho song. Many years ago
we had a cassette of weird and wonderful cover versions of Disney Songs and
there was a great, gritty cover of the Heigh-Ho song by Tom Waits. (would you
expect anything less?) Listen to it below:
Returning home, they are alarmed to find their
cottage clean and suspect that an intruder has invaded their home. The dwarfs
find Snow White upstairs, asleep across three of their beds. Snow White awakens
to find the dwarfs at her bedside and introduces herself, and all of the dwarfs
eventually welcome her into their home after she offers to clean and cook for
them. Snow White keeps house for the dwarfs while they mine for jewels during
the day, and at night they all sing, play music, and dance.
Note: I know cooking and cleaning are important, but why
does it all fall to her? Their house was a mess when she arrived and then they
happily go on being lazy now that they had a dolly bird to pick up after them.
Even as a child I felt like she aught to make them do their share of the work
since they lived there too. Also as a child you think "wouldn't it be great to have woodland animals help you do your chore," but as you get older all you think is, "that is so unsanitary."
Watch Whistle While You Work here:
Meanwhile, the Queen discovers Snow White
is alive when the mirror again answers that Snow White is the fairest in the
land and reveals that the heart in the box is that of a pig. Using a potion to
disguise herself as an old hag, the Queen creates a poisoned apple that will put whoever
eats it into the "Sleeping Death," a curse she learns can only be
broken by "love's first kiss," but is certain Snow White will be
buried alive. Note: I find this scene genuinely
scary, even now. I have seen many transformation scenes, but this is one of the
best. I love the way the spell was cast--both with witchy stuff and science (she has a whole chemistry lab in her lair). I love the bit in the transformation where her hands grow old and a flash of lightning reveals the bones inside for a brief moment. Also, the way lightning makes the potion go from still to sparkling made me laugh.
Watch (and shudder) here:
While the Queen goes to the cottage while
the dwarfs are away, the animals are wary of her and rush off to find the
dwarfs. Faking a potential heart attack, the Queen tricks Snow White into
bringing her into the cottage to rest. The Queen fools Snow White into biting
into the poisoned apple under the pretence that it is a magic apple that grants
wishes. As Snow White falls asleep, the Queen proclaims that she is now the
fairest of the land. Note: Trust the animals. They can see through her disguise and try to peck her death in a scene reminiscent of Alfred Hitchcock. The thing that made me laugh out loud though, was in between all the fuzzy forest creatures there were a pair of vultures sitting in a tree. Then the old hag pulls a Sanford and Son, and clutches her chest and fakes a heart attack. Snow White is so gullible here and simple-minded, it makes my head hurt. The old hag is clearly using her evil voice in between bouts of her old helpless lady voice, but our heroine does not pick up on those subtle clues.
Watch the poison apple bit here:
The dwarfs return with the animals as the Queen leaves the
cottage and give chase, trapping her on a cliff. She tries to roll a boulder
over them, but lightning strikes the cliff before she can do so, causing her to
fall to her death. Note: Though
I am all for restorative justice in my real life, I find I really like a sense
of punishment and justice in my fairy tales. This is a great “gets what is
coming to her” ending. The vultures are here again and she runs away, gets trapped on a conveniently place cliff top situated in running distance of the forest, and tries to use leverage to release a boulder down on the dwarfs below. Instead, lightning cracks her cliff and she falls into the abyss with the boulder falling on her instead like Wile E Coyote.
The dwarfs return to their cottage and
find Snow White seemingly dead, being kept in a deathlike slumber by the
poison. Unwilling to bury her out of sight in the ground, they instead place
her in a glass coffin trimmed with gold in a clearing in the forest. Together
with the woodland creatures, they keep watch over her. A year later, the prince
learns of her eternal sleep and visits her coffin. Saddened by her apparent
death, he kisses her, which breaks the spell and awakens her. The dwarfs and
animals all rejoice as the Prince takes Snow White to his castle.
Watch the ending here:
That is the last of the Snow Whites. However, I will
treat you next week to one last Snow White. A hilarious comedy song I stumbled
across whilst writing this last post. Stay tuned next week for death by fruit.
Hello lovelies! Times are busy and I am tired (Working retail is no joke in the run up to Christmas!) so I wanted a meal that I could do without a recipe to follow--one I knew how to do all the parts off by heart. Plus one that didn't require extra shopping.
We had 2 sweet potatoes and a red onion--I knew how to roast those in the oven.
We had kale--I knew how to sauté it with a splash of tamari/soy sauce.
I had just made cheese power using THIS RECIPE and so we could have Macaroni Cheese. This sauce is great--you make ahead so always have cheese powder ready for action. The ratio is 1/3 cup powder to 1 cup milk per person (also 1 cup pasta per person, but sometimes we just make it as a cheese sauce for nachos)
Dinner is sorted.
Roasted Sweet Potato with Macaroni Cheese and Savoury Kale
1 large or 2 smaller sweet potatoes (about 400 grams), cubed
1 red onion, cut into large chunks
1 TB olive oil
100g kale (3 big handfuls)
splash tamari or soy sauce
2 cups macaroni (or other) pasta--use GF pasta if you need to
2/3 cups cheese powder--just make THIS RECIPE and you have instant cheesy sauce at your fingertips
2 cups unsweetened plant based milk--we used soya
1 TB lemon juice--bottled is fine
1 tsp wholegrain mustard (optional, but nice)
1 TB vegan buttery spread (optional to make it richer)
Preheat your oven to 200C/400F
1. Put your chopped sweet potatoes and red onion in a big roasting tin and drizzle on the TB of oil. Stir to coat. Roast in the oven for 15 minutes, then take it out and stir and roast again for another 15 minutes.
2. Meanwhile, in a medium sized pan boil your macaroni according to package directions then drain and set aside. While your macaroni is boiling, in a large pot sauté your kale on medium high with a splash or two of water until it wilts and softens. Then add a splash of tamari or soy sauce and stir to coat your greens. Then take off the heat. Put on a lid and set aside.
