I had a dream last night.
This is not unusual. I dream vividly every night. A
few nights ago, I had a terrible nightmare that I left bread baking in our oven
and went off to Canterbury Cathedral with my in-laws who were here on holiday
and our house burned down killing the Spiderbabes and the Bronte snail GALS.
No, this was one of my “crack-ass” dreams (as
Spiderman calls them.)
I am a firm believer that your everyday life bleeds
into your dreams. We have been watching DVD marathons of Law and Order from seasons
3-7. The good ones—the ones with Jerry
Orbach as Detective Lennie Briscoe.
I have such a crush on him.
Anyway, in this dream Charlotte Bronte the snail was
on trial for murder of a homeless man. I missed all the Law part…I did not
dream of her arrest, only the Order part where she was actually on trial. She
was being defending by Jack McCoy
(played by Sam Waterston) and the
prosecutor was Tovah Feldshuh (she
is on many episodes as a lawyer). I think of all the lawyers that have repeat
parts on the show my dream picked her because she is also in another favourite
show Crazy Ex Girlfriend playing Rachel
Bloom’s mother.
Interestingly, as I write this I have just realised
that the roles were reversed—on the show McCoy always is the prosecutor, not
the defence. In the dream, he was the defence.
Much of the dream is lost into the ether, but a few
fragments remain which I will try to recreate them for you.
They had Charlotte in her little terrarium on the
witness stand.
Tovah
Feldshuh: Where
were you the night John Doe was murdered?
Charlotte:
(eats lettuce)
Tovah
Feldshuh: I
ask you again, where were you?
Charlotte:
(eats lettuce)
Jack
McCoy: Your
honour, she’s a snail. She can’t talk.
Judge: Sit down, Mr McCoy. The witness
must answer the question.
Charlotte:
(eats lettuce)
Jack
McCoy: The
witness can’t answer! She’s a snail, for God’s sake!
Judge: Pipe down, Mr McCoy
or I will find you in contempt.
Tovah
Feldshuh: Permission
to treat as hostile, your honour?
Judge:
Permission
granted.
Tovah
Feldshuh: (takes
lettuce leaf away)
I don’t remember what else happened here, but the next
bit I remember was this.
Tovah
Feldshuh: You
claim your name is Charlotte but isn’t it true you are both male and female. A
hermaphrodite!
Jack
McCoy: Objection!
Irrelevant!
Tovah
Feldshuh: Goes
to credibility, your honour. If the witness lied about this, then we can show
she lied about other things.
Jack
McCoy: The
witness can’t lie. She’s a snail!
Judge:
Overruled. I’ll allow
it. Answer the question, Miss Bronte.
Charlotte:
(eats lettuce)
Tovah
Feldshuh: Isn’t
it true that as a Giant African Land Snail that you are a menace to society,
eating everything that gets in your path?
Jack
McCoy: Objection!
Tovah
Feldshuh: Giant
African Land Snails have been known to decimate crops. Is that what you did to
John Doe? Did you decimate him, too?
Jack
McCoy: Objection! She’s badgering the witness! Snails
don’t eat people! They are vegetarians! Besides, that’s not even what happened
to the victim.
Judge:
Calm down, Mr
McCoy. I’ll allow it.
The rest of the trial is a blur, but the ending I
remember clearly.
Judge:
Madame forewoman,
you have deliberated for three days. Is there any indication that if you have
more time, you will be able to reach a verdict?
Forewoman:
No, your honour. We
are deadlocked.
Judge:
Then I have no
recourse, but to declare a mistrial. (bangs gavel) The jury is dismissed.
The last bit of the dream took place in Adam Schiff’s office. In the show they
always end with him saying something pithy in his trademark gruff way. God
bless Steven Hill who was a
wonderful character actor in this role.
Adam
Schiff: Well,
you got the snail off. Until the next trial.
Jack
McCoy: I
heard it was eleven to one. Eleven people could clearly see that a small snail
couldn’t have possibly stabbed a homeless man 37 times. Snails can’t hold a
knife. They’ve got no arms!
Adam
Schiff: One
holdout, eh? Must have been a gardener.
So, this is what happens when you watch too much crime
drama from the 1990’s.
You get crack-ass dreams.
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