I am not a Shoe Whore

I am not crazy about shopping. I am not mad for handbags. I wouldn’t recognise a pair of Jimmy Choos  if you took one off your dainty foot and clubbed me over the head with its spiky heel. I do not own enough pairs of shoes that I need a separate closet for them all. I do not own shoes in coordinating colours to my outfits. My house does not in any way resemble a shoe shop.  I’m clearly not a real woman. I can’t be if you believe the stereotype of “All women care about is shopping and shoes.” Therefore, by that definition, I must be a bloke.

My mum hails from the Imelda Marcos school of footwear. I take after my father. I own one pair of shoes for each season. I own a pair of wellies for rainy days. I have some sandals for hottest summer. I have a pair of black CROCS that can be worn with or without tights depending on the weather in spring. I have a pair of knee high faux fleece lined boots for coldest winter. And now I own a pair of ankle boots for autumn. It has been a bit cold and damp and my CROCS have not been warm enough, but it is too soon for the winter boots. So I reluctantly trudged over to our only shoe shop The Shoe Zone. Sure, clothing shops sell shoes, but they are more the fashionable but uncomfortable and not at all practical kind. So Shoe Zone it is.

There is also the issue with leather. I won’t wear it. I don’t want dead cow on my feet. The leather industry is a byproduct of the slaughterhouse industry and I don’t want to support them in any way. There are many vegan footwear shops online that sell non leather shoes, but they cost a packet. This is one thing that keeps the Amazing Spiderman from getting vegan shoes. It just hurts too much to by a pair of shoes for £75. But he does get vegan belts and wears them with a cool belt buckle shaped like a life size tarantula. Yes he does, but I digress. The Shoe Zone often has many “accidentally vegan” shoes for reasonable prices.

So I drag myself in and start to touch and smell the shoes. Not like sticking a shoe up my nose--I’m not a nutter--but as I lift it up to look for sizing I inhale slightly. Leather has that SMELL. It is a smell I used to find appealing, but now I do not. Then I find one that feels and smells right and I turn it over to read the sticker that shows the symbols and see if any bits are made from carcass. Sometimes they can trick you by hiding some leather trim on a wee bit of the shoe. Then comes the real trial. I have feet like an elf. I wear size 3  (size 5 in the US) but sometimes I can wear a 4. That’s when I feel like a giant. Most shoes seem to start in size 5. Once I actually find a pair in my elfin size then the last test begins--Is it comfortable? Will the shoe last? Is there a good sole? We are car free and I walk at least 2 miles every day--to work, to the shops and home again. Sometimes more. A shoe with a thin brittle sole will just crack or wear out and that means I’d have to go out and buy some more bloody shoes. 

Success! I find a pair of non leather ankle boots with a thick rubber sole in brown for £16.99. I would have preferred black, but hey ho. I got shoes. I like them so much after payday I will go buy a second pair to stash away for when these wear out in a couple of years. I’ve got an identical pair of winter boots lurking in my wardrobe for this exact purpose. This way I may not have to shop for shoes again for another 3 years or so. God, I really am a bloke.