3. In the same pot you cooked the macaroni, add the TB of vegan butter if you wish and let it melt then add the 2 cups milk, 2/3 cups cheese powder and the TB lemon juice and mustard (if using.) Whisk together and continue to whisk until the cheese sauce thickens. Add back in the pasta and stir to coat.
4. By this time the roasted sweet potatoes should be done. Remove from the oven. Mix the hot macaroni cheese with the kale you set aside and then spoon into two bowls and top with roasted sweet potatoes.
Hello and welcome to Fairy Tale Friday. Are you
sitting comfortably? Good. Then I’ll begin.
We are nearly to the end of our Fairy Tale Friday look
at Snow White. Today we look at what was advertised to be a feminist film
version of our tale entitled Snow White and the Huntsman starring Kristin
Stewart as Snow White and Charlize Theron as the stepmother.
I can see why they promoted it as a feminist film—they
tried to make it have overtones of women in power but in my opinion, it misses the
mark. It opens with the powerful witch Ravenna (who sounds like she should have
raven hair, but she is blond) tricking her way into the King’s heart. We see
her tied up in a shack as if she is being held prisoner, but it is in fact all
a ruse. The first glimpse we see of her is her bare foot in a shackle. My first
thought was “How big are her feet??” and the answer is (according to Google)
size 9.5 which feels very impressive since I am a size 3.5. But once she is
back in the palace and all dressed up and out of her captive rags, she looks
quite beautiful. She seems quite sweet, with a hint of nervousness as if she is
worried what the country will think of her as she was only a poor captive who
is marrying the King. This, in my opinion, in Theron’s best acting. Because on
their wedding night she goes full on “evil voice” and announces that all men do
is use, abuse and discard women. That happened to her before and she won’t let
it happen again. Then she pulls out a huge bloody dagger and stabs him in the
heart and she locks the young Princess in a dungeon. After that, Theron is either
doing her whisper evil voice or shouty evil voice. It is a wonder she stayed so
slim with all the scenery she chewed. Some of the makeup and effects are pretty
good. We see her in various stages of old age makeup as her powers wax and
wane. Sometimes she is young and fresh and bathing in some sort of milky liquid
that looks suspiciously like paint and stealing the looks of young girls
(played by Lily Cole) and sometimes she is all wrinkled and writhing on the
floor in a weakened state of misery. The magic mirror was also interesting—a brass
disc that turned into the melty men who oozed out of it and spoke to her.
Kristin Stewart who has been held in a dungeon for at
least a decade and has lank greasy hairy and a dirty face and a tatty dress also
has the most perfect blindingly white Hollywood teeth which were really
distracting. All the dwarves (we will get to the problem with them in a minute)
have various shades of “lived in” teeth. But she who has been held prisoner,
suffers no decay. In the scenes where she has escaped and is getting increasingly
muddier and dishevelled she still manages a subtle bit of lipstick. If her lips
had been that shade the whole film you might think it was just rosy lips not
lippy, but because several times she doesn’t have it on it is noticeable.
The problem with the dwarves is that they hired actual
dwarves to do all the body shots (who were uncredited in the credits) and CGI’d
full sized actor’s heads onto their bodies. ‘Nuff said.
Here is a summary by Wikipedia in which I will insert
some comments.
While admiring a rose blooming in the
winter, Queen Eleanor of the kingdom of Tabor pricks her finger on one of its
thorns. Drops of blood fall onto the snow, and she wishes for a daughter as
white as the snow, with lips as red as the blood, hair as black as a raven's
wings and heart as strong as the rose. Note: One
of the good things about this film is the cinematography. There are great scenes,
including this one, of black trees, grey skies, white snow and blood or scarlet
banners in a visual contrast. I liked how the blood active “plipped” and
splashed onto the snow.
She gives birth to a daughter, Snow White,
but falls ill and dies several years later. After her death, Snow White's
father, King Magnus, and his army battle an invading dark
army of demonic glass soldiers. Upon rescuing their prisoner Ravenna, the King
becomes enchanted with her beauty and marries her. Note:
The
glass soldiers who shatter into shards of jet quartz are a decent CGI effect,
but were a predicter of how many other noisy battles I would have to sit
through. The King sees a shack where he finds Ravenna all shackled up and
helpless with her size 9.5 feet. He is enchanted by her beauty but also he probably
liked the feeling of being a rescuer/protector of women because they are the
weaker sex.
Ravenna is in fact a powerful sorceress and
the Dark Army's master. On their wedding night, Ravenna confesses there was a
king much like Magnus that hurt her. She declares she cannot be a weak queen
and kills Magnus before taking over the kingdom. Snow White's childhood friend
William and his father, Duke Hammond, escape the castle but are unable to
rescue her, and she is captured and locked away in a tower for many years.
Note: Before Ravenna took over, we saw several childhood
scenes between William and young Snow. They were best friends, playmates and probably
promised in marriage to each other to seal a future alliance. There is a scene
of them climbing an apple tree and him teasing her with an apple before biting
it himself which is undoubtedly foreshadowing.
Watch the wedding night stabbing here:
Tabor is ruined under Queen Ravenna's
rule. She periodically drains the youth from the kingdom's young women in order
to maintain a spell cast over her as a child by her mother, which allows her to
keep her youthful beauty. Note: I
was a little confused by this flashback scene—it may have been because I was
worn out from all her evil voice shouting, but as best as I can understand,
raiders were coming to their village to take pretty girls away (it was hard to
tell as there was a long scene of banging/clanging sword fighting going on
while they were talking) and her mother gifts her the gift of eternal youth so
that she can somehow grow up and use that as a strength to defeat men. Who
knows. But there was a nice echo in the magic potion of dropping three drops of
blood into a milky cup which resembled the opening scene with the Queen
pricking her finger.
