It’s all in how you say it

This is a transcript of an actual conversation between me and Spiderman this morning:

Me: I had the strangest dream last night.

SM: You? Have strange dreams? Never!

Me: Shut up! Seriously. It was all about a new form of art called basing.

SM: This basing wouldn’t be free, perchance?

Me: Yes, I’m getting to that. We were a family and we had discovered a fun new activity to do with the kids called basing.

SM: By kids you mean the spiders?

Me: No...proper kids.

SM: (leaning over the spider tanks) Don’t listen to Mummy, girls. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.

Me: You know what I mean. Human children. Anyway, we were into basing. Which was some sort of metal-work activity that produced a sculpture. You take pieces of base metal (hence the name basing) and blow torch them and the heat makes the metal turn different colours--each base metal made a different colour. Then you did something manually and created a sculpture. I never could quite see what we were doing--all the “camera angles” of the dream were the backs of our heads sitting in a circle around the table.

SM: Right….

Me: Anyway, basing is a very expensive hobby (the price of scrap metal is very high--why do you think thieves are always stealing lead off of roofs and such?) and we were very excited that we found a bunch of materials on FREECYCLE and so all we had to do was go over to the house where they were giving it away and pick it up! We had to borrow a truck because there was  so much metal. They even gave us the blow torch! Think of all the basing we could do for free!

SM: Skip to the end.

Me: I’m getting there. Our kids went to school after half term and told their teacher that they had been freebasing with their parents and so the school called Child Protective Services on us.

Strange narrator appearing out of nowhere to say:

We interupt your regularly scheduled blog to bring you this. Freebasing, for those of you who don’t know is (according to Urban Dictionary)

A method of inhaling drugs by holding a flame under a metal spoon filled with cocaine or any crushed pill. One holds a flame under the spoon and collects the fumes from the crushed pills in an empty bottle and the inhales these fumes by taking a hit off the bottle You may now return to your regularly scheduled blog.

SM: (laughing)

Me: Because the kids were quite young they couldn’t explain it properly so all they kept saying was, “After you heat it up, you can see all the colours” which clearly did not show us in a favourable light. Then I woke up before I found out if the children were removed into protective custody because of modern art.

SM: you are so weird, but I love you.

This is my island in the sun

I was inspired by a recipe on my new favourite blog Including Cake to mash up 2 recipes I already had to create this--Tropical Dhal. Her recipe was red lentils cooked in coconut milk with some fried red onions and sliced mango on top. It made way more than we can eat, plus I had a dahl recipe where it makes the perfect amount for 2 if you add lots of roasted veg to it (which I usually do) but this time I just subbed in the veg from another recipe where you roast sweet potato, red onion, a pepper and chopped mango in a hot oven. Whoa it was lovely! It was beautiful to look at to boot with all those bright yellows and oranges. I had been waiting and watching with my eagle eyes to find mangos at the market. Finally, I found 3 for £1 and we have eaten them 3 different ways this week, but this has been my most favourite.

Tropical Dhal

Preheat you oven to 220C/425F and put your roasting tin in the oven to be heating. This is the secret to making these veg roast in 20 minutes.

You need:

1 sweet potato, chopped (I don’t bother to peel)

1 red onion, chopped

1 red or orange pepper, chopped (red would look better, but all I had was orange)

I ripe mango, peeled and chopped in large chunks

1-2 TB olive oil

Coat all the veg in the oil in a mixing bowl. When the oven has preheated, carefully take out the hot pan and tip the oily veg into it and it will make a satisfying sizzle sound! Put it back in the oven to roast for 20 minutes. In the meantime do this:

Heat in a large saucepan the following ingredients:

1 tin light coconut milk (or cheat like I did and puree 2 cups “milk” and 1/3 cup desiccated coconut in your blender)

Half a tin chopped tomatoes (roughly 200g)

¾ cup red lentils, picked over and rinsed

1 tsp garam masala (I used ras el hanout which is basically garam masala but with dried rose petals in it)

Bring to the boil then cover and simmer, stirring occasionally until liquid has absorbed which is about 20 minutes.

After 20 minutes of roasting, check the veg to see if the sweet potatoes are cooked through (mine were) --if not back into the oven they go for a few more minutes.

Top the dahl with some tropical roasted veg,  then eat and feel like you are on some kind of island paradise.

Zombie Prom

I don’t know why I didn’t do this sooner. I do tonnes of sewing and I have never had a proper pin cushion. Well, I did have one when we lived in the US but it was in the one box that got lost when it was shipped to us. All my sewing and craft stuff was in the box which breaks my hearts, but after all these years I can hardly recall what was in the box. Occasionally, I will wistfully remark, “Remember those tiny cookie cutters shaped like leaves that I used to use with clay? I miss those.” But other than that…not too much.

But I have never gotten around to making a new pin cushion. I’ve always used a sparkly red star shaped box  that was meant to hold a tea light candle. A girl named Amy bought it for me years ago as a gift for being her class Teaching Assistant. But there were problems with it. If you knocked it over (which I did all the time) then pins went EVERYWHERE which made me swear like a bloody sailor as I picked them up. Then a few hours later when Spiderman found the one pin I had missed which was still carelessly lying on the floor waiting to plunge it self dagger-like into your foot he would swear like a bloody sailor.

