The volcano in my ear…

…Has finally erupted. I am on anti-biotic tablets now with cotton wool in my ear. It feels better already albeit a bit messy. I am also temporarily deaf on that side, but that could be from the cotton wool. Without the cotton there is an unpleasant ringing in my ear, but that will subside within 24 hours.

When I was seeing my doctor and he was trying to sort me out some anti-biotics he absentmindedly asked me if I was on the pill (anti-biotics make the pill less effective so they advise back up birth control) and then suddenly he slapped his forehead with his palm and said, “No of course you are not. I remember…hysterectomy…gigantic fibroids….heavy as a bag of sugar” and I swear his eyes were as big as saucers and he trembled as he said it . So yeah, that’s me. Giant fibroid girl. Thanks for remembering.

 Anyway, during my confinement I have had way too much time on my hands and have had to resort to  pondering questions like “What was the other hit song by Rick Springfield besides Jessie’s Girl? The answer in case you care (and even if you don’t) is I‘ve done everything for you (you‘ve done nothing for me). Why should anyone be thinking of Rick Springfield, you ask? Well it was because I was remembering a girl I went to school with whose name I will not mention but who we shall call DD as those were her initials. DD was completely in *love* with Rick Springfield  when we were in junior high. She wore nothing but Rick Springfield concert shirts and  I’m sure she even had one made up at the mall that said DD loves Rick (and I believe Rick loves DD on the back). Every day right after lunch she was overcome with illness so that should could go home and watch her beloved Rick as he played Dr Noah Drake on General Hospital. The office got wise to her scheme and refused to send her home but she kicked up such a fuss at home--refusing to eat or saying she’d kill herself or whatever it took--that her folks bought her a VCR so she could record General Hospital. “So, what’s the big deal?” you ask. “We’ve all got one of those gadgets these days.” Well honey-child, you must remember this was the 1980s when all that technology was brand spanking new and quite expensive. We had only just started fazing out 8 tracks and Beta Max in 1982. If you don’t know what those are then you are seriously too young to be reminiscing with me. Anyway, they spent like $800 to buy a video recorder and all was well. No more missed school for DD. But then it happened--duh duh DUH!

DD went to a Rick Springfield concert and was on the first row. She was so close she could touch him and probably did. But then it happened. Rick was a bit phlegm-y from all that singing and  he SPAT into the audience. Right in DD’s hair. Now if anyone gobbed in my hair (famous or not) I’d be pretty pissed, but not DD. She was delighted. And proceeded to walk around with a big old glob of Rick Springfield loogey on her head. And she proudly told everyone what it was and why she didn’t plan on washing her hair again. This probably only went on for a few days but when you are in junior high and can actually, truly die of shame it seemed longer to me. I recall the guidance councillors calling her in for a friendly chat. Ditto the kindly Christian PE teacher. But to no avail. Eventually she did wash her hair and eventually she went off Rick Springfield.

But here’s the kicker: She always pretended it NEVER happened. I mean we were all there. But she would swear when we were seniors that we must have been thinking of someone else. She would say “Who?” when we would mention Rick Springfield--like she had no idea who we were talking about. Then we’d say, “Oh DD you simply must remember. You were obsessed. You wore nothing but Rick Springfield shirts, your parents bought you a VCR so you could tape General Hospital! Dude you wore a glob of his spit in your hair!” And she would look at you right in the eyes, cock her head to the side like she was thinking hard, then shake her head slowly and say, “No. That wasn’t me. I never watch the soaps.” And the rest of us would fall about because we knew it was a bunch of hooey.    Maybe it was trauma-- the ball of phlegm hit her head so hard it caused amnesia. I don’t know. I personally think a person should remember (and laugh) at their silly/embarrassing childhood exploits so I’ll start us off.

These are just a few of my embarrassing moments.

I was truly in love with Shaun Cassidy and Leif Garrett in the 1970s and spent many hours deciding which one I was going to marry because they both were obviously going to want to marry me. How to choose? A few years later, just to show my disdain for the whole idea, I drew big red zits and green snot running out Shaun’s nose on my album cover. Had I had a Leif album I’m sure I would have done the same.

In the 4^th grade when filling out a form at school about what I wanted to be when I grew up I wrote “Disco Queen.” 

My older friend TH (who was forever leading me astray) told me that when I was 10 we were going to run away from home and live in a shack in the back of the soybean field  behind our houses and she would home school me because she was 2 years older. We would have a battery operated portable telly from Sears and because I blubbed agreed we could visit my folks on weekends. She made me do 4 hours of fire drill practice from my tree house one boring summer afternoon. She timed me and made me keep going until I had my time down to 30 seconds which included packing a big bag of provisions. I was so gullible back then I thought that word wasn’t in the dictionary.

I once wore my bra backwards on a bet in the 6^th grade to see if anyone noticed. They didn’t. This is probably due to the fact that I had no boobage at all and had no business wearing a bra in the first place unlike my 2 friends DD (not that one, another DD) and EG. DD was a tomboy and refused to be needing to wear one because she wanted to play sports. EG knew *exactly* what she was up to and all the boys were around her like bees on honeysuckle. 

The first real conversation I recall having with the boy who became my close friend (and is still my bestest friend today) was at the choir Christmas carolling concert. We were standing by the fire to warm up after carolling in the neighbourhood awaiting our steaming mugs of hot cocoa to arrive and I rather wittily remarked, “Do you want a weiner roast? Go stand in the fireplace.” Ho ho ho a cheap sexual allusion makes the world go round. It is surprising that he is still friends with me after a crap chat up line like that, but I am thankful he is. Thanks DW.

These are just some of the silly/embarrassing things I did before the age of 12. The list of silly things after the age of 12 could fill several volumes--WA HA / hoo ha 6:00 and all that jazz. LM if you’re reading this you know what I mean. KS if you are reading this ask your brother “What do ya think of them carrots?”  Nuff said.