When her
stepdaughter Snow White comes of age, she learns from her Magic Mirror that Snow White is
destined to destroy her unless she consumes the girl's heart, which will make
her immortal. Ravenna orders her brother Finn (Note: who has the
worst bowl cut ever) to bring her Snow White's heart, but Snow White escapes
into the Dark Forest, where Ravenna has no power. Note: The dark forest
is like being on LSD. You hallucinate all sorts of scary stuff like tree
branches turning into black snakes or birds trying to peck out your eyes after
breathing some sort of swamp gas.
Watch the magic mirror scene here:
Watch the dark forest drug trip here:
Ravenna makes a bargain with Eric the Huntsman, a widower and drunkard, to
capture Snow White, promising to bring his wife back to life in exchange. The
Huntsman tracks down Snow White, but when Finn reveals that Ravenna does not
actually have the power to revive the dead, the Huntsman helps Snow White
escape. Finn gathers a band of men to find her, and the Duke and William learn
that she is alive. William leaves the castle to find her, joining Finn's band
as a bowman.
Note:
Despite
being a drunkard who is dirty and dishevelled, Chris Hemsworth managed to look
sexy in a rugged way with matching perfect teeth to Snow White. I guess only
dwarves don’t have a dental plan.
The Huntsman and Snow White leave the Dark
Forest, where she saves his life by charming a huge troll that attacks them.
They make their way to a fishing village populated by women who have disfigured
themselves to make themselves useless to the Queen. Note:
This
bit was an interesting feminist concept to be judged by your character instead
of appearance but would have liked to have seen it given more depth. Also, it
stars Rachael Stirling (daughter of Diana Rigg) as the lead disfigured woman
with some scars on her face but not really enough to make her that hideous.
The Huntsman
learns Snow White's true identity, and leaves her in the care of the women. He
returns when he sees the village being burned down by Finn's men. Snow White
and the Huntsman evade them and meet a band of eight
dwarves. The blind dwarf Muir perceives that Snow White is the only person
who can defeat Ravenna and end her reign.
As they travel through a fairy sanctuary,
they are attacked by Finn and his men. Note: The
fairy sanctuary is every bit as twee as you would expect—colourful creatures,
hazy lighting, moss growing everywhere, twinkly fairy lights and a pure white
stag with antlers so big he would never get in your front door if he came to
visit in place of the more obvious white unicorn that is tamed by the pure
female heroine.
Watch the white stage scene here:
A battle ensues during which Finn, his
men, and one of the dwarfs are killed, while William reveals himself and joins
the group on their journey to Hammond's castle. Halfway there, Ravenna
disguises herself as William and tempts Snow White into eating a poisoned
apple. She flees when the Huntsman and William discover her. Note:
This
scene was great. I loved that it was the Queen disguised as William not an old
crone that gave her the apple. She takes it from him as it harks back to a
flirtation that had when she was a tomboy up a tree with him as children and it
is truly a surprise when it turns out to be the witch.
Watch the poison apple scene here:
William kisses Snow White but she does not
wake up (though no one notices the tear that comes from one of her eyes). Her
body is taken to Hammond's castle. The Huntsman professes his regret for not
being there to save her, as her heart and strength remind him of his late wife,
Sara. He kisses her and does not notice a second tear fall from one of her
eyes, as his kiss was second of true love needed. Snow White awakens and
rallies the Duke's army to mount a siege against Ravenna.
The dwarves infiltrate the castle through
the sewers and open the gates, allowing the Duke's army inside. Snow White
confronts Ravenna, but is overpowered. Ravenna is about to kill her when Snow
White uses a move the Huntsman taught her and mortally wounds Ravenna,
defeating her for good. The kingdom once again enjoys peace and harmony as Snow
White is crowned queen. Note: I
was disappointed that she didn’t end up marrying the Huntsman as I was hoping
this was a tale of bridging the class divide. But we know from the sequel
(which bears quite a resemblance to Frozen) that she marries William.
For a laugh, watch an Honest Trailer here for the film and the sequel:
That’s all for this week. Stay tuned next week for our
penultimate blog about Snow White where we look at the Disney film.
Hello lovelies! Sometimes you just need an easy treat that comes together in a snap and doesn't have a tonne of ingredients. Am I right???
I used to love Rice Krispie Treats as a child, but they rely on marshmallows to stick them together and marshmallows aren't vegan because they are made with gelatine (which if you don't know is made from boiling animal bones and hooves. Even if I wasn't vegan that is just gross.) Sure, there are cruelty free vegan marshmallows out there, but they are wicked expensive for a tiny bag. So I thought "I wonder if you can stick them together with peanut butter?
After consulting google, it is indeed possible. There were many recipes out there with varying degrees and amounts of ingredients. Simpler is better here and I have hit upon the right combination.
These are a wee bit delicate--you might need to use a small plate or cup your hand underneath as you eat, but they taste delicious.
We used Tesco brand Free From Choco Snaps cereal to make it gluten free but any chocolate Rice Krispie cereal will do. As for the liquid sweetener, it needs to be thicker than maple syrup so something like agave, rice syrup or golden syrup (what we used) would work, If you are in the US something like Karo syrup might work if you can't get agave or rice syrup.
Chocolate Peanut Butter Krispies
2/3 cup peanut butter
1/3 cup thick liquid sweetener (see above for suggestions)
3 cups chocolate crisp rice cereal
optional: 2 TB coconut oil (might help this stick together more...I never bothered)
Gently warm the peanut butter and liquid sweetener (and coconut oil if using) on the hob or in a microwave until more pliable and less stiff. Remove from heat and add the 3 cups of cereal and stir to combine making sure all pieces of coated. Stir carefully or you will smash all the krispies. Then spoon them into a greased 8 x 8 pan and press down with the back of a spoon. Then decide the spoon isn't working and press down very firmly with dampened fingers.