But no more. I had a dream about making one that strapped onto the wrist. Like a corsage a boy would give you if you were going to prom, but with pins in it. Like a Voodoo Corsage for a Zombie Prom. The only thing was it had to be made out of materials I already had. It had to be FREE.

So I mooched around my scrap boxes. I found some lovely leafy blue and green fabric (left over from making an apron) for the wristband. I found some green, royal blue and turquoise felt that kinda matched the fabric. I have loads of elastic scraps. I knew I could do it.

I did a quick shifty round the old internet just to get a few ideas. I could see what I wanted it to look like, but needed to know a bit of technique to make it. Here is the end result:

view from the top

view from the bottom, plus a tattoo

the whole shebang

I love it. It is really comfortable because I used wide elastic. Some websites I visited called for using a hair band but I think that would have been thin and uncomfortable. Besides, I didn’t have a hair band so that would break the rule of making it for free.

So no more pins on the floor which makes everyone happy. Plus I feel all special like I’m going to Prom (even if  my religious fanatic of a mother told me the dress showed my “dirty pillows”) and then when I got there I was elected Prom Queen and it was happiest moment of my life until some bullies dropped a bucket of pig blood on my head and then I killed everyone with my telekinetic powers.

Sorry…got a bit carried away there….that was something else entirely….

Smoke me a (pepper) I’ll be back for breakfast

Anyone a fan of Red Dwarf? Space pilot and all round cool guy Ace Rimmer always says “Smoke me a kipper, I’ll be back for breakfast.” Which annoys the other Rimmer because a cooler version of  himself has just dimension jumped into his universe making him look like a bit of a wanker. But to be fair, he still looked like that even without the uber-cool Ace Rimmer. When he tried to use the catch phrase it came out like “Stoke me a clipper, I’ll be back for Christmas.”

What does this have to do with *anything* I hear you cry? Well, not much if I’m honest. It is a rather (tenuous) link to the fact that we bought a tin of chipotle peppers in  adobe sauce at Whole Foods the last time we were in London. This was a real treat because I can’t find these smoky peppers locally.

 But you only use a bit a time, so what’s a thrifty spider to do with what’s left? Freeze them, of course!

I poured the whole tin of whole peppers and spicy sauce into my food processor and WHAM! Pureed it up into a lovely, smoky, spicy gloop. Then I carefully spooned it into ice cube trays. I was shocked because it made 23 cubes which more than makes up for spending £3 and a bit on the tin.

Then I froze them for 24 hours, popped them out of the ice trays (washed the trays well to get rid of the smoky smell) and plonked those babies in a ziplock freezer bag. Oh, yeah.

Now when I want one all I do is pull one out and after the onion has cooked down a bit and started to caramelise I chuck a cube (or 2) in the hot and pot and it melts and coats the onions before I add all the other ingredients and the end product is a smoky, spicy treat.

 I am so thrilled I did this and it doesn’t take up much space in our tiny freezer but it sure makes a difference in the taste of the meal.

Mmmmmm……now go and do it yourself!    

Lemon Blueberry Cornmeal Cake

We’ve been on a healthy dessert kick recently. I saw this recipe on http://www.neverhomemaker.com/2013/01/lemon-cornmeal-cake-blueberries.html  and knew we had to make it. I recall once splitting a slice of polenta cake at a Pizza Express with my Mother-In-Law and it was delish. This recipe is just like that--tart from the lemon with a hint of sweetness and a few bursts of blueberries. Plus healthy, but it doesn’t taste like it. That’s the best kind.

I did adapt the recipe slightly (Spiderman says this is a pathological trait with me--I can’t cook without a small tweak) 

Preheat your oven to 180C/350F

Lemon Blueberry Cornmeal Cake

You need:

1 cup rolled oats, pulsed into flour

2/3 cup yellow cornmeal (I used fine polenta)

1 TB baking powder

½ tsp sea salt

Juice of 2 lemons (1/3 cup)

Zest of one lemon

¼-1/3 cup sugar (I used ¼ cup Light at Heart--half Demerara sugar half stevia-- which is as sweet as ½ cup sugar)

½ cup “milk” (she used almond milk I used Oatly)

1 flax egg (1 TB ground flax mixed with 3 TB hot water and allowed to jell for a few minutes)

1 tsp vanilla essence

1 cup frozen blueberries (she used ½ a cup blueberries but for me I wanted more so I just dumped the whole punnet in there)

How to do it:

Note: she cooked hers in a cast iron pan that she preheated in the oven and it took half as long as mine did in my 9 inch ceramic pie pan that was not preheated. We once tried to preheat the ceramic pan and then spoon cold dough with frozen blueberries into it and the pan exploded. Not fun. So I’ll give directions for both kinds of pans.

1. In a food processor, pulse your oats until they resemble flour. Then briefly pulse in the cornmeal, baking powder and salt. Pour into a large mixing bowl

2. Add the rest of the ingredients--minus the blueberries--and mix until well combined.

Note: mine was a bit like a science experiment--the baking soda and the lemon made a fizzing noise when I mixed them. That was the fun bit!

