Hello and welcome to Fairy Tale Friday. Are you sitting comfortably? Good. Then I’ll begin.
Last week we looked at a serious poetic version of our
classic tale, but this week we look at a more humorous one. This comes from the
book Revolting Rhymes in 1982 by beloved children’s author Roald Dahl.
Dahl is responsible for many modern classics such as Charlie and the
Chocolate Factory, Matilda. James and the Giant Peach—just to name a few. He is
also responsible for some of the best dark short stories with a twist for
adults like Lamb to the Slaughter.
This is more like a fractured fairy tale in that we do
have some elements you would expect—evil stepmother with a magic mirror who is
jealous of Snow White, a Huntsman sent to kill her and bring back her heart, consuming
the heart etc. (I only hope she cooked it well.Boiled heart can be as tough
as hell)
In other stories it is always her beauty that makes
people feel sorry for her—the Huntsman won’t kill her because she is too
beautiful, the dwarfs vow to care for her because she is pretty, the prince
wants to marry her despite being dead—because she is good looking. This story
plays upon that idea. She knows full well that she is pretty and uses her looks
to hitchhike into the city where she takes up with seven jockeys with a
gambling problem. They are forever skint after blowing their cash at the racetrack.
In this one she steals the magic mirror which gives them the winner of each
race and they all get rich. No one dies. No one tries to get revenge. No prince
comes along and tries to commit necrophilia. Just one crafty lady who uses her looks and
gets rich by cheating for her height challenged friends. The moral of the tale?
Gambling’s not a sin. Provided that you always win.
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| source |
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs source
When little Snow-White’s mother died
The King, her father, up and cried
“Oh, what a nuisance! What a life!
Now I must find another wife.”
(It’s never easy for a King
To find himself that sort of thing.)
He wrote to every magazine
And said, “I’m looking for a Queen.”
At least ten thousand girls replied
And begged to be the royal bride
The king said with a shifty smile
“I’d like to give each one a trial.”
However, in the end he chose
A lady called Miss Maclahose
Who brought along a curious toy
That seemed to give her endless joy.
This was a mirror framed in brass-
A MAGIC TALKING LOOKING GLASS.
Ask it something day or night
It always got the answer right.
For instance, if you were to say
“Oh Mirror, what’s for lunch today?”
The thing would answer in a trice
“Today it’s scrambled eggs and rice.”
Now every day, week in week out
The spoiled and stupid Queen would shout
“Oh Mirror Mirror on the wall
Who is the fairest of them all?”
The Mirror answered every time
“Oh Madam, you’re the Queen sublime
You are the only one to charm us
Queen, you are the cat’s pyjamas.”
For ten whole years the silly Queen
Repeated this absurd routine
Then suddenly, one awful day
She heard the Magic Mirror say
“From now on Queen, you’re number two
Snow-White is prettier than you.”
The Queen went absolutely wild
She yelled, “I’m going to scrag that
child.”
“I’ll cook her flaming goose, I’ll skin
her
I’ll have her rotten guts for dinner.”
She called the Huntsman to her study
She shouted at him, “Listen, buddy,
You drag that filthy girl outside
And see you take her for a ride
Thereafter slit her ribs apart
And bring me back her bleeding heart.”
The Huntsman dragged the lovely child
Deep deep into the forest wild.
Fearing the worst, poor Snow-White spake
She cried, “Oh please give me a break.”
The knife was poised, the arm was strong
She cried again, “I’ve done no wrong.”
The Huntsman’s heart began to flutter
It melted like a pound of butter.
He murmured, “Okay, beat it, kid.”
And you can bet your life she did.
Later, the Huntsman made a stop
Within the local butcher’s shop
And there he bought, for safety’s sake
A bullocks heart and one nice steak.
“Oh Majesty! Oh Queen,” he cried
“That rotten little girl has died.
And just to prove I didn’t cheat
I’ve brought along these bits of meat.”
The Queen cried out, “Bravissimo
I trust you killed her nice and slow.”
Then (this is the disgusting part)
The Queen sat down and ate the heart.
(I only hope she cooked it well
Boiled heart can be as tough as hell)
While all this was going on
Oh where, oh where had Snow-White gone?
She’d found it easy, being pretty
To hitch a ride into the city
And there she’d got a job, unpaid
As general cook and parlour-maid
With seven funny little men-
Each one not more than three foot ten.
Ex horse-race jockeys, all of them.
These seven dwarfs, though awfully nice
Were guilty of one shocking vice.
They squandered all of their resources
At the race-track backing horses.
(When they hadn’t backed a winner
None of them got any dinner)
One evening, Snow-White said, “Look here,
I think I’ve got a great idea
Just leave it all to me, okay,
And no more gambling till I say.”
That very night, at eventide
Young Snow-White hitched another ride
And then, when it was very late
She slipped in through the Palace gate
The King was in his counting house
Counting out his money.
The Queen was in the parlour
Eating bread and honey.
The footmen and the servants slept
So no one saw her as she crept
On tip-toe through the mighty hall
And grabbed THE MIRROR off the wall.
As soon as she had got it home
She told the Senior Dwarf (or Gnome)
To ask it what he wished to know
“Go on,” she shouted, “Have a go.”
He said, “Oh Mirror, please don’t joke
Each of us is stony broke
Which horse will win tomorrow’s race,
The Ascot Gold Cup Steeple-chase?”
The Mirror whispered sweet and low
“The horse’s name is Mistletoe.”
The Dwarfs went absolutely daft.
They kissed young Snow-White fore and aft
Then rushed away to raise some dough
With which to back old Mistletoe.
They pawned their watches, sold the car
They borrowed money near and far.
(For much of it they had to thank
The Manager of Barclays Bank)
They went to Ascot and of course
For once they backed the winning horse
Thereafter, every single day
The Mirror made the bookies pay
Each Dwarf and Snow-White got a share
And each was soon a millionaire
Which shows that gambling’s not a sin
Provided that you always win.
As an added bonus, you can listen to this story dramatised by Timothy West and Prunella Scales (Mrs Fawlty from Fawlty Towers)
That’s all for this week. Stay tuned next week as we
begin to look at Snow White on film.
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