Refrigerate for a few hours to firm up and then slice. Makes 8 slices if you are greedy or 16 if you have self control. Store in the fridge.
Hello and welcome to Fairy Tale Friday. Are you
sitting comfortably? Good. Then I’ll begin.
This week we look at a tale of Snow White that is part
fairy tale, part Lord of the Rings. It is brought to us by The Asylum whom I
have never heard of but a little research showed me they are the ones
responsible for the Sharknado series. They are also primarily know for what is
referred to in the industry as a “mockbuster.” They look at what big name
Hollywood film is coming out and quickly churn out a lower budget similar title
such as Transmorphers (Transformers), The Terminators (The Terminator), Snakes
on a Train (Snakes on a Plane), Triassic World (Jurassic World) etc.
You get the idea. They also have a lots of films involving bad CGI sharks
beyond the Sharknado ones such as Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus and 3 Headed Shark
Attack, so I was thinking this was going to be rubbish, but I was pleasantly
surprised.
The first startling thing is that our Snow White is
blond. Although the cover of the DVD we bought the photo darkens her hair. I
could not find a copy of that cover online, so you will have to settle for the
blond version. Her stepmother is the one who has the raven hair. There are
decent effects—the magic mirror flows like green water and and the face that
speaks to the Queen looks like it is speaking through a waterfall. There are
CGI effects that look as though they have stepped out of a video game—vicious dogs
with giant heads and several CGI giant lizard-like creatures. They aren’t bad,
but they aren’t good either. The costumes have the generic
a-sort-of-ye-olde-times vibe. It looks as though they spent all the budget for
the top of the costumes as many of the men have a brocade jacket and ruffle-y
shirt up top and regular trousers below. Knee high boots were only worn by the
main characters so the Prince looks more authentic than his (un) trustworthy
assistant. But they get around this by mostly shooting from the thighs up in
close up so it it is only noticeable in long shots. Also our blond Snow White
wears a pale blue dress that bears an uncanny resemblance to Alice in
Wonderland.
Snow White has been sent away to a convent school for
many years by her stepmother and returns for her father’s funeral. We see the
evil Queen planning to marry a nearby Prince because his land contains the
crash site for a meteor which emits a green glow and gives the elves their
power—and if she has the power, she will rule the world. Of course he falls in
love with Snow White instead of her stepmother, which causes the events you
would expect in a Snow White tale to happen: her stepmother sends her out into
to the woods to be killed, her heart is to be brought back, Snow White escapes
and is rescued by seven (or thereabouts) elves who nurse her back to health,
her stepmother disguises herself as an old crone and tries to kill her, she is
revived by the Prince and the Queen is destroyed and they live happily ever
after. But it all happens in a very Tolkienesque way.
I wasn’t able to find a cohesive summary of this film
so have combined the summary from several sources (MOVIE
MAVERICKS and HORROR
NEWS ) and will add comments in between.
Grimm’s Snow White is a loose adaptation of the
folklore collected by the Brothers Grimm. We begin with a mystical world
where a star once fell from the sky and landed with a mighty green and flamey
thud on a cliff top. Soon magical elves and giant lizard-like
dragons are fighting over territory and flamey magic. There is some kind of
balance though, until the humans come along and mess that all up. Soon they are
building kingdoms and getting eaten by the reptiles and treating the elves
poorly. The Asylum’s version of the story finds Snow White summoned to the
castle by her stepmother Queen Gwendolyn after her father was killed by a giant
lizard. Note: We see the mystical green flame on the clifftop and the
green crystal amulets that the elves all wear around their necks. They derive
their power from the green flame and can do various bits of magic like causing
earthquakes, transformation and healing the dying . We see the Queen crying and
talking about her grief, but then we see that she is actually rehearsing these
lines and practicing her crocodile tears. She touches several of the magic
crystal amulets that she has stolen from elves and laid in a bowl on her
dressing table. Using their magic she calls upon her magic mirror which also
glows with a liquidy green flame.
After doing away with the King, the evil Queen now
wants to get rid of Snow, and become the fairest of them all. She orders her to
be killed, but Snow escapes into the enchanted forest with the aid of some
elves (yes, not dwarfs).Note: These are very Tolkien elves---they
all look remarkably like Legolas but with regular short hair as the budget
doesn’t stretch to wigs. It does stretch to pointy ears, though. As you would
expect, some of the elves are bitter from the way that humans mistreat them,
but eventually come around. We have the wise woman elf who will heal Snow White
with some herbal potion, and the elf called Runt who everyone thinks is useless
but will save the day in the end.
In a real estate scheme the Queen plans to marry
Prince Alexander and take over his part of the enchanted forest (there’s a
magic green fire that burns there that she’s after), but the Prince has already
fallen for Snow White. The Queen claims Snow is dead, but the Prince doesn’t
give up hope in finding her. Unfortunately the Queen is hellbent on getting
that prime enchanted forest property (gotta have her green fire), and tries to
force the Prince into marriage.Note: We see the Queen forcing her
enslaved elf to do her bidding by transforming her into an old crone who
just really looks like she is wearing poorly applied Halloween makeup. She also
transforms an ordinary ring into one that looks just like the one the Prince gave to
Snow White as a token of his affection and then poisons it. The poison ring
idea featured in several of the literary versions of this tale such as Nourie
Hadig. We see Snow White trying to contact the elf that works for the Queen
that the other elves consider a traitor and she is approached in the market by
an old crone who convinces her to take the ring. She puts it on and falls down
dead. The elves carry her body and lay it under a low hanging willow tree where
they wave a torch around as if they are going to burn her on a funeral pyre.
Surely this act of pyromania would best be performed on an open plain rather
than beneath a flammable tree? The Prince arrives in the nick of time to save
her being burnt alive and takes the ring off her finger (which has now reverted
back to its original form) and she miraculously wakes up.
