Him: (looking a bit worried) Yes ma’am. Can I help?
Me: I am trying to locate the dates. They seemed to have moved house without telling me.
Him: The dates?
Me: Come here, young man and have a look. Do you see these dates here?
Him: I thought you were looking for dates.
Me: yes but not these dates. When a person eats dates it is because they want a healthy snack. These dates on the shelf here are glazed in glucose syrup which causes them to be so artificially shiny.
Him: Why would you do that to dates?
Me: Precisely my point. But next door to these dates lived a superior date called the medjool. It was not glazed in sugar syrup or palm oil like the horrible raisins you sell on aisle 3.
Him: (frankly looking a bit terrified) Um…Ok.
Me: Now last year the dates all lived over on aisle 3 with the other dried fruit like raisins and then inexplicably they moved house and wound up in produce. They have been here ever since in this precise spot . They have, however, fluctuated in price. They were both less than £2 (the best value anywhere) and then the organic ones went up by 15p and so I always bought the taste the difference ones, but then the taste the difference ones followed suit and now they both cost £2.15. This is still a better deal than Waitrose where they cost upwards of £2.50.
SM: Please tell me you did not go on and on about the history of the dates at Sainsburys to this poor lad.
Me: I’m afraid I did. Once I got on a roll I just couldn’t stop myself.
SM: Oh great now you’ll be known as the crazy dried fruit lady. Every time you walk into the shop they’ll all be huddled in produce and pointing at you saying, “there’s that crazy dried fruit lady.” I won’t even be able to go shopping with you now as they’ll say, “there’s that considerably older looking guy who is with the crazy dried fruit lady.”
Him: Did you try looking on aisle 3?
Me: Yes I did, young man but there were none to be found. Only your hideous raisins glazed in the tears of orang-utans.
Him: (taking a step backwards) Um…would you like me to go the back and see if there are any there?
Me: Yes please, that would be most kind.
Him: I’m so sorry, but there isn’t any back there and as there is no shelf label anymore I have to presume that we aren’t stocking them anymore. This sometimes happens with food that very few people buy.
Me: Not stocking them? Why that’s ridiculous. Every time I come there are only a few left on the shelf! Someone besides my good self must be buying them, it stands to reason!
Me: of course it is not your fault. You were very kind and tried to help. Is there a manager I could speak to, to commend you for your services?