3. Stir in the blueberries.

4. EITHER take out your hot cast iron pan and add a TB of oil and pour it in and swirl it around to grease the pan OR do like I did and grease your not preheated pan well with some oil.

5. Pour the mixture into the pan.

6. If you are baking in the preheated cast iron pan she said bake it for 15-20 minutes until centre is set. If you are baking in the not preheated  pan then bake for 30-35 minutes until golden brown and set.

7. Let cool before slicing into wedges.

8. Optional: glaze with ¼ cup sifted icing sugar and a drizzle of “milk” to make it

glaze-y. It hardens into a sweet crackle top that is a nice contrast to the tartness below.

The second best bit after the fizzing is this:

When you’ve eaten a few wedges it looks like PAC-MAN!

C is for Cookie (and Chickpeas)

Recently we had a meeting at church where we were required to provide tea and goodies for all those attending. On occasions such as this is my job to provide something vegan and gluten free so others like me can enjoy a treat along with everyone else. I know from experience how sad you feel (and hungry) when everyone else gets homemade baked goods and there is nothing for you. So I made a batch of my secret ingredient cookies. Don’t look at me like that. These are rich and moist and  like tiny bites of cake and very morish.

C is for Cookie (and Chickpeas)

Preheat oven to 180C/350F and line a baking sheet with parchment paper.

1 tin chickpeas drained and well rinsed (I find tinned ones to better for this than home cooked ones--you want mushy ones not firm ones)

1.5 TB liquid sweetener--maple syrup, agave, whatever--I used golden syrup

1.5 TB rapeseed (canola) oil

¼ tsp blackstrap molasses

1 tsp cinnamon

¼ tsp nutmeg

1 tsp vanilla essence

1 flax egg (1 TB flax meal mixed with 3 TB hot water and allowed to gel for a few minutes)

1/3-½ cup brown sugar  (I used Tate and Lyle Light at Heart which is half Demerara sugar half stevia--¼ cup = ½ cup sweetness)

Mix all this in your food processor.

Then blend in

¼ cup gluten free flour. Not the kind with starch--just flour. I used buckwheat. You could probably use wholemeal pastry flour if you don’t need to be gluten free.

Spoon into a bowl and mix in

2-3 TB chocolate chips, 2-3 TB dried cranberries and (optionally) 2-3 TB sunflower seeds.

Then form into walnut sized balls  and bake for 15-18 minutes. Mine were really moist inside at 15 minutes--like eating raw cookie dough (which is not that bad…) but at 18 minutes were brown on the outside and cooked in the middle like little cakes. It made 15 cookies.

They were snaffled up by everyone--not just special diet people so I know they were good.

Now go make them yourself.

Sneaky Snake

I had a weird dream last night--Spiderman would say when did I not have weird dreams--but this one was doozy.

I was at school, minding my business on the way to the photocopier when I spied 3 large black snakes slithering down the corridor. I quickly moved in for a closer look and I could see the mark on the back of their neck and recognised that they were COBRAS. Cobras! In school! Oh No!


Bravely, I grabbed a push broom and managed to herd them into the music room and slammed the door. Then I sent someone to tell the office to phone the police and another person to find the caretaker to lock the door. I could see the cobras rolling around on the floor with some recorders and felt very frightened.

Whilst I was waiting for the caretaker several children came up and asked to be let in to the music room to retrieve their musical instrument. "YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE BECAUSE THE ROOM IS FULL OF COBRAS!" I shouted. No one else seemed to be taking this as seriously as I was. I made a sign and taped it to the door that read:
WARNING--DANGEROUS COBRAS

Just then our secretary came to tell me that the police told her to phone the London Zoo and so she had. As I was waiting for some experienced herpetologist from the Zoo to arrive several more children came by and asked to enter the music room. By now the snakes were all coiled around the Djembe drums. "NO!" I shouted. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! THERE ARE COBRAS IN THERE!"  Then a child pointed through the window and said, "Well if I can't go in, how come Will can go in?" To my horror I noticed a boy from year 4 in the music room. Oh dear God--I had locked the boy in with the cobras! He was "off with the fairies" as they say--completely oblivious to the danger. "WILL!" I hissed (the irony of why I was whispering to avoid being heard by snakes was not lost on me--the hissing made me feel rather like a snake myself which made me all shivery)and I finally got his attention and managed to get him out of the room unharmed.

Just then someone from the Zoo arrived with a tube of anti-venom and a hook and a large bag. He was in there several minutes before he came and told me that these were, in fact, ROBOT COBRAS, not real ones. I was shocked and embarrassed by the fact that I had been fooled, but he kindly said, "Don't worry Miss, they were startlingly realistic. Anyone not a professional like myself would have been fooled."

Then I woke up. So yeah...just a normal night for me. But I did say to Spiderman, "I wish I could have found out who was controlling the robot cobras" and he replied:

IT WAS ME.
(which cracked me up)

So yeah, just an average day for us as a married couple. Sweet dreams!