Now Snow must rally her elven friends to join
her battle against the evil Queen, take back her love and generally save the
day. Snow White and the Prince stage some kind of rebellion against
the Queen, the elves go to war to carrying mostly bows and arrows and what
appears to be sticks and twine. When they finally decide to go to war against
the Evil Queen, we are treated to the least impressive motivational speech ever
by the surliest of the dwarves … I mean ELVES, sorry … followed by all six of
them (no extras must have been hanging out looking for work that day) marching
across a field to what I could almost swear is the same music from Lord of
the Rings: Return of the King. It was an incredibly underwhelming scene. The
elves don’t manage to hold their own very well once the fighting begins
(obviously) until, miracle of miracles, they are rescued by … dark elf ninjas.
I am not making this up. The dark elves swing into the area on vines (a
la Tarzan) in funky black pyjamas and start whacking people with
swords.Note: These dark ninja elves are the keepers of the sacred
green flame. It looks like all is lost—the Prince is mortally wounded and all
the elves and Snow White are captured (being held in not very convincingly tight
chokeholds). The Queen gets a priest to come out the forest and perform the
wedding RIGHT THERE while the Prince gasps for air. Because if their marriage
is until “death do us part” when he dies in a few minutes she will inherit the
land with the sacred green flame, defeat the ninja elves and have all the
power. Suddenly, Runt the elf that no one thought was useful escapes, rather
too easily kills the guard holding Snow White and she takes his sword and kills
the Queen. There was some shouting at the telly at this point—me screaming “Do
it! Slice off her head! Ooooh! She actually did it!” as the slow motion footage
shows Snow White slicing off the Queen’s head in one dramatic blow. Then the
green flame is safe, and all the creatures both human and elf can live in
harmony with the giant lizards with the Prince and Snow White ruling over them
all.
You can watch the film here:
That’s all for this week. Stay tuned next week for a
tale with another spunky fighting Snow White.
Hello lovelies! Ever since Halloween I have been thinking about caramel apples. As you do. They were everywhere a few weeks ago-- in shops and on adverts--everywhere but in my belly. But I wanted a low sugar more natural vegan version so I dove into Google and it turns out it is surprisingly easy to make using dates.
I made mine with the sweet soaking water from the dates, but other recipes used plant based milk or even coconut milk for a really rich and decadent version, but even my stripped down version was delicious.
Try to get the best dates you can--medjool dates are king but can be expensive. I used some decent soft and squidgy deglet noor dates which are smaller. Softer, moister dates make a smoother product but you will be soaking them so it is OK if they are a bit on the dry side. You might just have to blend longer.
Salted Caramel Dipping Sauce
1 packed cup of pitted dates--medjool dates would probably be about 15 dates. I used about 20 deglet noor dates
boiling water to cover the dates
pinch sea salt (bonus points for smoked sea salt)
1 tsp vanilla essence
Optional: plant milk or coconut milk
Optional: 1 tsp peanut butter
1. Put your dates in a heatproof bowl and pour boiling water over them. Let them sit for 30 minutes.
2. Scoop out your dates with a slotted spoon and put in a food processor with the salt and vanilla and optional peanut butter. Pulse until broken down. Then run the machine and drizzle in liquid through the chute 1/4 cup at a time. I used the sweetened soaking water, because waste not-want not. But it could be milk here. I found that 3/4 cup was the right consistency for me. It will thicken up the fridge so 3/4 cup liquid was a tad on the loose side (I had a momentary blip where I doubted myself and thought I had messed it up, then after an hour in the fridge was PERFECT.)
3. That's it. Serve with apple slices. Feel a bit smug about being naughty and healthy simultaneously as you eat it.
Google says it lasts for up to a week in the fridge but we ate it in about 3 days. It makes about a cup's worth so feel free to double or triple if you have a family to feed.
Hello and welcome to Fairy Tale Friday. Are you
sitting comfortably? Good. Then I’ll begin.
Today we look at a lushly costumed version of Snow
White starring Julia Roberts entitled Mirror Mirror. I liked it because it was
funny and the effects like the magic mirror were different than we have ever
seen them—the mirror is like water and the stepmother steps through the liquid
reflection and then emerges from a lake on the other side. There is also some
interesting puppetry and stop-motion animation which lifts this film from the
ordinary. The most striking aspect of the film were the stunningly outrageous
costumes designed by Eiko Ishioka who created costumes for Bram Stoker’s Dracula.
This film was her last film, and she was nominated posthumously for an Academy
Award for Best Costume Design.
Most importantly, there is a strong and capable Snow
White who learns to fight as well as having a strong moral centre. This film was directed by Tarsem Singh who
also directed the video for R.E.M.’s Losing my Religion. In an interview he
says that he wanted the film to reflect that the stepmother was not bad, just
terrible insecure.
Acting is interesting in this—Lily Collins (daughter
of Phil Collins) tries hard to be both beautiful and have spunk. Armie Hammer
(which just sounds like slightly off product placement for Arm & Hammer) is
the prince who also has spunk and a bit of a twinkle and gets to play a dog.
Julia Roberts has a lot of charisma and an accent that seems to fluctuate—she sounds posh and sort of British but then slips in
to sort of nasal American when being sarcastic. But her timing is impeccable.
Thanks to Wikipedia for a summary in which I will
insert comments in.
Note: This film begins
with a stunning stop-motion animation with the baby being born and the wife
dying in childbirth. We see the father raising the daughter and then
remarrying. We see the new wife giving them matching crescent moon necklaces
(this will be important later, oh best beloved) and lastly we see him go off to
fight…where he was never heard from again so presumed dead. Watch the stunning
animation here: (in the film it has a sarcastic voiceover from Julia Roberts
but I like this silent version with a musical underscore better)
A widowed King marries an evil witch named Clementianna, the most beautiful woman in the
land. One day, the king leaves to fight an evil Beast that resides in the
forest, but never returns; Clementianna rules in his absence, while confining
her young stepdaughter, Snow White, to the palace. Note:
We
see here that she has kept her stepdaughter confined physically in the palace
and mentally by belittling her in that mean girl way through humiliation which
is always underscored with jealousy. There is a great scene of a game of human
chess with the players all wearing fantastic hats all made like giant ships
perched on bewigged heads. Here an older rich man tries to woo the stepmother,
but she is having none of it as she wants a handsome toyboy not an older
sugardaddy.
10 years later, Snow White desires to
explore the kingdom and sneaks out. Walking through the forest, she meets the
visiting Prince Andrew Alcott, who has been robbed by a band of Dwarves;
she and the prince become smitten with each other. Snow White arrives in the
town, and finds the people are destitute due to the Queen's heavy taxation. Note:
She
remembers the town when her father was alive as a place all in colour where
people were always dancing and singing, but now it is all in sepia and everyone
is poor due to the high taxation rate of the stepmother to fund her lavish
lifestyle.
Meanwhile, Clementianna is introduced to
Alcott and plans to marry him for his wealth. Note:
There
is a great scene where the stepmother goes through several torturous beauty
treatments (many of which are real treatments) to look her best for the ball.
Watch it here:
Clementianna throws a ball to woo the
Prince, and Snow White secretly attends, planning to ask the prince to help her
restore the kingdom. Note: It
is a costume ball and the costumes are astounding. It is an animal theme, and
the costumes are so ridiculously extravagant and yet you cannot stop looking. There is also a hint of Cinderella as she runs away from the ball. Watch
it here:
The Queen notices them dancing and orders
her manservant Brighton to take the princess into the forest and feed her to
the Beast. Brighton leaves Snow White in the forest, and she flees the Beast,
collapsing at the door to the Dwarves' hideout; the dwarves take her in and
introduce themselves as Grimm, Butcher, Wolf, Napoleon, Half Pint, Grub, and
Chuck. When Brighton collects more taxes levied by the Queen to pay for her
expensive parties, the Dwarves rob him. Snow White takes the money and returns
it to the townspeople, crediting the Dwarves, whom the people hail as heroes. Note:
It
is said that the Queen drove away anything deformed or ugly and so the dwarves
were banished to the forest for being different and that the townspeople fear
them due to their disability. They live as highwaymen in the woods and have
created these enormous accordion pleat springy acrobatic trousers that make
them look like fierce giants. Snow White gives them the credit for stealing the
money and returning it to the village so that the townsfolk will see them as kind
and not something to be afraid of. See them in their springy trousers here:
Clementianna informs Alcott that Snow
White is dead. Note: Here we have a scene
where Julia Roberts gets to be prickly and funny. After the Prince confesses
that he thinks Snow White is the most beautiful, she callously mentions she has
been killed by the beast and tries to propose marriage. Watch it here:
When the Prince finds out that the bandits
have robbed Brighton, he goes after them. In the forest, Alcott discovers that
Snow White is alive and in league with the Dwarves, who have trained her in
combat. Each believing the other to be in the wrong, Snow White and Alcott
duel. Alcott returns to the Palace defeated and informs the Queen that Snow
White is alive. Note: There is a montage
where she learns to fight in her big white dress and then she gets a makeover
and gets some snazzy wide legged trousers and a sword. Watch the fight scene
here:
Clementianna enters her Mirror House, within which lives her
reflection, the Mirror Queen. Clementianna has the Mirror Queen temporarily
turn Brighton into a cockroach, and requests a love potion so she can make the
prince fall in love with her. The potion turns out to be a 'puppy love' potion
and the prince becomes devoted to her like a puppy dog. Under this spell, the
prince agrees to marry her. Note: This
scene is hilarious. It must have been so fun to film.
Using dark magic,
the Queen attacks Snow White and the Dwarves with two giant marionettes;
but Snow White defeats them by finding and cutting their strings. Note:
This
scene was incredible—the way the magic was wrought, the puppetry, the execution
of the fight. It would have only made it better if Ray Harryhausen had some it
as stop-motion animation. Watch it here:
On the day of her wedding, Clementianna
arrives to find that Snow White and the Dwarves have robbed the party and
abducted the Prince; for her inability to handle bandits and for lying about
Snow White's death, the aristocrats demand the Queen be deposed. Back in the
forest, Snow White manages to break the spell on Alcott with a kiss. Note:
A
nice gender swap twist here with her having to kiss him to break a spell. She
is a bit nervous as it is her first kiss and despite wearing thick burgundy
lipstick throughout the whole time she has been out fighting with the dwarves
in the woods she suddenly needs makeup. Her lips go pale and one of the dwarves
gives her some natural makeup by rubbing a strawberry that has miraculously
grown in the dead of winter onto her lips and she is back to her deep burgundy
lips.
Snow White encounters Clementianna, who
sends the Beast after her. Prince Alcott tries to save Snow White, but the
Beast captures her. However, the Beast hesitates in killing her and Snow White
sees that it wears a necklace with a moon charm on it similar to the one the
Queen wears. Snow White cuts the necklace off, breaking Clementianna’s spell,
and restoring the Beast to its true form: Snow White’s father. Clementianna
begins to age rapidly; the Mirror Queen explains this is the price for using
dark magic.
Grateful to Alcott for his assistance, the
king agrees to let him marry Snow White. At the wedding, a hooded crone appears
and offers Snow White an apple as a wedding gift. At first, Snow White accepts
the apple; but, as she is about to bite it, she realizes that the crone is
Clementianna. Snow White cuts a piece from the apple and gives it to
Clementianna, who reluctantly accepts it. The Mirror House shatters declaring
it Snow White's story after all. Snow White and the Dwarves live happily ever
after. Note: But not before Snow White
and her friends break out into a Bollywood style closing number to a film that
has not been a musical. I know. I am as puzzled as you are. Watch it here:
Bonus points if you noticed her Louisiana College coloured wedding dress.
That’s all for this week. Stay tuned next week for another
film version of our classic tale.
Hello lovelies! Sometimes you are just craving “dirty”
food—like spicy nachos with a gooey cheesy sauce that you eat with your fingers
and get really messy which feels like you are twelve again and splitting and order
of loaded nachos with your bestie at the roller rink. Just me, then?
Jalapeño peppers always remind me of dear old dad. He
always had a jar of pickled jalapeños in the fridge.
This recipe comes together in a snap if you have
lentils already cooked. Lentils are my go-to substitute for ground meat. They
are hearty and wholesome and a whole food. They freeze well too so I cook up 2
cups of brown lentils at a time in a strong broth make with 5 cups vegetable
stock, a glug of tamari, a teaspoon of yeast extract, 6 cloves of garlic and a
teaspoon mixed herbs. Boil then simmer until the lentils are tender (about 20
minutes) and most of the liquid is absorbed. If you plan to freeze then cook
them slightly al dente. If you get distracted and they overcook they just lose
their shape a bit and melt down a bit softer. They still taste good, so don’t
worry. Make sure you use green lentils, brown lentils or black Puy lentils for
this—not red or you will be left with mush. 2 cups dried lentils makes 4
portions of 1.25 cups each of meaty goodness. I divide mine into click lock
sandwich boxes that stack well in my small freezer. Just defrost overnight in
the fridge.
This also uses my go-to cheese sauce mix—it is a dry
powder mix that takes 5 minutes to make. You just add 1/3 cup dry mix to 1 cup
plant based milk and whisk. You can make macaroni cheese or cheese sauces like
this one. It is so easy. Find the recipe HERE.
Jalapeño Nachos for Two
200g bag of tortilla chips (100g for each person)
1 onion, diced
Garlic (we used 4 cloves)
3 tsp Mexican spice mix—like taco
seasoning
1.25 cups cooked lentils (or a tin of
black beans or kidney beans, drained and rinsed)
1 cup unsweetened plant based milk—I used
soya milk
1/3 cup chopped pickled jalapeños
Optional:
If you have some vegan sour cream or plain natural
yogurt with a squeeze of lemon or lime juice that works too if you want a
cooling topping. We have eaten it both ways-- with and without sour cream-- and
it is all good.
1. Divide the tortilla chips between two plates or
large bowls.
2. Cook the onion and garlic in a splash of water or
oil until softened. Add the Mexican spice mix, lentils and salsa and put the
lid on to heat it up.
3. While the meaty sauce bubbles away start heating
the cheese. In another smaller pot add the powder, the milk and the jalapeño peppers
and turn up the heat to medium high, whisking constantly until it bubbles and
thickens. This sauce gets lovely and gooey.
4. Add the meaty mixture to your tortilla chips and
then top with cheesy jalapeño sauce and the optional sour cream.
5. Eat with your fingers and make a huge mess while
laughing about your misspent youth wanting to be a roller disco queen despite
the fact that you cannot skate. Just me, again?
Hello and welcome to Fairy Tale Friday. Are you
sitting comfortably? Good. Then I’ll begin.
This week because Halloween was Saturday, we decided
to watch a horror film version of our classic fairy tale entitled Snow
White: A Deadly Summer. I will be honest, this should really be titled Snow
White: A Deadly Dullness, but we got a few (unintentional) laughs out of it.
It does bear some resemblance to our fairy tale. There
is a young girl named Snow (a nickname she acquired because of a snowflake
blankie she had as a baby), a clueless father, a stepmother who wants the
father all to herself who talks to both her bathroom mirror and a small compact
mirror so she can be evil away from home, seven “friends” and some woods.
Basically the plot is this: Teenage Snow (played by Shanley
Caswell) is an unconvincing tearaway whose is doted on by her father Eric
Roberts who you might remember as the Master in the Paul McGann’s eighth incarnation
of the Doctor in Doctor Who. Perhaps he regrets overacting in that and has
decided to underact here to make up for that performance. Here, he appears to
be played by a sleeping plank of wood phoning in his performance from a
payphone from the 1980s. The stepmother Eve (geddit…like Eve with the apple) is played by none other than Marcia Brady herself
Maureen McCormick. She convinces her husband to send Snow away to a boot camp
for delinquent kids that she seems to suspiciously know way too much about.
Snow and the seven other campers are picked off one by one by a stranger (or is
it??) in a hoodie in the woods and then ends with the most unbelievably trite “I
cannot believe they went there” ending.
It is meant to be a horror film, but it is remarkably
bloodless. It is full of continuity errors as well as cheap effects and
costumes. Supposedly it had a $1,000,000
budget which makes me wonder what they heck they spent the money on. All of the
night scenes that happen in the woods for several days in a row show the same
shot of a full moon partially covered by a rabbit shaped cloud and then all the
all the actual night scenes with dialogue were filmed in the daytime with an
unconvincing blue filter. If I were not teetotal, seeing that same full moon
for several nights on the trot would have made an excellent drinking game.
It is a modern story, so no need for period costumes. No
need for any costumes really. All the delinquent kids look like they were told “wear
some jeans and a black t-shirt” because everyone looks like they dressed
themselves. For the killer, just put on a hoodie.
It was directed by David DeCoteau who directed such
classics as Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama and my personal
favourite 90210 Shark. Need I say more?
There wasn’t a cohesive summary so I have combined
details from 2 reviews (COMINGSOON.NET and TAILSLATE.NET) which I will insert comments into.
This Snow White is a rich girl named Snow Hoffman
who is acting out because she doesn’t like her father’s new wife, Eve. Apparently, she is a delinquent
who is out of control. The audience only sees her as an unknowing accomplice to
a stolen joyride with her boyfriend where she shouts “Woooo!” a lot. Eve wants
Snow out of the picture, so after the troubled teen is party to grand theft
auto, Snow’s father agrees with Eve’s suggestion of a 4-week discipline camp. She suggests this not because she cares anything for the girl’s well-being, but because her paranoia
– represented, how else, by talking to herself in the mirror – has taken
control and she needs to eliminate the threat. Note:
I’m
assuming Hoffman is her surname, since a sign reading it hangs up in her home—but
Hoffman was also the surname used in the Sigourney Weaver version. Also, their
house is just that sort of “we have so much money we have lots of white furniture we don’t clean, we just replace when it gets dirty”
sort of look about it, including the most bizarre sculpture of a piece of
driftwood wearing red high-heeled shoes. We see Eve giving herself a pep talk
in the bathroom mirror (I mean we’ve all done that, right?) but her reflection
talks back and tells her that she will never be truly loved unless Snow is out
of the way. Every time she talked to herself we shouted “Marcia, Marcia,
Marcia!” which also would have made an excellent drinking game. Maureen
McCormick tries here—she does have a go at doing “crazy eyes” but I really miss
the confidence and spunk she had as Marcia Brady.
Dragged off in the middle of the night, Snow
then finds herself at Camp Allegiance along with seven other campers (Snow
White and the Seven Delinquents). In charge isex-Navy
SEAL Colonel Hunter who takes great pleasure in whipping spoiled, selfish teens
into shape to turn them into well-behaved and productive members of society.
His plan for this is by having them do tons of push-ups and jumping jacks and
some light manual labour.Unfortunately they will also be killed
one-by-one.Note: Yes, this boot camp sends thugs to drag your
wayward child away in the night while you sit on the white sofa and drink chardonnay
and try to look like you are vaguely upset that your only daughter is being
roughly manhandled, but instead look like you were thinking about what might be
on television tonight. These are also the least impressive group of bad kids I
have ever seen. They remind me of those Trixie Belden girl detective books where
Trixie puts on mascara and eyebrow pencil as a disguise and no one recognises
her because she looks like a “bad girl.” It is like what Jack Webb from Dragnet
thought hippies were like. They are the least convincing, most bland white-bread
“have you ever even MET a teenager???” group of kids I have ever seen. They all are supposed to be bad-ass with excessive
drinking and drug taking and car jacking and thieving, but they all look like
they’d be too afraid to do any of those things. It reminds of this boy I knew
at summer camp who, in an effort to try to be cool, endlessly whittered on
about “havinga nic fit” (as if he were
suffering from withdrawals from nicotine) which was just sad and laughable.
There is one girl in the film who has a flask of brandy she stole from her
mother to show she is heavy drinker from which she occasionally takes a tiny
swig. She has some sort of twitchy heroin withdrawal for half a minute as well.
We have been watching episodes of Law and Order from the mid 90s on DVD and let me tell ya—those kids know
how to look tough and street smart. That TV show puts this film to shame.
But someone else is cutting in, killing
the campers one by one (or two at a time when the chance presents itself). For
some reason, Snow has dreams that predict these deaths. Not that this
extraneous ability helps anyone all that much, other than providing a
convenient excuse for badly shot murder scenes.
The kills are just as poorly handled. They all happen in broad daylight.
They’re all bloodless. The staging suggests a director who has never been
behind a camera before. Note: This director has been behind a
camera before but judging by the type of film he normally makes (soft porn to
cheap schlock horror) staging doesn’t seem to matter. The slutty girl (There
always is one. Here she looks like a bargain version of Mean Girl Regina
George) gets strangled by her own gold chain, but the body has no markings or
bruising on the neck. The smart one who is only pretending to be a wayward teen
and is secretly an undercover reporter gets it in the shower and then appears as
if someone wiped a french fry with ketchup on her face. On and on it goes. The
schoolgirl detective one tells us that at this very same camp 30 years ago in
1987 a terrible murder happened, and the murderer escaped and was never seen
again. Cue ominous music. There is also a scene where our protagonist is
rescued by a wild woman with snaggly teeth who has been living in the woods in
a little hut in easy walking distance from the main camp that the police have
failed to notice for the last 30 years. She was there at the camp and a mean
girl named Eve (Shock! Horror! The same as her stepmother!) murdered her
boyfriend because he looked at another girl and then blamed her, so she ran off
to live reasonably nearby as a wild woman. So now we know that the Hoodie Murderer
is her STEPMOTHER! Gasp!!! We have the only scene actually shot at night where
the stepmother gets a pep talk from her compact mirror and then lowers her hood
and tries to kill Snow while her new delinquent boyfriend and the wild woman
(who now has perfect teeth) fight her off and throw her over a cliff.
And then we have the ending. The terrible ending. The terrible-horrible-no-good-very
bad ending. The ending that must be the first thing you are taught at film
school not to use—it was all a dream. Because it turns out that everything Snow had experienced had been a
nightmare caused by a drug overdose. Regarding Eve, her father reveals to Snow
that Eve committed suicide after being told that he wouldn't abandon Snow for
her. Just like at the end of the film (not the book!) of the Wizard of Oz where
they gaslight Dorothy into believing it was all a dream, she sees all the other
“delinquent” kids, who were actually just kids in a psychiatric hospital and
recognises them from her dream. Now they are all wearing jeans and white
t-shirts to prove they are in a different setting than black t-shirt survival
camp. Then the nurse comes in and SHOCK! HORROR! She looks just like her
stepmother. She also has a hugh-jass needle because needles are scary, kids!
Comingsoon.net says And whoever said this movie is
like “Children of the Corn Meets A Nightmare on Elm Street” needs their head
examined and I would agree. Also the cover art features Snow in a sexy
white dress covered in blood, red stilettos which would be impossible to wear
in the woods and an axe which never features in the film.
Overall, this was terrible. But it did give us a few
unintentional laughs.
That’s all for this week. Stay tuned next week for a
more conventional film starring Julia Roberts as the stepmother.
